Relationship Just Broken Up With

[Tinyflame]

Oh no you are right that isn't a way to be treated @blue_eyes18 . I get pushing away, but that can be accomplished by leaving. Perhaps why I did. Or simply by cutting off contact, etc. I don't think it serves anyone to hurt someone else. When we do it seems realistic to genuinely apologize, hope it is accepted & try not to repeat it. I cannot blame ptsd if I say angry or hurtful words. The ptsd might cause the anxiety or fear or a miriad of things but it doesn't give me the excuse to hurt someone or say hurtful things. That is part of what I meant about maturity.

I hope you won't let it affect your self-worth or self-esteem. There is no way to counter something one can't change or a comparison you can't fight. Doesn't make it accurate though. The most hurtful things aren't necessarily true, they just cut deep or are already feared.

:hug:

 

[blue_eyes18]

Thank you for responding. That's what I'm starting to realize - that I've let her get away with so many things, all in the name of PTSD. I wanted to support her so badly, and be there through thick and thin, but I refuse to be treated poorly or hurt like that. And it doesn't make it okay because she's a sufferer. It stabbed me through the heart.

She said a lot of things this past time. But that, in particular, really did cut deepest. I've literally done everything I know how to do to love and support her and to be her biggest fan. I've always rooted her on and backed her up in ANYTHING she's decided she wants to do. I offered a listening ear if she wanted to talk. I took her out when she needed company, I brought her chocolate or flowers when she was sad, and I backed away when she needed space to herself.

I supported her decisions to take up different hobbies, like painting or hiking, and offered to do them with her when she desired company. When she told me about her passions, I encouraged them, even if it meant her leaving to another state or even country for a while. I supported her in literally everything that one can possibly support someone in. I knew she was trying to find herself and regain her sense of belonging in the world and relearn her passions. So I tried to back them all up and give her my fullest support. I always encouraged whatever made her happy. But in the end, she said I hindered her learning about herself. Somehow, me loving her inhibited her discovery of her sense of identity. She says I was rubbing off on her and it was impossible for her not to mold to me rather than who she truly is. My thoughts are wouldn't that be the case for anyone in her life at all? Any friends or family would influence her, as well. Having someone love you and support you shouldn't inhibit you from growing and learning who you are, should it? Shouldn't you be able to discover that on your own, regardless of someone else? It's impossible for me to understand how I prevented her growing when I promoted it so much and supported it.

Her mother and family spend so much time belittling her and telling her that she doesn't really have PTSD and she's fine. Or that she's making up the stories of the things that happened to her. While I literally went to therapy to better understand her condition, read books, internet sites, worked on workbooks to learn to be the best partner I could be, and worked every day on implementing those things. I was her best friend. I looked out for her. I treated her like a queen. Yet she dropped me with so little emotion in her voice like I literally didn't matter at all. And said these hurtful things. All right after an incredible time together.

Anyway, my point being just that I am really tired of the treatment. I know I gave her my all. And i got treated badly in return. It's really hard. And I'm just tired of it. :/

 

[blackswan]

:hug: and so progress the stages of grief.

I'm hearing a lot of pushing and pulling in her behaviour. Not a wonder you're feeling drained!

 

[blue_eyes18]

Can you explain the push/pull to me a bit? I understand it a bit but not fully.

 

[Tinyflame]

I've literally done everything I know how to do to love and support her and to be her biggest fan. I've always rooted her on and backed her up in ANYTHING she's decided she wants to do. I offered a listening ear if she wanted to talk. I took her out when she needed company, I brought her chocolate or flowers when she was sad, and I backed away when she needed space to herself.

I supported her decisions to take up different hobbies, like painting or hiking, and offered to do them with her when she desired company. When she told me about her passions, I encouraged them, even if it meant her leaving to another state or even country for a while. I supported her in literally everything that one can possibly support someone in. I knew she was trying to find herself and regain her sense of belonging in the world and relearn her passions.

This was partly what I meant by no regret. Though I was the one with ptsd, one relationship in particular I did this too. That is what I mean by I learned love is something else. Love is BOTH people doing that & wanting that for one another. I didn't really understand that could exist. In that, too, there is much more safety & trust. It doesn't diminish the person, their self-esteem. There has to be a meeting of hearts, I think. Relationships don't have to cause pain.

Push-&-pull, to me is fear. For me, I see myself sometimes in my rescue dog. Slow- slow-slow or she would have been too afraid.

I realize there can also be other things happening than ptsd. But I find for ptsd for me it's as simple as that.

But I still have to say, regardless of the motivations the resultant choices or behaviours of a sufferer are within the sufferer's choice & therefore control.

For example, say I 'bolt' out of a situation, I couldn't 'stop' myself. No matter how ashamed, if necessary I need to apologize & perhaps explain, in particular if it has effected my responsibilities, impacts on others, or may be construed as personal. If I can't do it in person, maybe I can write it. Etc. The next step is to try to understand why I did it, & how I can potentially predict & prevent or lessen it in the future.

Will I always (or even 'ever'?) get it 'right'- no, not necessarily. But it is 'my' problem. Now, add in actual 'support' or 'care' or 'forgiveness', I have even less stressors to excuse what I've done. Not easy, but a fact of a ptsd-life. JMHO of course.

 

[blue_eyes18]

Thank you junebug. See, that was the thing. I understood her needs and I tried so hard to support her. I was always understanding and forgiving. I learned through trial and error what she needed and how to respond to her emotions. And always implimented them. But yet she STILL left.

