Relationship Just Broken Up With

[blue_eyes18]

Hey all. I had received some great advice from a thread I had created about two weeks ago. It was about how to handle my anxiety from being a supporter. However, it turned out that she broke up with me shortly thereafter. I got some great support, but I really need some more right about now.

A little background. We had been together for a year and a half. She is a survivor of childhood sexual assault. We have definitely had our ups and downs. At first, she didn't tell me about any of her depression and ptsd. She tried to hide it. But I could definitely tell something was up. She was unstable in many ways. She finally confided in me that she had been diagnosed with ptsd a few months prior to when we met. This was something new to me. I didn't know anything about it and neither did she, really. This almost gave me some sort of piece of mind, though, because it gave me some sort of understanding about her behavior.

Moving along, we adapted to each other. She was learning about her symptoms and triggers and I was learning them, too. And I was learning how to best support her and be there for her. I learned when to back off and give her space, and when to be there and hug her.

Our time together always felt like a fantasy. When we were together, the world just went away. We were so happy in each others presence. We just complimented each other in that way. But it was always short lived because when I would take her home, it was back to reality. I'd drop her off, and then back to depression and moodiness and sadness all the time. And I would cling on, longing for that next time we could have our fantasy time together again. That seems to be what I held on for. I kept hoping that if I stood by her side and held on long enough, that I could have her all to myself one day. That our fantasy would become a reality all the time.

A couple of weeks ago, she had made a comment about needing to figure out how to balance a relationship with me and working on herself. That she wasn't balancing it effectively. That was confusing to me because I only saw her maybe once - twice tops - a week. So she had the other five days to herself completely. I always backed off and gave her her space. Far from monopolizing her time. Anyway, she didn't say anything further about that until this past Sunday night. I called her after work and we got to talking. She told me she felt as though she just can't work on herself while being with me. That no matter how hard she tries, she just winds up not being able to. She said that she needs to be alone completely so that she can work on herself and really learn to be whole again. She said she tried really hard to find a balance so we could be together, but that it was just taking a toll on her emotionally, as she was neglecting herself in the process. She said she needed to break up and find herself again. That she had lost all her sense of purpose and joy in the world. She said she had no idea who she was and what made her happy anymore. And that as long as she was with me, she would never be on her own to discover it.

I told her I didn't fully understand, as I'd always tried to back off and give her her time. And how anything that made her happy, I supported. And I told her I didn't see this coming. She said she didn't either. That she hasn't planned on it, but it just kinda happened over the course of the conversation we were having.

We got off the phone and I felt like someone had clobbered me over the head with a baseball bat. Just completely blind sided. Everything I thought we had been working towards, and everything I thought we would become had just been ripped away before my very eyes. In went to sleep that night and woke up with a panic the next day. I gave myself the day to think and realized that if this is truly what she needs, then I understood. Unwanted to call her and at least have this chance to talk to her and get thoughts out this one last time. I called and she didn't answer. I texted her and asked her to please contact me. She still didn't respond. Nothing for the next two days. So I wrote her an email telling her all my thoughts and wishing her well. She still didn't respond or at least let me know she had received it. Its like I literally don't exist :/

I'm having a hard time with this whole thing. Don't exactly know where to go from here. I'm so lost. Any support is welcome. I feel like I'm breaking down :( thanks to anyone who read this.

 

[Springer80]

Hi, you've sort of written the reasons yourself. You said when your together it's like fantasy and when you drop her back home it's depression and anxiety for her again. Well, if she only feels normal when she has a relationship to be a Band-Aid then she is completely dependent on that relationship being happy and stable and nourishing ALL THE TIME. Every time it isn't she will spiral backwards into the trauma of being an abused child. It leaves her in a very precarious position and she knows it.

If she has cut you out it is because all her energy is taken by trying to stay with that abused child. She may be dissociating, sleeping off exhaustion and triggers, flashbacks. PTSD as I'm sure you have had some insight into is very physically demanding and mentally distressing.

Trust me because I have been there and am still working through this myself and it was 1999 that I first started my therapeutic journey; It is absolutely horrible and heart breaking having to give up people you love, especially when the root cause of that was having love and trust horrifyingly betrayed at a very vulnerable age.

