Just Found Out The Details Of My Wife's Rape

[garden]

You're human, and flawed, just like the rest of us. It's brave of you to come here and post, knowing that this is a place where you will get honest responses, and maybe a little bit of judgement too (that's because we're human and flawed as well). I know that if I were in your shoes and someone hurt my husband years ago and I found out now, my inner lioness would roar too, and I might even find myself searching for the perpetrator so that I could direct my anger properly. I think it wise to deal with these feelings in a manner that does not bring harm, hurt, or worry to your wife. She survived it years ago, and I assure you that she does not want it to affect her life today, not in any shape or form. Stay strong, find a way to deal with your feelings about this that does not impact her. A lot of people here have said some really insightful and helpful things, and from this last post it sounds like you are hearing them.

It's obvious how much you love your wife, and that you are aware that you have it good. I commend you for being a loving husband and I commend you for recognizing what you have, where so many don't. I hope that you can get the help that you need to deal with this, and that you continue to grow and learn. This will ebb and flow and shift, and I hope you find the comfort that you seek.

 

[Kintsugi]

I'm really enjoying this thread.

I would admittedly enjoy it more if you, @Hooper, would be mindful it is difficult to read when paragraphs aren't broken up. I'll note it is especially difficult to people with PTSD to read large blocks of text.

I'm not being snarky; I'm being honest. I'm enjoying this thread, but I simply can't read your response, voracious consumer of words that I am. :( Another mod kindly edited your first post I see, but we do not like to make a habit of doing that for members.

I'd like to say more, but it's already been said by some of our awesome members. :tup:

 

[Hooper]

Lewa,
There was nothing brave about coming here. I didn't know if I was posting in the right section much less what I would get. When you can't sleep and have nowhere else to go because you have boxed yourself in a corner I can't really claim much courage or bravery. The amount of honesty and dose of judgmental barbs were what I needed. At the end of the day all we have is time. My last week has been a miserable stretch of time that has proven to not be one of my finer moments. Many members who are absolute strangers took time out of their life to steer me in the right direction. I semi jokingly refer to this group as "my women" when my wife asks me who I'm typing away to. I appreciate the male perspective as well but I already have that. What I needed and got was my women's perspective. She laughed at how unanimously (100%) my actions were ripped apart and appreciates it as well. She's very curious to read what I posted but I can't let her know that I have trouble understanding how the relationship continued for months later. At this point I think she's just glad I stumbled on this gold mine.
Simon,
I do use paragraphs. I don't know why it blocks it up like that. I'm on an Apple. I just looked up and tried to edit my last big post and didn't see how to do it. I will say it is a nice change to get constructive criticism on my editing on top of how I botched my wife's revelations. I'll try to fix it

 

[ihateusernames]

I'm glad I'm not just being finicky. I did have a hard time reading some of this thread and I wanted to tell you @Hooper that you can quote text from any of the previous posts by highlighting and clicking that little +Quote thing that comes up. Then you can add them to your response. It breaks the quotes that you want to respond to and your responses up nicely. It's a really good feature on this site that's not as well done anywhere else that I've been online.

I'm late to the game and know it's already been said, but the main thing that kind of jumped out at me is this: your wife may seem to have moved on with her life and be unaffected by this, but that does not mean it's true. Strangely enough I had a similar conversation with my husband just about a month ago. He has known what happened for 15 years, too, but we never really discussed it until that day. I was able to tell him matter-of-factly what happened and to brush it off as just part of the past that doesn't matter anymore. I'm sure he thinks that telling him didn't effect me, or maybe he knows me well enough that he's aware that it did, I'm not sure. Either way, it did. I didn't even give graphic details, but I was shaken up over it for probably a week and a half after. If he had then continued to bring it up and go on about it that only would have magnified how upsetting it was to talk about it.

But, anyway, it sounds like you understand that point pretty well now. :)

 

[Friday]

She's very curious to read what I posted but I can't let her know that I have trouble understanding how the relationship continued for months later.

Cash on the table says it's because you know her now... As the strong woman she is... Not as the scared 13yo she was. The strong woman she is was made by years and years of fighting, and learning. Not by any one action or decision, the rape didn't make her who she is, but by all of the decisions and choices and lessons and fights she's had over the years. The rape and time after being only one part of it.

 

[Hooper]

I wasn't going to go here but I've had the chance to chill and think about this and I can't stay silent. You messed up big time. ALL OVER THE PLACE.
This ain't about you, honey. Go talk to someone and figure out how to stop making this about you.

