Childhood Just Curious.

[Ginja]

@Mal Content Her support is, she has put up with so much from my family and me that I honestly don't know how I still have her. She's always seen the good in me. We've had our days but in the end her love and support have been more than I could ever ask for.

I am in the process of cutting them out. Irony talk to my mom and have blocked communication from her. I no longer talk to my sisters although they don't know it yet, I just recently made that decision, and my dad is the hardest. I didn't have much of a relationship with him because of how my mom would talk about him so I naturally stayed closer to her. But for the period of time before my Nephews dad passing I was getting close to him. I think out of guilt for knowing what my mom did and not being able to tell him. His care and relentlessness to make sure his family is safe. My girlfriend and I were in a car accident when she was pregnant. My dad showed up to the accident, handled the insurance, and the rest of the wreck while I went with my girlfriend to the hospital to make sure everything with our baby was okay. After everything was handled he met us at the hospital and stayed there until we were discharged. My girlfriend told me to tell him to leave but I knew he wouldn't. The accident happened around 11:20 pm and we were discharged at 7:00 am. That meant so much to me. And what hurts is from about 5am-7am my mom was upset and yelling at my dad because he wouldn't leave he hospital to take her to my other sisters house to help with her son. Nothing was wrong, she just wanted to give her a hand. It didn't matter that we were still running tests to make sure nothing happened....

Sorry kinda got distracted there. I want to cut them off and move but my girlfriend is very close to her family and I am closer to hers than mine. So I don't want to take her away from them plus I get along with her family very well.

 

[Ginja]

I also just want to say thank you to everyone who has replied. I've never been big on talking, and the idea of talking in an environment such as this just seemed ridiculous to me. But now after talking just a little bit to you guys it really does help. And knowing that you all have been through your own pasts and understand what I have gone through makes the different. So thank you very much for listening to what I have to say and not judging or making me think even worse about myself for what I've done. I know and have seen people do it. You all are super amazing.

 

[Gadgie]

Yea! the thing about this site is that everyone understands what other people post, as they have all experienced the something similar.

That's why I'm really glad I found this site as well, as before I found this site, I actually thought I was going mad? I was not receiving any help of any kind, or had someone who could understand what I was going through?

It was just fantastic to find other people who were going through the same thing, I hope you stay around and look forward to reading more of your posts.

 

[Ginja]

@Gadgie exactly, reading what so many others have gone through on this site just made it easier because there are definitely people that have been through worse than me. And it was that, that made it easier to handle writing my story so far. The feeling of getting judged wasn't so strong, and the help I see everyone giving others was so relieving, I think? Not sure how to characterize it, but just seeing all of that, something just told me "You can trust these people with your secret, and you don't have to worry about any of the negative replies and fears that you dread".

 

[Deleted member 33052]

I hear you, Ginja. This is the only place I have ever dropped my facade. What a relief that was.

Your father sounds like a good man, and a man who cares very much for you. That's something that not many of us have experienced. I'm happy for you.

 

[Ginja]

He is and he does, its just I know he has to side with my mom because that's his wife and they have to stick together. The last time we talked was about a month ago and I told him what my mom said to me and that it was the main reason I wasn't talking to her. He didn't say much except that he had his suspicions. We haven't talked and I don't know how he took it, because I knew by his reactions and his voice that what I said he hadn't been told yet. Things are still weird because of how big the gap is in my family. And when we talk I just feel like he wants to say other things but he has to be on his wife's side. That and they are in another state and I definitely don't like having conversations like that over the phone.

 

[Ginja]

I have a question for everybody. When your first memories started coming back, if it was something that you didn't remember when growing up, did you become obsessed with them? I am constantly reading stories and looking up different things about certain behavior, and what causes what? And I've read that you don't want to force it because you remember things when you are ready to deal with the pain of your past. Too much can overwhelm you and cause damage. How do you not obsess over it? Do you just keep your mind on other things somehow? Drugs and alcohol won't be an issue just to put that out there. I've had enough time with them to know I don't want them to be apart of my life. Just curious of your ideas and/or how you guys dealt with it?

 

[Powder]

Yes, when it first starts to flood back, yes. For about a year, I was only thinking about the abuse and flashbacks of it.

In your posts, you mention things that are not sexual abuse to you but evidence that you might have been abused prior to those memories.

Then, you talk negatively about your mom. It is possible that you are angry at her for not protecting you from the abuse you cannot remember.

