Relationship Just An Introduction

[tally-ho]

Hello everyone.

I'm new to the forum; been lurking and reading a lot lately. I decided perhaps it was time to introduce myself.

My situation is a little bit different...probably unusual, even. I began talking to a guy several months ago (we met online) and we really hit it off right away. He travels internationally a lot for his job, so there would be days where he was away, but I would hear from him when he returned. Then, out of nowhere, he started seeming really distant...he would disappear for a week or two at a time. He told me at one point that his mother was really sick and not doing well, and she ended up passing away, at which point it felt like he became totally unavailable...we didn't talk for almost a month. At this point, some of my friends were convinced he must have a girlfriend or wife or something else was fishy...but none of that felt right to me. When he finally came back and spoke to me again was when he explained that he has PTSD and that with the extra stress he's been dealing with lately, his symptoms were becoming worse and that he was headed to counseling. This is when I started researching and I found this forum. It seems like a lot of his behavior is pretty common for someone with PTSD...so reading other people's experiences on here has definitely helped to calm my nerves a lot. However....

The issue I'm having is the fact that we have yet to meet face to face. We video chat, but no "date" or anything. I've really come to care about him, and he says he feels the same...I don't want to push him, I know he's working through some things, and with some of the things I've dealt with in my own life, I feel like I'm capable of being a supporter. But, obviously, until we've actually started seeing one another in person, it all seems like make believe. It's been difficult to determine if this is normal and if I should continue to wait (which I'm willing to do), or if this is abnormal even for someone with PTSD and maybe I should re-evaluate?

I'm not exactly sure what I'm even posting for...just want to talk, I guess, and amongst people who have some level of understanding. I haven't felt comfortable talking about it with many of my own friends or family due to the fact that they don't seem very understanding or sympathetic of his situation. But, maybe you guys will agree with them and think I'm being crazy and should move on too :P We'll see.

Regardless, hi! Thanks to everyone who contributes on this forum. It's been a great wealth of information and encouragement.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

@tally-ho welcome to the forum, :hug:s if you accept them.

Laurie

 

[scout86]

So, have the two of you talked about meeting in person? How does he react to that? I would think that, even if he has PTSD, if he's serious about a real relationship, he's want to meet you in person. It might be stressful, but that kind of thing is stressful for anyone, isn't it? If he doesn't want to meet, if he seems to be making excuses not to meet, I'd be suspicious. For all you know, nothing he's told you is true. Unless you have some way to independently confirm that it's true. (Do you?)

 

[tally-ho]

@scout86 We've talked about meeting...we've had plans on the books a couple of times and each time ended up cancelling (twice he cancelled, once I did). When we talk about it, he seems to simply repeat that he really wants to, and that we will soon, once he's feeling more stable. I had the same thought and did a little looking previously and was able to confirm what he told me about his mom passing. Other than that, I don't really have a way to verify most of what he's told me. It's entirely possible he's not been truthful...I've certainly gone back and forth with being suspicious...it's hard not to. I just, for better or for worse, tend to be an eternal optimist who gives people the benefit of the doubt until they've definitively proven themselves untrustworthy. Perhaps that's foolish, but there have been times in the past it worked out for me. I did tell him recently that I can't wait forever and if we haven't met by my birthday (next month), that I would need to reevaluate. He promised we would....we'll see what happens.

@Santa_Laurie Thank you :)

 

[Ronin]

Hey, welcome aboard.

I've met someone dear online like it, works 'real life', has worked for years, so I tend to believe it works. Long distance, net beginnings, all those things. Just because it's not 'old fashioned' doesn't mean much. Times change.

 

[BlueOrange]

If the thing you want is a face to face relationship and you're not getting it, well, that's for you to decide.

If the thing you want is someone to talk to, you've got that right now.

If your friends are full of well-meaning advice that you don't want to follow, you don't have to follow their advice.

It all seems perfectly credible to me. That doesn't make it true, of course.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I don't think your situation is unusual, not in the least, given that so many people meet online these days. I don't say that to imply that you shouldn't have issues with what is happening, rather I don't want you to feel like you're alone in all of this.

One part of me says "give him a chance!" I am in many ways in the opposite situation as you. I met someone online about a month ago and we haven't met yet. The difference is that I am the one with PTSD. We aren't that close, so meeting would require a plane trip. However, if he lived closer, I know that I would likely have chickened out on meeting him a few times already.

I don't think you should really be listening to your friends when it comes to PTSD matters. (I'm not saying that everything with your guy is a PTSD matter, rather they don't understand the unique challenges that come with a PTSD relationship.) Things that apply in a non-PTSD relationship don't necessarily apply to a PTSD relationship, and vice versa.

Its very possible that he isn't ready for a relationship at this point, especially if he is on a downturn and starting therapy. This is a very stressful time for him, and relationships (no matter how fantastic) add stress to our lives. Have you read the PTSD cup explanation here on the site? I think it would tell you a lot.

I'm not saying that you should wait for him forever. Even if it is his PTSD that is keeping him away right now, that doesn't mean you need to accept that. Only you know how long you are willing to wait for him.

Oh, and one more thing. If you continue with him in any way, I suggest having a conversation about communication. I think this is one major way that PTSD relationships fail (after reading a ton of supporter threads). Set reasonable expectations for communication. If he needs space, then he needs to tell you that he needs space. A simple "I need space" text may suffice. Then I would set up guidelines for checking in. That is, perhaps after 3 days you can send a text message to him just to see if he is ok and needs anything, and at that point he would still need to respond in a reasonable amount of time, ie one day. These are just examples, but I think you understand what I am saying. Communication is part of the foundation of a relationship, and if a sufferer cannot adhere to requests for basic communication minimums, then I do not believe that sufferer is ready for a relationship. Both the current guy I'm talking to and my ex requested that if I need space, that I let them know. I agreed as that is the very least I can do when I am in a bad place. Otherwise, they'd think that I was mad at them for something and just giving them the silent treatment.