You need to take care of yourself and try to understand that if she can't physically support herself in a relationship then no matter what you do, it won't make a difference because it's just too traumatising for her and her body and brain will go into survival mode and she won't have any choice but to follow.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm sorry @blue_eyes18 . :(

This is both hard to say to you & hard for me to say. I can relate to that. I'm ashamed for the times I left without explanation. I don't think her leaving is because of you, for myself I wouldn't even say failure in the relationship is the cause necessarily. If anything, it's easier to stay when someone isn't very caring, or is the opposite. I would take her words for it, it's all too much. Too much fear.

For what it is worth though, I think you did everything right. That's all you can do. It must be baffling to be left without much warning, it's so strange though it doesn't seem baffling to the person if ptsd motivates it. It seems the best thing to do. It took me many many years to think of it it any other light whatsoever, I just felt it was right.

I am so sorry. Hugs if that's ok.

 

[blue_eyes18]

Thanks to the both of you very much. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond.

Springer80, I do appreciate your words of wisdom. I don't think she realizes that the only time she remotely seems happy is when we are together. She doesn't seem to see that. But it seems crystal clear to me. When we are apart, she sounds so down all the time. When we are together, she's all smiles and laughing and having a great time. It's very black and white. So I don't think she does it intentionally, as far as the relationship band-aid is concerned. But that does make sense about the stability thing and spiraling backwards.

Junebug, this isn't the first time she has broken up with me. It has happened a couple of other times before. And yes, it always seems so out of left field. Like I said, this time, it was immediately after an amazing weekend away together where we couldn't have had a more perfect time. Every time is like that. It's never after a really bad fight or any of the normal times you'd expect a break up to potentially come. Truth be told, we don't ever fight. Ever. We are very compatible. And every time we've gotten back together, I ask her why she did it and she just says it felt like what she needed to do. But that she loves me so much, and misses me so much after the split, that she feels it's all wrong afterwards. Then we get back together. So your statement rings true about just ending things without really explaining. I'm not always sure she even understands. As I said, her response when I asked where this came from was that she didn't know. That she didn't plan it. It just happened. To me, that's very difficult to grasp. How do you just accidentally, out of the blue, break up with someone you love without putting any thought into it?

Every time we break up, it seems to play out the same way in the end - she catches me completely off guard by breaking up with me out of the blue. She then ignores me for the next day or two when I try to get better closure and understanding. And when I say ignore, I mean completely. Not even a "I need time." Nothing. Just off the face of the earth, she seems to disappear. So then I just give up any form of attempt at contact and try to get my own closure. After about a week or two, one of us caves and contacts the other and we both end up crying and saying how badly we miss each other and get back together. I could always swear she hates me and doesn't ever even think of me during this time due to the cold way she sounds when she is breaking up with me, and then the blatant ignoring like I no longer exist. Makes me feel terrible and that I never mattered at all. But then, when we talk, she admits she was having a come apart while we were apart. That sometimes, she would drive by my work or apartment but be too scared to come in. Or that she would always wear the jewelry I bought her as a way to comfort herself whenever she was feeling down and anxious. It always baffles me - how she can seem to care so little on the outside but care so much behind closed doors.

Anyway, my real question after reading what you said, junebug, is do you think I really am/was preventing her from getting better? Or do you think she just had a moment? Have you ever second guessed your decisions? She always seems to. I guess I just don't get it. Do you think I really am inhibiting her from getting better or is she just speaking out of random emotions and thoughts?

 

[Tinyflame]

@blue_eyes I will come back but I have to find words. You see, it's so clear (or familiar to me) but so terribly hard to explain for me.

Just to say your answer to the first question I would say is no, though I would say her thoughts are anything but random.

Hugs.

 

[Caterpillar]

For me, being alone allows me to shut down my emotions more than I ever can in a relationship. In order to be in a relationship, I have to keep myself open enough to feel the goodness when we're together, as well as the let down when we're not together and the anxiety about keeping the relationship. Remove all this and I feel "better". The anxiety is lower and the depressed lows are a lot less extreme. I used to mistake this for improvement in my mental health, but now I realize it was just a form of avoidance. Removing the stress avoided the feelings instead of teaching me how to cope with them.

