Just Came Out Of A Flashback

[EvenStrongerNow]

It really sucked. It started when I went to Riteaid to get some more Benadryl. One of those hustler personality types came at me out of nowhere in the nail polish section. I knew it was coming, but I tried really hard to work through it. I left the store quickly, started picking out colors reds, then greens as I was driving. I started to feel better and then another trigger, sirens. I pulled over to the right side and when I could move, I started picking out colors again, yellows and whites.

I got some dinner for my husband and I. I told him about what happened. I kept picking out colors, blues and then greens again and I felt a little better. Then, we started arguing about something, something really tiny and it was a small little butting of heads. He was just being a good husband and expressing his concern for my safety regarding a couple of jobs I wanted to apply for.

There was also an expression that he made during the conflict that reminded me of the trauma and I could feel myself going, but I did not realize it until it was too late. He said he felt like I saw him as someone else. I tried to hang on but I could not. I felt like I was back with my ex again, the one who threw a wrench in all of my plans, the one who controlled me and isolated me, the one who gas lighted me, the one who was crazy making all of the time.

I went into a full on flashback. I knew what it was this time and I did not let it take me out. I rocked and cried as I was remembering. Then, I quickly asked my husband to get me some ice. He brought it. I held it in my hand and called out colors. I chose blues. Then I chose pinks. Then I told myself I was safe and put the ice in my mouth. I came out of it.

I feel exhausted now. There are more details to this flashback, but I'm tired right now.

I am going to continue on and push through this. I'm not going to allow this to isolate me and depress me all the way again.

 

[nomedic1]

You did well stronger now, you got through I'm proud of you as hard as t was you pushed through

 

[Tinyflame]

Strongernow, am not sure if this will be useful even one bit, but the times I've had a flashback during it I couldn't tell you where I am or who else is there nor 'see' anything else in my surroundings nor know what I am doing- I'm not 'here' I'm 'there'. Nor do I recognize it's coming, only that it has stopped.

Could this be emotional flooding/ triggers you are describing instead? I'm familiar with those and always at some level 'present'.

Great that you made it through, and can pinpoint what was triggering. :tup: :hug:

 

[billie]

(((Hugs)))

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

No. It was a flashback. At the beginning of my post. I said I knew it was coming. I meant the trigger. The guy in the store. I saw him coming toward me. Strange man coming toward me trying to hustle is a trigger. My ex did that.

The flashback happened after I got home ...after my husband came home from work and we got into a conflict. I started slipping away somewhere in the fight. I was not fighting with him anymore. I was fighting with it. The war broke out in my head and all I could see was my ex. I didn't even know what we were fighting about anymore. Nothing made sense and I thought he was trying to dupe me. I thought he was crazy making. I thought I was with him in the present the entire time, but I wasn't. Somewhere in it, I left.

I don't see my husband at all when this happens. I don't see my surroundings either. I have had these before, in the past with him, but those ones happened in anger outbursts. I would scream at the top of my lungs yelling at my ex and when I came to, I didn't know why I was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking. Usually, when my husband says I'm seeing him as someone else, it brings me back, but this time, it didn't. I thought he was crazy making. I seriously thought he was my ex.

When I came back, I was rocking and crying and remembering. My eyes were peeled up toward the ceiling and I saw the images in my head. My husband shouted, "What do I do? Baby, don't go away. Come back." I don't know how, but I asked my husband to get me the ice and then from there . . .you know the rest.

When I got to the point of telling myself it was safe, my husband sat down in front of me and I saw a haze in my eyes. I was still seeing my exes face on him and I was scanning his eyes to see if he was high on drugs (something I needed to do with my ex). After putting the ice in my mouth, it felt completely gone. Then, I just felt exhausted.

 

[Tinyflame]

That's great @StrongerNow , that you could remember what to do if not exactly 'why' at the moment.

My flashbacks tune out exterior sound also. I am more an emotional observer in them than an active participant, I mean I see, hear and emotionlly feel what's going on in them, but not sure how much I react. Like a movie reel somewhat.

Maybe this is also a good time to reassure your H, from what you said he sounded pretty fearful.

Really great accomplishment though. And you grounded quickly to know who you were, who your H was (is), and where you were. That takes a while for me and I 'wake up' running.

They are kind of like an 'awake nightmare', really, come to think of it? With the (a) reality component.

TLC to you, :hug: .

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Thanks JuneBug! Thanks for the support. And thanks @nomedic1 and @billie

I did do my best to reassure my hubbie. He told me it is scary. I mean, it is not like I am flailing about. I just sit there and do the do, yanno.

It was good I could use the coping skills I learned about, yes. I neverrrrr used to be able. It is a huge improvement.

My hubbs is such a lover. He joked today about his work crisis the night before and said, "Welp! It seems we both had our share of freak outs this week!" :D