Sexual Assault Just Found Out My Daughter Was Molested

[ladee]

Little girls can be so mean. Turn on each other on a dime.. I am guessing that your daughter is mad at B for telling. How awesomely brave B is !! But taking care of it right away was the right thing to do. Under the circumstances Heather, you are doing an outstanding job right now... and it is JOB, I know you are wanting things to calm down.. but teaching your daughter that is not acceptable is a life lesson, not just about what has transpired. And of course you are exhausted and need a break from it all... what kind of consequences is your daughter getting for 'playing along'..... ? I know if I was in your shoes I would be overwhelmed right now... but please keep telling yourself that you are doing a great job.... Sounds like your daughter may have some hard lessons ahead of her.. But you are being consistent, being an awesome single parent... and trying your best to deal with things as they come up....just remember to take care of yourself here too.... this would be a hard thing under the best of circumstances... we all are behind you and sending lots of hugs..... being a good mom is a hard job... since most of us had lousy role models...

 

[Heather]

@ladee she has lost the privilege to use her I-pod for two weeks. So, that means no face-time, no chance of going along, to just get along. She has also been banned until April 1st from being allowed to play with Aylin or Adrianna.

I tried to role-play with Nicole and turn it around and see how she would feel if it were, Brianna, Adrianna and Aylin....being mean to her, excluding her, calling her a "stalker". How would she like it? How would she feel? I don't know if she got it or not.

My daughter just wants friends....and no matter what they do or say about her, she doesn't care. She gets angry, tells me about it, vents and complains but then claims it doesn't bother her. If it didn't bother her she wouldn't be running to me and complaining about how she's being treated and what's being said about her. She is quite frankly full of sh*t.

I have banned her from going over to one of her friends house, where the mother smokes like a chimney...they'd come out of there and STINK. Plus, her friend had head lice and it took me months to get rid of it because the mother's friend wasn't treating her head properly....she was buying the stuff from the dollar store!

Since, Nicole has stopped going over there. NO more head lice. But Nicole doesn't care. She'd rather continue to go over...even if it means constantly getting lice, just to play with a friend!

She has no concept or ability to gauge what is safe and what is not. What is acceptable and what is not. How do I teach that to my daughter. All she sees is me limiting her friends. I tell her she can make other friends.....One's that don't have parents on drugs or can't stay out of jail or who bad-mouth a little girl that's been sexually abused. My daughter just doesn't get it.

She still wants to play with Adrianna and Aylin, knowing full well that they play with Selena and that Selena says mean, nasty things about Nicole. What kind of friend is that?

I don't get it.

I see it now as my job to step in and teach her about how you treat other people and how you stay safe....whether she likes it or not. I'm realizing I am NOT her friend but her parent.

She is not happy with me at all and says I am mean. Well, my response to that (I would never say this) is too f*cking bad little girl, you have a lot to learn.

 

[Heather]

@ladee I may extend that ban from playing with those girls....to indefinite. She won't like that but too damn bad.

 

[Heather]

@The Albatross The way I overheard it is, I was in the kitchen and the door to her bedroom was open and I could hear their conversation and it was just down right mean.

If I'd been in the living room on the couch, I'd never would've known. Just luck I was standing there.

 

[ladee]

Absolutely @Heather !!!! It is not your job to be her friend.... and I think the role playing was an awesome idea !!! Something stuck, believe me, but she won't let you know until she is 35, and then by then you won't remember doing it !!! At some point she will make the connection of consequences being part of her actions.... until then... you just have to be RoboMom :arghh; and do what you have to do..... As I said earlier, this is life lessons... you would be doing this anyway, even under different circumstances... remember that... if she was misbehaving.... you would be doing the same thing....try to keep that in mind.... Good moms care how their kids turn out...you are preparing her for life, She doesn't have to like it, and she could call you 'mean' all she wants.... I would rather be 'mean' than 'sorry'... Good job... great job !!! Hang in there !!!! Sending mom hugs.... the hugs of understanding...:hug::hug::hug::hug:

 

[Heather]

@ladee if I could like this 1,000x's I would. Your support means so much.

 

[Suzetig]

If it didn't bother her she wouldn't be running to me and complaining about how she's being treated and what's being said about her. She is quite frankly full of sh*t.

She's a child, an abused, scared, confused child. I think you're expecting a lot of her in trying to negotiate the very complex dynamics she now finds herself caught up in with people who were friends, the girl who was also abused, people she would know and be used to being around. Girls at that age are mean, they can be bitchy and unpleasant - and they learn because their peer group teaches them. She won't learn to manage herself socially by you deciding who she's friends with or how she negotiates those relationships.

To be honest, it seems to me like you're finding opportunitues to be angry with, and take your anger out on, your daughter. You seem to expect her to have a maturity way beyond her years, much less considering the impact of abuse on her development and your discipline of her sounds quite harsh. I don't say that to criticise you though I expect that may be how you experience it. I say it because you swing between being heartbroken for your girl and speaking about her in very harsh tones and I wonder how she experiences that in you?

As her mum, it's your job to be consistent and even tempered and to manage your emotions - yes it's hard but she needs you on her side, not picking her apart, being punitive and punishing of her. It's not her fault she was abused, or that other people continue to be around the girl that did it, or that the girl didn't get the punishment you think she deserved or that you weren't there to keep her safe, or any one of the other dozen things that are burning you just now. If you can find a way to remember what those years were like for you, how confusing and challenging they were and go gently with her.

 

[Heather]

Decided to delete response. I'm not gonna go back and fourth with you about this. You have your opinion and I have mine.

A lot of what I come on here to do is vent.....so, I don't take it out on her. I don't agree with a lot of what you said.....so we can agree to disagree and leave it at that.

 

[Suzetig]

You of course have the right to parent your child any way you choose. I just wonder what it's like for her to experience what is, by your own admission earlier in this thread, such a change in your parenting style when so much else has changed for her.

 

[The Albatross]

Well since she's a "tween" and not a full blown teenager now, I think Heather's got a solid shot at communicating to her daughter that it's not cool do cultivate friendships that are problematic... for herself or for others.

Better by far to parent and instill some character and educate on the importance of standing up to peer pressures rather than go/roll with the group.

My parents were largely absent, like I said... and it's a big bad world out there. I got the scars to prove it.

 

[illusionist]

I ask you to reconsider the third punishment you are considering...stopping your daughter indefinitely from seeing her friends. From what I am reading she has already been punished twice....no Facebook, and no friends for two weeks....for one ' offence '......I feel deeply for what your daughter is going through right now....as well as know from experience the turmoil you are going through.

 

[Riot]

@Suzetig, so well said. I was thinking the exact same thing when I read this the first time. 100% agree with you.

I'm not gonna go back and fourth with you about this. You have your opinion and I have mine.

Interesting point of view. Do you think your daughter feels this way at all?