Sexual Assault Just Found Out My Daughter Was Molested

[Heather]

I don't know if I did the right thing and now I'm freaking out (sort of). One of Nicole's friends from the old neighborhood called and asked if she could come over to her house.

I was hesitant because it's where Selena is. I talked to Ericka (friends mother) and told her that I have no right to tell her who she can and can't have at her home but if Selena were to come over, then Nicole was to call me and she has to come home. She understood.

She said the girls would probably ride their bikes around the neighborhood, that concerned me too because what if Selena was out there. We went back and fourth and at one point she said, "well, maybe if this is going to be to big of a deal, Nicole shouldn't come over". I told her no and that I was probably over-reacting but just wanted Nicole safe. She said she understood.

We devised a plan and if anything were to happen, I told Nicole to go straight back to Ericka's house and she would call me and I'd come and get her.

I hope I'm doing the right thing. Sending her over there makes me very nervous. But I was cautioned by the svu detective NOT to go around telling the other parents that their kids shouldn't play with Selena (I don't remember exactly how he put it, but that was the gist).

I'm putting my trust into my daughter that she will speak up if anything should happen and that scares the shit out of me. 'Cause Nicole has proven that she doesn't have a voice..... Something she needs to desperately work on. I just hope I'm doing the right thing.

NOT letting her go over there is punishing her. I talked to the crisis person where I get therapy and I said, "it's just too much and I'm going to give it to god". I'm not a religious person, in the least but this one.....I've gotta give.

 

[Heather]

I also think I'm gonna have to make that call to Brianna's dad and explain to him that Nicole just can't play with Brianna right now ( to much for her ).

I dread doing this. But Brianna called again today *sigh*. How am I ever going to do this? Without the end result being Brianna feeling hurt and rejected.

God, this sucks.

 

[Heather]

Okay, I did it. I called Brianna's dad and explained how Nicole was feeling. He was understanding and nice about it. He said it is what it is.

I told him I adored his daughter and didn't want her to end up feeling rejected but it's just too painful for Nikki right now. I also said that I didn't think it was fair to have Brianna keep calling and making up excuses or just not answering the phone.

I said maybe after some time has passed and with more therapy Nicole will be able to be friends again.

He said he'd talk to her tomorrow and also have the therapist explain it to Brianna as well.

That's one of the hardest conversations I've had to have. I feel just awful. Even though I know I did what had to be done 'cause it's not fair to Brianna.

f*cking Selena! She's caused so much pain and I don't think she has a clue, to just how much damage she's done.

 

[Heather]

Found a self-defense class for kids. There's a two week free trial....will take Nicole on Tuesday and see what she thinks. It's very expensive.

What I love about her new school, is that I mentioned it to them and they said if I couldn't swing it financially to let them know and they would look into having someone come and teach a self-defense class to the kids there.

They are so wonderful and supportive. I am truly blessed to have found that place!

 

[ladee]

Looks like to me, tho you are having an understandable tough time with this... you are doing all the right things for your daughter. Very proud of you Heather... this is one huge 'what if' and you are making loving choices.... sending healing energy to you both.... lots of hugs !!!

 

[mary1979]

Something similar to this happened with my 7 year old at her father and step mothers house a few years ago.

Both step mum and I are sexual abuse survivors so we are hypersensitive about protecting our kids just like you.

It began when one of step mums friends 14 yr old sons decided to explore with her 12 and 10 yr old daughters (no one knew this at the time) which over time evolved into her girls exploring with both step mums 7 year old son and my 7 year old daughter.

No one is exactly sure how long it went on for, maybe 6 months max and unlike your situation I don't think any violence was part of it, but there was the usual threats about secrecy.


I don't mean to tell you what to do, I clearly don't know the half of it in your case. But wanted to share with you how it was handled here and how we are all faring 3 years on, in the hope it may help you.

My daughter has given me details such as games of truth and dare that involved pressuring the 2 little ones to touch each other inappropriately, get into bed together naked, and also watch the 2 older sisters explore in a similar fashion.

When it was all unearthed, it was because step mums son was caught doing something inappropriate to himself resulting in her flipping her lid and screaming at him for being 'filthy' this caused him to push blame onto the other kids ' she made me do it, showed me how' etc

So step mum (instead of consulting me first or even telling me for 3 weeks of access visits, which infuriates me to this day) dragged all 4 kids in, launched into a bitter tirade and forced them to sit and watch while she called police and reported the 14 year old boy. The kids were all banned from playing alone together, and basically were tortured with the shame step mum projected onto them..

Eventually my daughters dad realised this wasn't being handled well and came to me.

I have a different approach.
My daughter and I spent weeks just discussing our bodies, how babies were made and why adults do some things naked together.
I never mentioned the situation at her fathers once and he and I had agreed to no.more access visits until it all blew over.

Eventually (this took about 3 weeks of discussion about things I really felt were too soon to be talked about with a 7 year old and were pretty uncomfortable for me) she just sat up in bed one night while I was tucking her in and blurted the whole story out.
Every little detail, and the shame she had felt when step mum found out.

See, like many victims, she had enjoyed the exploration. It was a pleasurable experience for her that she really didn't understand the weight of at all, and her step mums emotionally charged response shamed her and the other kids into a fear driven reaction full of self disgust.

