@blue_eyes18 , you have some wonderful responses here & I sort of am wary to add anything, each person/ relationship is different & this is just me. I think too we all have different beliefs, thoughts & experiences. For example, I relate to what
@Caterpillar said, for myself but only in a 'new' relationship.
@Springer80 has wonderful insights, for myself though I don't know how much was related to dissociation. But what stood out to me was you mentioning it has occurred before & yet you have no real problems between you. So I guess here goes.
I think the repeated breaks come from thoughts that resurface, or feelings too such as shame, & feeling like someone deserves better. It's knowing the 'ins-and-outs' & extent of the difficulties the person with ptsd lives/ (relives). For example, it's fear, depression, panic, suicidal despair, exhaustion, etc. Leaving is not intended to hurt but help. Yes it reduced stress to leave, mostly because I no longer had to wrestle with confirming/ denying my own toxicity, or the fear of being loved. As Springer said neither the other person nor myself really existed at that point.
After many years I think now it was a not-really-conscious way for me to back out from being loved. Not as a child-thought, as the adult & how I am.
Everyone I left they was either angry or I felt didn't care that much. Two told me I was the reason for what they did, most said "now what?", as regards themselves only. They could not see it was hard for me. Heard on the grape-vine one still asks about me, one got hired where I worked (not their desired field), but I left.
Ultimately, one or 2 didn't know me (I felt they had no idea of what they would be stuck with). The nasty one in particular I don't think cared (therefore it was easy for me to stay). Ones who said they cared, Idk. Words, not actions.
Looking back perhaps, perhaps if they had responded openly, & not over-reacted, but had persisted & been more direct, it would have made me pause. If they understood better what couldn't be said & been direct about it. To say, 'it will be ok, this is extreme talk, can I do anything, what is going on?, I can see you feel terrible'. And more of, 'it will be ok', And, only if they meant it, 'I love you as you are & still want only to be with you'. Because you see, to not understand or have any knowledge & say you want to be there is uniformed. Similarly, some people actually don't want you there without being someone else- different- being 'better', etc. Also I needed clear communication. If I didn't hear words, I didn't assume it. Plus all the pressure of the 'future'.
My mom once said something sweet- I don't know if we were talking about depression/ suicide or what, I know I said something about 'well I'd never get to Heaven (one day) anyway", & she said "If heaven didn't have people like you in it I wouldn't want to be there!" . It meant a lot, because I knew she meant it, it validated I had some worth, & yet it was with knowledge of so much of the ('negative') me.
And they all (except one) said 'what about me?' .The only one who didn't just held me & cried & gave me a present when we said goodbye & said 'I wish you wouldn't'. He is the only one I think did care. Which also reminds me of something else, he was vulnerable but the others expected me to be (or I felt I was) & it felt terribly unequal/ frightening because they weren't.
I do think, once the decision is made, if there's no contrary opinion or effort or even statement of 'tell me why?' the person will leave for good. That's the easier part.
No, good relationships don't preclude healing, but healing is very painful too. No I don't believe she is trying to hurt you. And on top of everything there are the cultural & family challenges too.
I don't know if this will help at all, but I truly wish you the best. There's some saying that 'the path of true love never runs smooth'. If you two can overcome it, you will likely have a better relationship for it. But for now, ptsd has no cure, it will never be ever 'gone for good' either.
Hugs to you.