Done

......Shouldn't the biopsy be about her? I get it, it was stressful but she needed you and it SOUNDS like you were wrapped up in your worries about it too much to be much support.

If I had to name my autobiography it would be "Me and My Dumbass". This was a case in point. I drove her 2 1/2 hours to a specialist who had a fellowship in mammography who was also one of my best friend's wife. Because of that she let me in the room to watch the procedure (fundamentally bad idea). They took a needle the size of a bar straw (don't need a what did your dumbass expect from Kefira) and sucked out a sample of questionable tissue. Everything is still about her until they pull this giant needle out. That's when I turned pasty white, got cold sweats and nearly puked and it became about me. I really did try to be supportive though.

A friend's husband died. Were you and the husband close? Why not say a friend died? Were you and the wife close? Were you her only support? WTH? Again, offering support is hard but it's not about you.

I never met the husband but he was good friends with many mutual friends and by all accounts a great guy a year older than me. Oddly this was her 2nd husband to die. I went to high school with the widow who is a friend. I was far from her only support. I lived far away and could only send a letter. I don't see where me being saddened and writing a letter to a friend made a widow for the 2nd time makes it all about me. I actually consider myself an empathetic person and not the selfish one I clearly proved to be by how I handled the details of my wife's rape.

Again... this is about HER not YOU.

And that's when you should have STOPPED. She TRUSTED you. And then you went and did THIS:

WHY did you do that? WHY? What did you THINK her reaction would be? Just READING that got my heart rate up. I can remember telling and the reaction of the person and how it changed our relationship on a fundamental level becuase he did something similar. Reacted in a similar manner. We were NEVER the same again because I told him and you know what? You're headed the same direction. YOU said it: you hit the Powerball with your wife. Now you want to go and mess with that because you've been making everything about you AND you can't let go of something that DIDN'T EVEN HAPPEN TO YOU.

I'm used to 7-8 hours of sleep a day. I was working on 3 for several days. It was a poor decision I had not clearly thought out. Luckily though I came here. Had some sense verbally beaten into me and made amends. I actually think it has brought us closer. I agree that it didn't even happen to me. Where I disagree is it happened to the person I love most. What seems selfish to you is actually a form of poorly thought out empathy on my part. Men and women are wired differently. You and several others have clearly shown me the error of my ways. I'm learning. I'd also like to explain the male perspective. It was never my intent to hurt my wife. If I could take it back I would.

Remember this powerball that you won? Do you RESPECT YOUR WIFE? Seriously, she's got a point.

I greatly respect my wife. If this were a math problem it would not be 2+2 on the difficulty scale. It is high levels of emotions on both parts by 2 parties who are wired completely differently separated by 20 plus years since the incident occurred and when I was no longer insulated by knowing the details of what occurred. I opened Pandora's Box and although I can't close it I am going to make the most of it.

Guess what buddy, life isn't fair.
It isn't.
Ever heard of Tolkin? Great writer.
He wrote this in The Lord of the Rings
"Many that live deserve death. And some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them? Then do not be too eager to deal out death in judgement"

YOU DON'T HAVE A SAY HERE. YOU DON'T GET TO LOOK FOR JUSTICE. YOU DON'T. Just. for the love of all things GOOD in the world, in your life, in her life, in the lives of the two children you are raising, STOP.

Done

No, you've done something FAR worse. You've put her in a place of worrying about what you will do. What you will say. What has happened to the relationship where she could look to you for love and acceptance and forgivness and happiness. You broke that. You can still fix it but you broke it.

Far worse than what? I hope we are not talking about rape. Thanks to you and several others justice is off of the table. Our relationship is stronger than you think. The break was very temporary. She's stronger than you think.

no kidding. I am worried too. Your reaction to all of this speaks of an immense immaturity. Yes, it isn't nice to say but what you did wasn't nice.

What you said about my immense immaturity does not phase me. I'm not trying to pick a fight and it may be my immaturity coming through but on a 1 to 10 scale the pain you have caused me is in the negatives. Reliving my wife's rape however was in the 8-9 range of my pain scale. I had everything to gain and nothing to lose by coming here. You and others have actually eased my pain greatly in a very short time period with the time you spent pounding in my head what a dumbass I've been and I am very grateful. I don't know how many of you are counselors of some sort but I think I may be set up for disappointment when I pay a professional after having my ass handed to me here. I can't decide if your verbal ass beating was worse or Kefira's. It really doesn't matter to me. Whether the lashing was out of concern for me or my wife doesn't matter either. It worked and I greatly appreciate it.

