Sexual Assault Just Found Out My Daughter Was Molested

[Anarchy]

There are better ways of doing things and worse ways of doing those things.

With the better ways, we stand a better chance of achieving what we want to achieve, with the least pain.

With the worse ways, success is less likely and pain is more likely to be the result.

The worst of ways are likely to be ineffective or even to make things worse.

We are all free to reject any and all advise and suggestions that people make, as personal attacks and affronts to our ego...
But that raises a question,
Is this thread about helping you and your daughter, or about seeking praise for doing stuff that is likely to be hurting your daughter, and your future relationship to her?

 

[The Albatross]

Personally I think this is helping Heather as she is the member. But I am inclined to be a bit rigid that way.

By the way... "seeking praise" is NOT what Heather's after. Her 3 dimensional life... what she shares is her business. She's open for feedback but I completely understand her reaction.

 

[The Albatross]

Sorry but I find "or about seeking praise for doing stuff that is likely to be hurting your daughter, and your future relationship to her?" Completely out of order. Her thread, her situation, her process. Considering most of us are co-suffers and not professionals or face to face with Heather... I think that's a pretty damn huge leap.

 

[Riot]

Sorry but I find "or about seeking praise for doing stuff that is likely to be hurting your daughter, and your future relationship to her?" Completely out of order. Her thread, her situation, her process. Considering most of us are co-suffers and not professionals or face to face with Heather... I think that's a pretty damn huge leap.

Assuming that she does in fact want input and not just praise, valid points that don't necessarily agree with her shouldn't be addressed with such consistent hostility and dismissal. (In case you haven't noticed, Heather has a difficult time seeing the 'other side' as it is and this is not limited to just a single recent comment or two.) That 'leap' comes out of respect for the victim. You know just as well as any of us what victim blaming is and how it works. It can be a slippery slope.

I completely agree with you (@The Albatross) that this is her thread, but it was also created under the category "Trauma & Stressors > Sexual Assault" which is an open forum to both sufferers and supporters as far as I'm aware. (As opposed to, say, something a little more specific, like Supporter Relationships or Supporter Diaries.)

It begs the question (to some of us whom this is likely a fair trigger) as to why she decided to place it in this section of the forum and describe it in the manner which she did in her initial post. Personally, I found the initial post offensive and distasteful, and while you are rigid on fair expression and validation, I would hope (from what I know of you and think of you) that you can extend that same courtesy to those that have survived parents that do make it about them. (And yes, I am qualified to speak on the manner as I have had parents that made it about them, and I have a child myself.)

I'd like to point out, too, that there's nothing wrong or shameful about doing a bit of self checking through communities, and sometimes that's not easy. It's never easy to self examine, but dammit, we all know how necessary it is, c'mon.

I'm not saying that you (@Heather) are abusive per say, but girl, look at what you've written (by means of describing your situation) and the way you've written responses to those that don't jump to validate your every word. Nobody can know 'how' you are except by what you type to us. Just saying.

 

[The Albatross]

She is at liberty to share (or not) what she wants. She says she's venting. 'nuff said, for me at least.

 

[Riot]

@The Albatross, I agree 100%. I don't think anyone here is contesting that.

 

[Casey_03]

I've been following this thread and just wanted to offer my objective opinion here -- I don't see hostility anywhere from @Heather. I see her honestly saying up front when she does not agree with someone, but I don't see any hostility or "jab" at all. It seems more like she is just honestly saying she either disagrees or is not in a place to process the comments right now. Same thing in earlier posts about seeing it from Selena's side -- I didn't see any hostility there or rudeness, but someone openly admitting that she is still so hurt by this that she cannot see it from that perspective. Not that she will not or refuses to, but that she isn't ready. That said, of course alternate viewpoints are always welcome and it is good that she is getting different perspectives ... but I really don't understand where this bit about her responding with hostility is coming from.

 

[Riot]

@Casey_03, the reference to the jab, if you're referring to my response (which I edited for clarity), that was not directed at Heather, actually. :)

Decided to delete response. I'm not gonna go back and fourth with you about this. You have your opinion and I have mine.

A lot of what I come on here to do is vent.....so, I don't take it out on her. I don't agree with a lot of what you said.....so we can agree to disagree and leave it at that.

I have to politely disagree that there is no ruffled feathers, though. Deleting comments after sounding 'ruffled' is a bit passive aggressive, and that of course is just my humble opinion. Since it was retracted completely, obviously I am unable to quote from it. That's kind of convenient, I guess.

Anyways, best of luck, Heather.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

In defense of Heather I believe that she was venting her honest opinion and she said that she was not going to go back and forth on this.
It is a fact that Heather is doing the best she can being a single mom with no support except here.

I am glad that this thread is being supportive to her at this situation and is also a long standing member here on the forum.

Being a mother alone raising a child by herself is something to be admired.

Both of my children were molested one time only with two different predators. I did everything in my power to nail the bastards and got no justice and this like one of the worst things all parents fear.

She is a very good mom in my opinion and she does not need people overthinking this and blowing it out of proportion. My two cents.

 

[Heather]

You of course have the right to parent your child any way you choose. I just wonder what it's like for h...

And if I don't make those changes starting now....then when? When she's 16 and even more defiant? Trying to get a handle on her back talk and instilling values.....that is what I'm doing. There's nothing wrong with assigning chores and making a list of house rules on how we are to treat each other and what is and is not acceptable in this house.

That is what I'm doing. Playing catch up....which should have been started long ago, better now than never.

 

[Heather]

Sorry but I find "or about seeking praise for doing stuff that is likely to be hurting your daughter, and your future relationship to her?" Completely out of order. Her thread, her situation, her process, I think that's a pretty damn huge leap.

If I could like this 1,000x's I would. I am NOT on here looking for praise.....I find that offensive and absurd and to whoever said that:

I AM DOING THE BEST I CAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am on here for support. Our world has caved in and it's falling apart.

I come on here to vent and get it out, this is my place to do it. I have NO family support and very few friends.....this is my outlet.

I am not perfect and I make mistakes but I'm trying to deal with what is in front of me. Sometimes I get it right, others I fail miserably.

 

[Heather]

@illusionist I have spoken to my daughter's therapist about this punishment and she said that my allowing Nicole to go back over to that neighborhood and then fretting about whether or not I'm doing the right thing.....is sending mixed messages.

If in the end I decide she's no longer allowed to go over there that is showing her......what is and is NOT acceptable behavior by so-called friends. Ganging up on a poor defenseless little girl who was sexually abused for almost 2 years......that's exactly what my daughter did. Going along to get along.

The therapist explained that she will see from my decision that there are consequences for behavior and no longer allowing her to go over there sends a clear message that's NOT what true friends do. And I don't think it matters that it's just 1 offence.....it's the content of the offence that I find so disturbing and upsetting. My daughter was up there and saw what was happening to that little girl and for her to do that, join in like that, COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY UNACCEPTABE.

I am her mother and it is my decision.