To this day I don't think any of the kids would have really believed anything bad had happened to them had the truth never come out, and probably the worst thing to come from it would have been the 2 littlies being opened to their sexuality too young (definitely a danger)

Today, step mums 2 older girls who are now 17 and 15 have run away from home (within a year of the situation) both doing drugs and both promiscuous.

Our littlies are now 10. Step mums son began running away from home on a regular basis and eventually moved to his dads, he's a very angry little boy and I'm sad for him.
Its terrible that all this came to a head while he was learning about his own body and doing something that felt good, and is now probably self repulsed.


My 10 year old had 6 weeks of counseling, after which time they told me to let it all lie, she is fine and well adjusted, but just keep an eye on her sexuality as it develops.
About a week ago we found her on her tablet online yelling at a young boy for speaking inappropriately to a girl friend of hers, saying that he should never speak to a girl like that unless she asks him too..

I know how hard this has all been for you heather, and I hope you can find peace within yourself, your little girl will talk, when she feels safe enough. Just keep creating a loving and non judgemental environment x

 

[Suzetig]

Her therapist is leaving at the end of April. If they are hardly talking about it, there's not enough time to process all that went on in the last 2 years in the next 6 weeks.

You're right that's there's not enough time, I'm guessing her therapist is packing things to offer support without opening up stuff that will just leave your daughter feeling vulnerable and abandoned when she ends working with her. It's a sign of s responsible therapist and as @joeylittle says, means you can start over with someone new.

I know as an adult your instinct might be to get her talking about what happened, experience tells me that kids can quickly get to the point where it feels to them their whole life becomes about what happened to them and they can regret telling, stop talking about it, pretend they're coping. It often isn't about denial at all, more about needing things in their life that aren't about abuse.

If you look at it from her point of view, every single part of her life has changed and lots of people know about something that was incredibly private to her, and she has no control over who knows what, or who they share it with. That's all been necessary to keep her safe but it's very hard for a young person. Sometimes the child protection process can be more traumatic than the original abuse.

I'm not surprised she's saying everything's ok, it doesn't bother her etc, of course it does but I'm guessing she might need a rest from being this poor abused girl - even when she's clearly struggling to cope with it all, crying, tearful and not sleeping. You're doing a great job, just keep accepting her, letting her be a kid, making sure you have lots of fun things planned, praise her for doing so well and love her to bits. She, and you, will come through this.

 

[Anarchy]

@mary1979
sorry that your children and their step brothers and sisters were on the receiving end of such a harrowing and shaming experience.
I'm counting myself lucky that my early experiences were never discovered. Those experiences therefore escaped having such judgements passed on them.

 

[Heather]

NEED TO VENT:

One of the kids from the old neighborhood is spending the night (Aylin). She was talking in the kitchen and telling my daughter that she doesn't like Brianna. I asked her why and she said that Brianna, "is a stalker".

Brianna was watching her play with Selena.

I feel so bad for poor Brianna. Brianna is angry and feels betrayed because Aylin (knowing full well what has happened/what Selena has done) continues to play with Selena. Brianna told me she won't play with Aylin anymore for that reason.

I immediately saw 500,000 shades of red. But I remembered what the svu detective said. So, I asked Aylin, "can you understand why Brianna feels the way that she does?" Aylin said, "yes". I wanted to go on and lecture her but decided to keep my mouth shut.

I ended up saying, "if you want to play with Selena that is up to you". And left it at that. My daughter added, "just be careful".

What the f*ck is the matter with these kids parents? They know full well what Selena has done and yet continue to allow their kids to play with her!

Are they that stupid, ignorant, blind or in just plain denial. Give me a f*cking break. And poor Brianna has to see it.

And there's not a god damn thing I can do about it. PISSES ME OFF!

I agree with Brianna's dad: We are lucky. We moved. We don't have to see that kid on a day to day basis like they do...... So MADDENING.

I feel so hurt, sad and angry for Brianna.

End of rant.

 

[Heather]

GOD! I f*ckING HATE THIS!

 

[Heather]

I then heard Aylin, Nicole and Adrianna (other girl from old neighborhood) talking over face-time. Saying that Brianna wanted to go over to Adrianna's house and Aylin telling Adrianna, "just say you're too busy and can't talk right now". Then Nicole chimed in, "add me to group chat, I want to talk to Brianna". Adrianna refused.

Nicole was caught up in the whole thing. I will not stand for any of these kids being mean to Brianna. I was furious. I made up an excuse and called Aylin's mother and sent Aylin home. I don't want that kind of shit going on in my house (three kids ganging up on the other). Not okay.

After Aylin left confronted Nicole and all she did was deny, deny, deny that she was going to say anything mean to Brianna. What am I so kind of idiot? I knew exactly where she was going with this, she was caught up in it.

I won't stand for my daughter going along with the other girls and being mean. In this house, we don't do that.

 

[The Albatross]

It sounds Heather like your daughter is bucking to try to keep or regain the "status quo"... which means some peer influence that is not necessarily in her own or Brianna's best interests. Though I can understand wanting to keep and maintain friendships... glad you see through the veil and understand the ramifications. My own parents could have cared less. You are a loving caring mother who is actively parenting. Would that we all have been so lucky.

Can't give advise except to say... you were wise to nix the situation. Granted you can't always be on pins and needles waiting to catch this stuff, it's not fair to you either... what's your daughter getting in the way of assistance or a group rather than these old neighborhood girls and why is she leaning towards the further victimization of a "co-sufferer"... distancing/avoidance???? Dunno. You're really intuitive and have good instincts.