I doubt a healthy relationship is actually preventing your girlfriend from getting better, but she may be feeling like the extra stress is overwhelming her. I know that's why my ex (who had PTSD also) went through multiple cycles of breaking up and getting back together seemingly for little reason. Sooner or later we have to learn to cope with the extra stress of a relationship, but you can't force someone to make the choice to take the hard road and manage the feelings instead of avoiding them, unfortunately.

 

[Springer80]

is she just speaking out of random emotions and thoughts

No, they aren't random. They are connected to a part of her that is so traumatising for her she dissociates. Look up dissociation. It is not an intellectual process of the mind, it is a neurological survival process of the brain. Her brain is being flooded with natural opioids to literally numb her. In that state she is very vulnerable, especially to being re-traumatised, She maybe regressing to a childhood state and simply cannot trust anyone to be around her.

Have you ever second guessed your decisions? She always seems to

She second guesses her decisions because if she was abused for a long time and I suspect in a home environment or by a significant care giver, she had to rely on the very people who molested her. It is possible she is using the term molestation to minimise the impact of what actually happened.

It always baffles me - how she can seem to care so little on the outside but care so much behind closed doors.

It's never after a really bad fight or any of the normal times you'd expect a break up to potentially come.

It has happened a couple of other times before. And yes, it always seems so out of left field. Like I said, this time, it was immediately after an amazing weekend away together where we couldn't have had a more perfect time. Every time is like that.

See above. A child is naturally trusting and loving. A child wants to love and can't understand why they would be hurt by someone they love. So they try and figure out what it is THEY are doing wrong to be getting this treatment. In doing that she has had to learn that no matter how much she loves or needs love, she must very thoroughly hide any signs that she needs people or loves them because the more you show that the more they hurt you.

But then, when we talk, she admits she was having a come apart while we were apart. That sometimes, she would drive by my work or apartment but be too scared to come in

See above again. She wants love, she tries to approach it. She recieves it has a nice time and then she remembers what hapend the last time she trusted and allowed herself to feel love and the trauma rushes in and the ptsd takes over and she's in a ball on the floor again, feeling physically sick and neurologically overwhelmed.

I could always swear she hates me and doesn't ever even think of me during this time due to the cold way she sounds when she is breaking up with me, and then the blatant ignoring like I no longer exist.

You don't exist but neither does she. She's taken over my ptsd. It's so hard to cope with and survive through it's totally all consuming. If she's sounds cold, it's because emotionally she is somewhere else and your asking her not be.

She then ignores me for the next day or two when I try to get better closure and understanding. And when I say ignore, I mean completely. Not even a "I need time." Nothing. Just off the face of the earth, she seems to disappear

See dissociation.

when I asked where this came from was that she didn't know. That she didn't plan it. It just happened. To me, that's very difficult to grasp.

Your brain does a very clever trick when this happens to you at a young and developmentally important age. It effectively partitions that part of you off. There are medically described levels of this on the dissociative spectrum. I personally have secondary dissociation (see my artwork on the thread Meet the EP's). Tertiary is what used to be called multiple personality disorder. She may be able to feel what she's doing but not with conscious thought.

I ask her why she did it and she just says it felt like what she needed to do. But that she loves me so much, and misses me so much after the split, that she feels it's all wrong afterwards.

See above.

It's very black and white. So I don't think she does it intentionally, as far as the relationship band-aid is concerned

No it's not intentional, she's triggered.

I don't think she realizes that the only time she remotely seems happy is when we are together. She doesn't seem to see that.

Because in a way it's a trick. She knows her body will panic and get overwhelmed as soon as she starts to feel loved and safe again.

 

[blue_eyes18]

Caterpillar, that explained things in a way I don't think I could have ever understood otherwise. Thank you for that. That really helps a ton.

I think in many ways, you're exactly right about that. I think that's how she feels. Any stress in our relationship, and she feels she is better off without it. And that once I am removed, she does feel a sense of immediate relief. And mistakes that relief with the fact that I was bad for her. That was a problem for a long time. That any time we would even have just a small fight, she would decide she just needed to be single. Then when she was single, she would miss me.

