Relationship Just A Vent On My Sufferer's History

[Hojay]

I just came here to vent and I know I will get a lot of criticism from both supporters and sufferers. I do have a lot of compassion for my sufferer boyfriend. He was sexually abused.

But sometimes, you know, just sometimes, I want to tell my sufferer to just stand up for himself when that little boy couldn't. Stand up straight, look that mofo in the eye, and say "no more." Sometimes I feel like he's just letting it happen to that little kid over and over again, and I can just watch.

I am so powerless as a supporter. It is destroying him, it's destroying us, and I am losing hope he will ever get better. Do people get better? I don't know anymore.

I'm sure this is triggering to some. I understand this is an illness and that about the worst thing to say to a sufferer is to "snap out of it." I would never tell him that. I also understand the intricacies of shame and guilt that go along with such type of abuse. But I sometimes I just want to shake him and make it all stop.

 

[EveHarrington]

Why would anyone criticize your vent? You're quite entitled to vent about your situation.

I agree with you-----!

There was a major shift in my healing when I was able to stand up for the little girl I was who was abused. It was a mental shift, a feeling of protection for her, and incredibly empowering.

 

[EveHarrington]

But yes, people do get better. I will have stress symptoms for life most likely, but I am getting back to having a more normal like life.

 

[Hojay]

Phew, thank you, I'm relieved to see I'm not totally out of bounds with my vent. I guess I'm just worried to come across as very ignorant and not understanding enough.

It gives me a lot of hope to hear that you've come out of it stronger and wiser. I'm sure it took a lot of work to get there, and it's payed off.

I too have had to start protecting the little girl in me (albeit not from abuse as terrible as we're talking here,) and I understand the near physical effort it takes to get to that place. It's the best thing I've ever done for myself and I hope my partner gets there too.

 

[Gs172003]

Phew, thank you, I'm relieved to see I'm not totally out of bounds with my vent. I guess I'm just worried...

To me you sound caring. Like you love the man and the little boy in him. That you just want him to know he's big now and that man can't hurt him any more.

 

[Hojay]

Exactly, @Zoogal that's all I want. It breaks my heart in a million little pieces. I wish I could make him see that but I know he can only get there himself. It helps to know I'm not totally off track feeling this way, thank you. :sorry:

 

[Gs172003]

Exactly, @Zoogal that's all I want. It breaks my heart in a million little pieces. I w...

You're welcome.

 

[questionsaboutrel]

I just came here to vent and I know I will get a lot of criticism from both supporters and sufferers. I d...

Wow, I can definitely relate to this post. A lot of times when my boyfriend chooses to isolate, he can take it out on me, even "breaking up" or disappearing. I know now to understand how the behavior works, but it doesn't mean that I don't feel anger about how it affects me. I'm sure you're coping the best you can, but it's overall a frustrating situation. Even if you love this person deeply and are as understanding as you possibly can be, it's upsetting how PTSD seeps into your world.

 

[Hojay]

Wow, I can definitely relate to this post. A lot of times when my boyfriend chooses to isolat...

Yes that sounds very familiar. I can get so angry when my boyfriend goes off the deep end and it's so hard not to lash out at him in anger. It feels fundamentally unfair sometimes - he gets to let himself go in all his history and pain, and I'm expected to have endless supplies of compassion and patience.

How do you deal with the anger? How do you channel it? I always get to a point where I calm down and see it for what it is, but it always returns and it's taking a toll. I'm inclined to believe I need to change my attitude, but changing my attitude also somehow feels like condoning. I hope that makes sense...

 

[questionsaboutrel]

Yes that sounds very familiar. I can get so angry when my boyfriend goes off the deep end and it's so har...

You know, I don't know since I am definitely suffering from this now - today I was told I was "blocked" permanently, which is exactly what he told me a week ago (he never actually blocked me last time). What I feel like helps with the anger is being firm about what you need and not rolling over as an enabler. I feel like when I am compassionate but honest, it's the most helpful for both me and him. For example, today when he told me he was angry with me (for a flimsy reason), I honestly told him I think he just says nasty things to me when he wants to push me away/reject me. I told him that he could just tell me to stay away for awhile without saying those things. In this, I was trying to stay true to how I felt/not condone bad behavior while also trying to be supportive.

However, I am certainly struggling with my own anger and needs that are unmet. I think just talking to others about it may be helpful, since with PTSD partners I feel like you have to have an intimate support system outside the relationship.

 

[dulcia]

For example, today when he told me he was angry with me (for a flimsy reason), I honestly told him I think he just says nasty things to me when he wants to push me away/reject me. I told him that he could just tell me to stay away for awhile without saying those things. In this, I was trying to stay true to how I felt/not condone bad behavior while also trying to be supportive.

How does he respond when you answer like that?

I am certainly struggling with my own anger and needs that are unmet

Any coping mechanisms for this? I feel guilty when I can't completely keep my anger or sadness in check when he's in an "episode".

 

[dulcia]

I'm inclined to believe I need to change my attitude, but changing my attitude also somehow feels like condoning.

Do you think feeling inclined to change your attitude is a way of excusing his behavior? Not saying that PTSD and trauma are being faked or exaggerated, but I know I have personally struggled with drawing a strong line between an episode and verbal/emotional abuse.