Not a real Seashell
Bronze Member
Hi everyone,
It’s been a long time since I posted on a message board. It’s taking a lot of courage for me to do this, years ago I was a regular on a depression message board, posted for years before I found out my husband and son read everything I had ever written. On that message board, anywhere online, anything I wrote down physically. My husband was very verbally abusive and controlling.i plan to write more about my history and then figure out where to put it.
I am an older woman with a very long history of depression and hospitalizations. For many, many years I thought it was just me, that I was flawed, a terrible person. It wasn’t. I was being abused. Well actually, my therapist doesn’t call it abuse, she calls it torture. I finally got out of my marriage a few years ago. My anxiety has been horrid for many years. I’d been in treatment til I left but then there was such peace and relief when I moved I put further treatment on the back burner, until I moved again and the anxiety got so extreme I had to address it. I’ve been back in treatment for a year now and it’s been so different. I’m no longer afraid to tell my therapist what really went on (mostly anyway). I went in knowing the only way out of this was through it and I have such desire to just get past all the trauma. My therapist has been such a huge help, I don’t officially know my diagnosis but I’m sure it’s anxiety and c-ptsd. I’ve been working with her, reading books she recommends, but still find myself stuck and afraid to tell my story. I feel like I have the tools I need, now I just have to find the courage to use them.
I’ve learned that if I don’t talk about my past I will never be free. If I don’t let my guard down and learn that allowing myself to be vulnerable is the key to growth I will never be free. I am all but a hermit, it’s so hard to reach out. What I’ve been through taught me that being vulnerable only brought pain. It’s hard to undo that after sooo many years.
So.... so what if people I don’t want knowing my thoughts find this. They aren’t in the position to hurt me anymore.
The latest book I’ve been reading is Brene Brown’s Daring Greatly. Almost finished with it but so far one of my favorite quotes from the book is her talking about courage.
“Sometimes the bravest and most important thing you can do is just show up.”
It resonates and I feel it is what I need to be doing. So this is me, just showing up.
It’s been a long time since I posted on a message board. It’s taking a lot of courage for me to do this, years ago I was a regular on a depression message board, posted for years before I found out my husband and son read everything I had ever written. On that message board, anywhere online, anything I wrote down physically. My husband was very verbally abusive and controlling.i plan to write more about my history and then figure out where to put it.
I am an older woman with a very long history of depression and hospitalizations. For many, many years I thought it was just me, that I was flawed, a terrible person. It wasn’t. I was being abused. Well actually, my therapist doesn’t call it abuse, she calls it torture. I finally got out of my marriage a few years ago. My anxiety has been horrid for many years. I’d been in treatment til I left but then there was such peace and relief when I moved I put further treatment on the back burner, until I moved again and the anxiety got so extreme I had to address it. I’ve been back in treatment for a year now and it’s been so different. I’m no longer afraid to tell my therapist what really went on (mostly anyway). I went in knowing the only way out of this was through it and I have such desire to just get past all the trauma. My therapist has been such a huge help, I don’t officially know my diagnosis but I’m sure it’s anxiety and c-ptsd. I’ve been working with her, reading books she recommends, but still find myself stuck and afraid to tell my story. I feel like I have the tools I need, now I just have to find the courage to use them.
I’ve learned that if I don’t talk about my past I will never be free. If I don’t let my guard down and learn that allowing myself to be vulnerable is the key to growth I will never be free. I am all but a hermit, it’s so hard to reach out. What I’ve been through taught me that being vulnerable only brought pain. It’s hard to undo that after sooo many years.
So.... so what if people I don’t want knowing my thoughts find this. They aren’t in the position to hurt me anymore.
The latest book I’ve been reading is Brene Brown’s Daring Greatly. Almost finished with it but so far one of my favorite quotes from the book is her talking about courage.
“Sometimes the bravest and most important thing you can do is just show up.”
It resonates and I feel it is what I need to be doing. So this is me, just showing up.
