Just Curious How Many Of You All Do This?

[Lee2001]

So I was just wondering about this the other day and thought it may related to ptsd:) I am very good at putting others needs before my own, almost to the degree I can put my self down?? If that makes sense? Like I will put all of my effort and energy into others and their needs at my own expense. What can be bad is doing this in my own abusive family. For example, I still continue to see Grandmother and do all I can for her placing myself around abusive family members. I do this due to grandmother being older and starting to decline in health etc. Do you all care for others even in good ways and in good circumstances but do not care for your self?

 

[Deleted member 39333]

I have spent my entire life doing exactly that. I have always done a lot of volunteer work, and taken care of people who are virtually strangers both in person and through anonymous volunteer work. I have no interest in, or desire to, or knowledge of how to care for myself. In fact, I find myself getting very impatient when people talk about "self care"; like it is an easy thing to do or a natural one (it isn't either one for me), and it also frustrates me that so many of the self care things are either triggers for me, or so simplistic that I can't see them helping. Baths are a trigger for me so I wouldn't do it anyway, but every time some book tells me to "take a bath" to ward off a flashback I want to drown the author in a tub. Like taking a bath will just wash away everything that happened and make everything better? Yeah. Right. So yes, I understand. I also understand that it isn't healthy, but I find it easier to take care of other people than to deal with trying to take care of myself. No one has ever taken care of me, and no one ever helped me, so I find it hard to say no to people in need because I know what it feels like to need help and not get it.
It's complicated, isn't it?

 

[ladee]

I used to do that. Until I learned it was an avoidance technique I used to not take care of myself.
If I could just make enough people happy, be present for others, then that somehow validated my right to be on this planet.
It worked for awhile until the anxiety was so bad I couldn't leave the house..
The depression was keeping me suicidal...then...I had to take care of me.
I understand and still catch myself putting others before myself.
But not for long...putting off that self work took twice as long and didn't change a thing about the irk I had to do.
That is bautiful that you are self aware!!
Just keep reminding yourself Its your turn!
Gentle hugs to a sister co dependant that needs a lot of ME time!!

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

Yes. I still struggle with it fairly often, even though I fully know I can't help to healthily fill another's love cup while mine remains empty.

 

[sun seeker]

I find it hard to say no to people in need because I know what it feels like to need help and not get it.

This is one of the places I still get stuck. It's a big one, but I'm getting better at it. Let's see if I can figure out how to explain how.

For one, I got taken advantage of a lot. Precisely because I know what it's like to be desperate for help, I tend to believe others needing help are in dire circumstances the way I may have been. It's hard but there are people who will take advantage of kindness and leave the giver with nothing.

Another thing is I did come to see that if I don't take care of myself, I will have nothing left to give. I came close enough to that being the truth that I learned the hard way that I do have to focus on me. Taking care of myself is not being selfish. The more work I do on myself, the more I will have to give others. It's like putting your life jacket on before helping others with theirs, you know?

And a third is I acknowledged that I am not the only person in the world who can help. Sometimes it will be me, sometimes someone else. But do I know for sure that no one else will come along and help someone I had to say no to? Of course not. I'm not responsible for the whole world, anymore than anyone else is. I think it's a good thing to question exactly how much we are responsible for. At the most basic, we are responsible for taking care of ourselves (and our children and pets if we have any) and for not hurting anyone else. Beyond that, it's up to us what we want to and are able to give. Many people struggle with that question, and that's where even though this is an issue much bigger than PTSD, where I can see we might have a bigger problem with it than most is in difficulty defining boundaries. That is, where do you end and others begin? If you are clear on that, you can give because you truly have something to give, and say no with compassion when you don't.

I also wonder as I write this, could giving to others while denying ourselves be a way of not looking at the extent of our own pain? A kind of dissociation almost?

 

[ladee]

@sun seeker, I shared that previously. I also used it to avoid my issues.

 

[tsukino]

I do it too unconsciously, like almost my innate nature, but it's learned, a strategy for surviving the bitterness of being without love from others.

I am relearning a new strategy for living my life, my self. Like mentioned in the others' comments, first you then others. Why should you exclude yourself? You are among all others and at the centre of all. This is by no means "selfish".

 

[Jordash]

It may be a sign that you are an Empath. We are the spiritual therapist of the world. Do you find that you encounter people you don't know giving their life story? Do you feel you have a unique ability to connect to anyone? Do a little research if you're interested.

 

[Fadeaway]

All my life, but I am much better not jeopardizing my self to please someone who wont appreciate it. I am still not 100% but greatly improved in that area.

 

[J'qel]

Many of us do. I have to step back from real life sometimes. My husband explains it that when we started dating he worried about me because I was killing myself by doing everything for all these people. I was constantly on the go, spreading myself so thin he was concerned that I would actually irreperably harm myself by pushing so hard to do so much.

I know where I get it from-it's part and parcel of my childhood trauma and growing up as the person who my mother and father and sibling went to for confessions and advice. Yup, as the youngest child, starting at younger than eight, I was having my mother and father ask me what they should do about their marriage and my sibling about how they should interact with either parent. I was the peacemaker in our family. I was the one who held things together and tried to make it work out.

So now I feel responsible for everyone. All the time.

I've stepped back,but the best I can manage is just not to get pulled in. That means I now rarely go out or socialize-because I know me, and I *will* get sucked back in. I don't have any brakes when someone asks for help. So I need to put some actual physical space in and remind myself that it's for my own good. I need to remind myself constantly that they are all adults and they need to live their own lives and make their own decisions-of course the only way I can keep away is by telling myself I harm them by interfering, that I'm stunting their ability to care for themselves-but it's (kind of) working.

It means I went from being *extremely* social to almost a shut in, but given the alternatives, it's a step up. I'm hoping over time and with therapy, I may eventually be able to install some proper brakes (ones that don't make me second guess and feel guilty), but I have some decades of habits to unpack and work against to get there, so I don't know how long it will take.

It does help for things like this forum though-I find I can help people which take the edge off and makes me feel worthy, but yet, I'm online and not in person so I have the distance I need to take time. It's really appreciated.

 

[Cannottakethis]

I LOVE helping people. Like every job I've had as an adult has had to do with that. My friends used to call me Therapist Shell. I used to want to be a therapist but I realized I'd get too caught up in everyone's stories and not be able to help.
I've also spent hours of my own therapy discussing other people's problems.
There have been many times where I have put others needs before my own. I'm working on changing that now.

 

[Freedomfighter]

So I was just wondering about this the other day and thought it may related to ptsd:) I am very good at...

Yes, when visiting my mom I had to face my abusive father, that was very tough. It is commendable of you to take such good care of your grandmother, despite other dysfunctional family members.

Ever since I uncovered a prostitution ring at one of my prior workplaces those criminals are attempting to put me down in ways which you would not believe. Their harrowing attempts to lie about me and their attempts to get close to me to hurt me are unprecedented. And all that because I had the guts to uncover what really went on in that place.