I read this article, and it sounds just like her it says:"That’s not to say that everything that goes on is purely in our own minds and created by our fears. Things are often brought about by how the other person treats us. I’ll do so much for people, pull people close, meet their needs and demands, and then eventually I’ll flip. I’ll be completely overwhelmed by what someone else wants. This often happens because I’ll take on so much responsibility for “our happiness” that I don’t express what I need in a constructive way. Instead, I’ll feel like I’m losing my sense of Self to their needs, not my own, that what I’ve just been doing is now too much, being taken advantage of, a demand instead of a desire, expected not appreciated and I’ll have to Push away to regain control of my own situation. It’s not quite the same as the traditional Push-Pull explanation, but the sentiments match up. It inspires feelings of resentment and resistance coupled with the borderline flipside desire to not be abandoned and needing approval. Can’t be too aggressive otherwise we’ll push people away irrevocably, can’t be too passive and just let things slide because then we’re just being taken advantage of and the resentment builds to explosion."

That's exactly how she has explained things. This feeling of losing herself. That she loses her sense of identity with me and apparently doesn't know who she is anymore, which never makes sense to me because we only see each other maybe once a week, twice tops. And I never push for for these very reasons. And then she goes into this whole frenzy of "figuring herself out." Which manifests itself in embracing her Saudi culture more, or however else she feels.

I guess we could never be how I envisioned. She won't stay with me :/ this will always happen.

 

[blue_eyes18]

I think I'm reaching the anger stage. I suppose that was what was meant by blackswan referencing the stages of grief. I know it's not her fault, but all of this has taken such a huge toll on me emotionally, that it really has finally made me angry. I've been so patient for so long. I've been so understanding of every breakup and so incredibly forgiving. When we would get back together in the past, I would just hug her and tell her I knew she was just struggling and I forgave her. But this time, it's shattered me. She's hurt me so badly this time, that I can't even look at her.

Sorry, I'm just ranting. Just getting it out.

 

[blackswan]

Yup, that's exactly what I was referring to. The push/pull was reference to her breaking up then making up.

Sounds like you're doing some serious perspective taking and processing! Hope things start to feel easier soon :)

 

[blue_eyes18]

I just wanted to update and see if anyone can help me at all. Or at least explain what the heck I apparently did wrong.

I called her for the first time in two weeks on thursday and she finally answered. We spoke for about fifteen minutes, catching up and just seeing how we each were doing. The conversation went well and overall was pleasant. We agreed we wanted to stay friends but that it was too hard to talk a lot at first. We got off the phone and I asked her through text message if she could at least give me some form of closure some time, since she never had. That it was important for me to receive some understanding of what happened for us to remain friends. Because not having any understanding was really hurting me. She agreed and said she would give me closure, but not right now. She needed a bit more time. This bothered me a bit because it had already been two weeks and I really was struggling with the lack of closure and my feelings being ignored. It felt that by the time she actually attempted to give me closure, I wouldn't even want it anymore. But I agreed and said okay.

Fast forward to yesterday, and I finally messaged her and admitted to her that it was difficult for me because I've been trying so hard to get to a place where I could be her friend, but not having any closure was really starting to hurt in a big way and was hindering my ability to be friends. I said that I was trying so hard to be respectful of her, but at the same time, look out for my well-being as well. because I had feelings, too. So in an attempt to be fair, I simply asked her when she may be able to discuss this with me, simply looking for a time frame. That way, she gets her space, and my feelings get recognized. After all, after a year and a half relationship, she just dumped me out of the blue and hung up on me. I thought I deserved way more than that. I thought in deserved the respect of an explanation between two adults. And I was simply just asking when may be a good time.

Her response was incredibly mean and hurtful and shocking. She snapped and told me that she can't keep repeating what went wrong (repeating? Excuse me? She hadn't spoken to me in two weeks, let alone been repeating what the heck happened). She told me that she knew I was struggling but didn't give a damn. And that she was only concerned for her feelings for the first (insert cuss word) time for a change. And to leave her alone.

This flew all over me. I told her I didn't deserve to be spoken to like that. That her anger was misdirected and that I had simply just asked her for a time frame. That we had both agreed to be together. That it was voluntary. And she had chosen to be with me. I didn't force her. So that the times she had spent caring about my feelings were HER choice. Not me forcing her to care. And that I didn't appreciate her holding that over my head when being with me was her decision. I told she had just lost a friend.

I don't ever want to speak to her again. I'm so forgiving it's more like a flaw than anything. But I've been put through the ringer by this girl. And after that, I've had enough.

Can anyone explain why the he*l she responded that way? In a way, it's not shocking. But at the same time, it is. I spent almost two years bending over backwards to accommodate her feelings, yet somehow, when it's all said and done, I'm selfish?

Anyway, just curious for opinions.

 

[blue_eyes18]

I get it. She's struggling. That's not an excuse to trample the people who only tried to love you and support you.

 

[The Albatross]

You're struggling. She sounds defiant and self absorbed. But yes, that is not an excuse to trample the people who only tried to love and support you blue eyes.

 

[blue_eyes18]

Thank you for your response. I sent her a message today and told her what I said; that I know she's struggling, but it's not an excuse to trample those who love her. I've never really stood up for myself while in our relationship. I pretty much let her get away with just about everything on account of PTSD. This is the first time I set boundaries with her for the way I will allow myself to be treated. This was it.

She wrote me back and apologized. Said she was just in the middle of a breakdown and she didn't mean to take it out on me. She said she was sorry and she didn't mean it. That she wishes she could take it back. I never responded.

It's too late to apologize now. I've given and given and never asked for anything in return. And I just got trampled over and over. Last night was the final straw. I can't do it anymore. She finally lost me for good.