Sufferer Just Another Crazy Vet

[Deadman]

Hello all. I'm glad I found you. Its good to be able to talk to others who understand through experience.

So here goes the intro: I'm a retired soldier and former humanitarian aid worker. I was formally diagnosed with PTSD a few years ago but I don't really know when I first started to show the signs and symptoms. My ex always claimed it was when I returned from post-genocide Rwanda.

By the time I finished my second tour in Afghanistan I knew something was wrong but I didn't know what. I just knew I was angry all the time, I couldn't relax, and that I had no sense of purpose any more. Being at home was harder than being in a war zone.

So I did the only logical thing. I quit the military and went back to Afghanistan to work with a humanitarian de-mining team. ;)

After that contract finished I knew something was wrong with me but I was too afraid to face it. I ran from one war zone or humanitarian disaster to the next. I kept hoping that the job would help wash away the guilt and shame I felt. It never did.

Eventually it all caught up with me. My marriage dissolved. I couldn't work. I sank in to a deep black hole. I've only recently started to climb back out.

 

[Ronin]

Hola brother.

We need more crazy vets. :) Welcome.

& No wonder you couldn't climb back to life. Rwanda's still lingering silence in my heart. That you (mentally) returned at all, is a miracle.

 

[ladee]

Welcome! Glad you found us. There are folks here who understand.
Good to hear you are climbing out and reaching out.
A very supportive and healing community to let you know you are not alone.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

You've found a lovely and serene place to escape your ghosts. I hope they don't find you. (((Deadman)))

 

[Deleted member 41765]

I'm new here as well and I will hold your story throughout the day. I agree with the above comment, I'm glad you made it back (mentally). Extending a cyber hand...

 

[Susan Sleepless]

Ahhh, the black hole, sometimes I just want to stay there as its comfortable, safe, but I know I can't. The climb is tough but I want to lead a good life.

 

[Deadman]

Yup. I'm not out yet but I think I can see the edge. I hope thats what it is anyway :)

 

[Susan Sleepless]

I was originally misdiagnosed with Depression, I thought I didn't want to get out of bed nuts be because I am depressed, but did not sit right with me. Now I know it's because the black hole was safe, no having to interact with people. But that's not the life I want.

 

[Hardtke]

The one thing I have discovered, the faces, the gosts in the darkness from my past, they don't go away.. see them in my sleep, people passing on the street, or even when no one is there at all, I try and welcome them.. make them my friends... the episodes pass quicker thay way for me and i pay less attention.. i knkw there there yet 'attempt' to focus on what im doing.Battle buddies are not so easily dismissed.

 

[Deadman]

I was initially diagnosed with depression as well. That seems to be the fallback position whenever they aren't really sure.

 

[Deadman]

the faces, the ghosts in the darkness from my past, they don't go away

I haven't found a way to make them go away but these days they haunt me less often.

 

[Hardtke]

I know what you mean... They hit me with several meds just to say they have me something before they actually knew what was going on. Took some time for me say 'what a minute...'