Keep an open mind and definitely do therapy ongoing. It is okay to go with your supportive girlfriend, at least for a while, but eventually, you may want your own to really unload. Some people decide that their trauma is too much for their significant other and want to share with a therapist first and later decide what, when, and how to share with the S.O.

In my experience, after having a child, if you are a healthy person, you will feel the need to deal with your own childhood. It is a normal thing that people do go through. Do not feel bad at not remembering or even thinking about things that could be traumatic until now. That is very common for childhood trauma.

No rush. It takes time, little by little you go further.

 

[Sideways]

You can work in therapy to encourage memories along, but they do seem to surface when they're good & ready.

I know that there are members who have felt a strong need to remember everything. For me it was (and is) the opposite. I'm never grateful for new memories, and as much as I know that I need to process this stuff, I'd really rather not know. And every time my memory archive decides to give me a bit more, I always hope that's the last of it, "enough now, I get the idea, don't need any more thanks!"

 

[Ginja]

@Muse I've been angry with my mom for the past 3 years. It was only this past Tuesday that I remember led the memories that I posted. Or do you mean unknowingly I was angry at her for not protecting me?

Yeah I talked to my girlfriend this morning about her attendance. She said the first couple she'd go to and if something did happen to me and I started to remember then she'd wait in the waiting room. As of right now I really am not fond of that idea because she is the closest person to me right now and I won't have her to hold and be there but everyone is right. If the situation comes up once the really ugly stuff comes out I really dont want her to see that.

Right now the thought of something trauma in my past is the same as ghosts and God. I have never seen a ghost, but so many of the people that are close to me have seen them and I trust them. So to me I have no proof, but I am conflicted with if they actually exist. Same with God, I've never seen any proof of him but so many people believe and have faith in him. So I can't remember anything what so ever that would be traumatic to me as a child so it's hard to believe it, but the fact that I've done the things in my posts makes me kind of wish there is. I want to know but at the same time if something did happen I am scared that I won't be able to handle it. I don't have the best record for handling bad things very well.

 

[Ginja]

@Ragdoll Circus I really am in the confused boat. I really want to believe that I want to know, but the things I've read I truly am terrified. And to be in your boat of still having new memories when you just want to be done. It scares me so much that I don't have what it takes to process and take on if something happened. And that's the thing it's all what if. I still don't know if something happened, so I could just be getting worried about something that may not have happened. Which makes me feel foolish. That's why I want to know, so at least I know I have a right to feel this way. It has happened to all of you and the last thing I want is to be someone who thinks something may have happened when I really am just overthinking, or just reading way too much into everything.

 

[Powder]

Yeah, if I had to choose permanent amnesia for my traumas or the recurrent flashbacks of it, I would not pretend that were a simple choice.

After reading extensively about PTSD, I realize these are phases of the disorder, and no choice is involved. It's just the nature of traumatic memory storage and intrustion. It does what it likes. but I have the control on how I heal this stuff. I have NOT let it grind me into the ground, after five years of recurrent flashbacks that get, admittedly worse, as they peel the layers down to the "hotspots."

In my case, with my kids, I still choose remembering because I was able to identify the sources of the abuse at the first flashback and remove those people from my kids' life. I may have prevented my kids from being abused. And so in my case, it is all worth it. Even for my personal journey in life, it was necessary for me to grow up out of constant dissociation.

"Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" is a film, to me, about the dangers of remaining in amnesia about one's traumas. Also the phrase "comfortably numb" to me is dissociation, except it wasn't.

During the amnesia, I had frequent complex PTSD symptoms and felt I was crazy. It was frightening in itself.

Now that I know my triggers, I can see it coming and be prepared for the emotional waves. It really is worth going through the flashbacks, as horrible as they can be.

Knowledge and wisdom is not for the faint of heart. But they are prizes worth more than rubies.

"Negative symptoms" is being numb and feeling unsure about what you are feeling. Numb, not noticing what everyone is noticing.

"Positive symptoms" is like flashbacks, anxiety, emotional flashbacks, body memories, paranoia, obsessions, etc.

They mix to the point I can't tell them apart, which is worse during amnesia, because nothing makes sense, and I tended to get angry and blame others instead of seeing what was happening within PTSD.

Your being angry at your Mom for 3 years seems like a positive symptom of something, maybe not PTSD related.

Do you know why you are angry with her? Starting 3 years ago?

I hope something here is helpful for you to take into consideration or therapy.

And I hope you find some peace in the therapy process and with your girlfriend's kind support and the forum.