We discussed this pattern and after we realized it, I tried to keep stress to a minimum. I went out of my way to keep our relationship stress down. So much that I don't believe we, ourselves, had any actual relationship stresses between us at all. Problem is, however, that there were other outside stresses somewhat linked to our relationship. Her mom never approved of me because I'm American and not Saudi. That caused her to feel torn. She didn't want to lose her mom and the rest of her Saudi family. But she also wanted to be with me. So that was a BIG stress for her. One she refused to really think about until I brought it up the other night. That's what actually created the break up talk - discussing her family and me. But it was kind of a necessary evil, since she had decided to go on a trip to Saudi for a month in a couple of weeks. Once that can of worms was opened, there seemed to be no shutting it.

She had said that her therapist had told her to allow herself thirty minutes a day to think about things that stress her and then to stop and do something for herself or focus on her happiness. So when I brought it up, I think it just kinda turned into a break up talk. I think the more she allowed herself to think about it and talk about it, the more stressed she got and ended it. Because at first, during the talk, she admitted she was NOT wanting to break up when I asked if this was what she was leaning towards. But then she slowly talked herself into it. Next thing I knew, she was saying yes, she needed to be single.

So your explanation makes so much sense to me. The thing that hurts really badly is that she doesn't seem to care at all at the moment. Which, if I speak honestly, is typically true of when we first split. I think she does feel a sense of immediate relief to have that stress removed. And i think she feels relief for a good handful of days. After about the week mark, she starts to recognize that maybe she made a rash decision and one that wasn't best for her. But did it because it just felt right at the time. Then she starts to hurt.

She really hurt me this time because after she broke up with me, I really needed her. I just needed to get some of my feelings out. And to better understand hers. But she ignored me when I needed her most. And finally, after giving up on talking to her for the last two nights, THEN she sends me a text message back. It didn't say anything other than the fact that she really just needed some time to heal. But clearly I had been giving her that for the last two or three nights. Why bother with the message at that point, when I was already giving her that, clearly?? But ignoring me like that really did some damage. It really hurt in a big way. All the times I was there unwaveringly for her, she couldn't at least answer my phone call and give me better closure?

I'm just exhausted. :( I just wanted a healthy relationship with someone who I thought was the love of my life. I hate how it always comes to this. I just wanted happiness and a life together. It hurts to watch that all go down the drain.

 

[blue_eyes18]

Wow, springer80 - that really was very insightful. I'm literally at a loss. Thank you for breaking it down for me like that. In a way, that was hard to read. Just hard to know she deals with all of that. :( that really hit home.

 

[Springer80]

It didn't say anything other than the fact that she really just needed some time to heal. But clearly I had been giving her that for the last two or three nights. Why bother with the message at that point, when I was already giving her that, clearly?? But ignoring me like that really did some damage. It really hurt in a big way. All the times I was there unwaveringly for her, she couldn't at least answer my phone call and give me better closure?

Time to heal....two or three nights?! :confused: I really don't mean to cause you any more grief but I first got help for my ptsd after 6 years of child abuse/rape/drugging etc in 1999. I am now fifteen years on and it is only in the last two that I have finally been able to connect with the part of me that needs love.

I doubt very much that she waited to message you in order to mess with your emotions.
As for answering your phone calls....I 'slept/dissociated/regressed through a house fire.If my neighbours and the fire service hadn't got me I would died from smoke inhalation.

I am sorry your hurting but this stuff takes decades of effort and even when you've cracked most of it, it fundamentally shapes you as a person.

 

[blue_eyes18]

Springer 80 I just keep reading and rereading your post. That really got in my head and really broke things down for me in a way I never would have ever understood. this is all so heartbreaking.

 

[blue_eyes18]

I didn't mean it as in I was only giving her two or three nights to heal. That came out different than I had intended. I meant that I had already gathered she needed time, as I had been giving it to her and was going to continue to give it to her. To restate she needed time at that point, when I was already giving it to her seemed redundant.