 

[violetclouds]

I'm with BlueOrange - you have to decide for yourself what you want. While I also agree there can be danger in online relationships due to the anonymity of the internet, I also know something of having a positive outcome. I have been married for 3 1/2 years to a wonderful man who I met online. He is a treasure. Not all outcomes are this great, but don't discount the possibilities!

 

[tally-ho]

@Solara Thank you so much for your advice. It really helps to hear some thoughts from the other side of this.

I am definitely up for giving him a chance and willing to wait a while longer. Worst case scenario, I think I may just have to step back and try to just be a friend to him, as I know you're right and he may not be ready for a relationship right now. I will have to initiate that conversation about communication expectations, though...

And I haven't read the cups explanation...do you know where I could find it?

Thanks again for the insight and good luck to you and your new guy!

 

[tally-ho]

I wasn't sure if I should start a new thread or just post follow-up questions here...figured this was the safer route.

After I posted and got some input here, I talked to him very briefly that Friday. He didn't seem in the best of spirits, so I wasn't feeling like it was a good time to bring up the whole "boundaries" and expectations conversation...figured I would just do it another day. Well, I haven't heard from him since that Friday (a little over two weeks now)...I've gathered that this sort of thing is pretty common, but I have a couple more questions...

To Sufferers:
- What do you find to be the most hepful from your supporters in times when you're withdrawing or unable to communicate?
- While I've read a lot about this happening...is there a past post I could be directed to, or could someone maybe attempt to describe for me WHY it happens? I know that's a big question, but I'm really just looking for insight into the thought process and how he may be feeling about communicating. I know I can never fully understand that, but some details on the thoughts and feelings people go through when they're withdrawing or isolating and why they struggle to talk to those close to them in those times might be helpful. It can be hard not to take it personally at times, and I'm so entirely the opposite when it comes to stress in my life (meaning, it makes me want to communicate and be close to those I care about moreso than usual), that it's hard for me to wrap my head around.
(I don't know if this makes too much of a different, but his is Combat PTSD)

To Supporters:
- What do you do to really keep from worrying or driving yourself crazy when your Sufferer withdraws or isolates for longer periods of time? I have my own therapist (who I've been seeing for years/not in relation to any of this) and I've talked to her about it some, but I definitely struggle with worrying about him a lot (especially knowing that this is the first time he's really sought professional help for it and knowing that these things will often get worse before they get better).

 

[Sighs]

Sigh! Try to attain a state of zen calm. I keep chanting the serenity prayer over and over - "God give me the courage to change the things I can, the serenity to accept those I can't and the wisdom to know the difference." (And I'm not even religious.)

My point is that PTSD or not (and yes, personally I think combat PTSD tends to manifest somewhat differently to PTSD from other trauma, but I'm no expert) - if he is unable to be present in a relationship right now then you cannot change that. So, the only option for you is to get on with your own life and if/when he contacts you again then you can consider how you feel about him at that time.

Hugs if you accept them.

 

[scout86]

From the PTSD perspective. "You don't even want to KNOW what goes through my head." (Except that you said that you did.)

I've talked to a few combat vets who say that the stuff that happened THERE needs to stay THERE and none of their loved ones need to be exposed to it. You know, my PTSD comes from another source completely and I'd say the exact same thing about the trauma. Bad enough it's floating around in MY head, you don't need it in yours too.

But, there's more to it than that too. Everyone is different and somethings will apply and some things won't. Here's an example from a different situation. I'm sort of in the middle of a dust up with my T. He had something to say the other day and probably could have said it better. As it happened, it was the kind of thing sort of set me off. (Sounds like it would have set lots of people off, which was nice to hear and being able to hear it here is great.) So, I got wound up and assumed the worst possible outcomes, decided to confront him about it. Got one of his nice, reasonable responses where he kind of pointed out that I was over reacting without exactly saying that and said, "See you next week" after I had offered to quit coming in. Now I feel like a complete idiot and am dreading going in because "this is all my fault, I should have known better, he has every reason to hate me...... "Should I go on? Between us, I'm at a point right now where I get that a lot of that is over the top nuts. Knowing that is NOT going to make going to my next session any easier. It would be MUCH easier to just not go. And this is NOT a person I love and am in the kind of significant relationship YOU'RE talking about with. I like him, but this is a much less important relationship, in a lot of ways.

There are a ton of things you can think. I had a friend who shot himself, at least in part because he really believed that everyone would be better off without him. I've been tempted to end relationships for the other party's own good because "I'm a jinx and bad things happen to anyone who's foolish enough to be involved with me". I'm sure others have other ideas to offer and I probably have a few more floating around too, if I do a bit more digging around. But, do you see the pattern? Something trips that "Danger!" switch and a lot of extreme thoughts can follow. For me, it often boils down to "I'm bad. There are people who seem to care about me for some incomprehensible reason, but the are good. I need to protect them from me, and all this 'stuff' even if/especially because they can't see the danger and that they need protecting." Like I said, I'm sure you'll get different things from different people.

What helps? This has happened so seldom that I don't have much to offer. What I've found helpful is something along the lines of, "What ever you're thinking, I'm quite capable of taking care of myself and making my own choices. And, BTW, I like you anyway." There are a couple of people, who I know well, who can get by with "Your doing it again, maybe you should quit." or "The best thing to do, when you notice you're digging yourself into a hole is to put down the shovel and quit digging. BTW, you're digging yourself into a hole."