Really? REAL MEN go figure out what the hell is wrong with them and work on fixing it. It's nothing to do with stupidity it's all ego.
You've got an 8 yr old "Let it GO!"
Go TALK TO SOMEONE and work through this and STOP PUNISHING YOUR WIFE because that's what you're doing at this point.

I've got a 3 year old to. Point taken. Again not trying to pick a fight as much as trying to contribute to the forum. For some reason I feel like a bigger asshole than my wife's rapist. It's as though he did X and my reaction had the effect squaring if not cubing X. I hear what you're saying but hear me out. REAL MEN don't rape. I am no doubt flawed. My flaws are amplified when someone rapes the most precious thing in my life. I am fully aware I mishandled the situation and I am in full correction mode. I couldn't have done it without those who have posted. The answers of how to handle the rape of a loved one are not intuitive. My view of rapists is as extreme as what they do that defines who they are. At the end of the day all I care about is my relationship with my wife and to keep it moving forwards. I am going to talk to someone and I am going to work through this. Thanks again.

 

[desiderata310]

I am going to talk to someone and I am going to work through this

I am SOO incredibly happy to hear this. You have no idea. I'm literally welling up with tears writing this.
There are a lot of raw emotions for those of us who posted responses.

You don't know me from Adam but I am PROUD of you.
Let us know how things go, please.

 

[scout86]

without betraying my wife's privacy which it looks like I did a damn good job of doing anyway.

If you mean by coming here.....maybe that's not really betrayal. Everyone needs help sorting stuff out sometimes and this place has a remarkable assortment of insights, plus that unflinching honesty you mentioned. If you meant by coming here, maybe you can give yourself a pass.

Careful with the Ambien, I've seen that stuff do some kind of weirdly scary things.

 

[desiderata310]

My computer and MyPTSD are not friends today. I've missed half of the thread trying to read it at work so I'm catching up.

If I had to name my autobiography it would be "Me and My Dumbass". This was a case in point. I drove her 2 1/2 hours to a specialist who had a fellowship in mammography who was also ...

No no no...
I was afraid you would misinterpret that.
I don't think there's anything wrong with getting woosy, passing out, vomiting or any of that. That's just a vasovagal response. TOTALLY understandable. Some people do that at the site of needles- tiny ones. There are few in the world who wouldn't be distressed at the site of a giant straw size thing going into someone. Just.. ew.
Good on you for going with her... Maybe next time, look away...

Long and short... It happens.

It was the way you talked about it in the thread that made me knee jerk respond to it.

There was a lot of "me" in the origional post. My snarling response pissed you off and put you on the defensive but it also make you reexamine your position.

It also sounds like you're working to seriously redeem yourself.

I can be a mean bitch in certain settings. I thought I'd calmed down- I was still way triggered and overlaying you with someone else so I know I came off super harsh. I was actually trying to and though I had dialed it back. sorry.
It doesn't mean there isn't validity to what I said.

Oh and I SECOND the ambien comment. It works for some people which is great but WHEW! if you have a reaction to it, it can be NASTY.

 

[shell]

Any one can stuff up, but it is what you do to fix it later that will make all the difference, taking responsibility for your actions is a positive step. One of the greatest things I received from therapy was learning how to talk to my husband, communication is the best way to sort out problems with in a relationship.

 

[shimmerz]

At 14 I came very close to being sexually assaulted.

I feel like this has some level of importance here. This would explain some... I would mention this to the counselor. Sometimes our own issues get messed up with others and we don't realize it.

 

[-lemurlibs91-]

It sounds like discussing your own experience when you were younger, with a counsellor could help you potentially get past both this and that situation. It could be affecting how you feel about your wife's experience and how you're reacting, without you realising.

I was still way triggered and overlaying you with someone else

I also want to second this - and explain that the strength of some of the replies here will be because reading certain things e.g. in your original post @Hooper , will trigger strong emotions off relating to our own situations. I know I personally had to check in with myself because I'm rarely forceful in the way I speak or write and I wouldn't be being true to myself if I were suddenly...but little things triggered off a reaction within me that was hard to contain initially. I also agree with @desiderata310 that this doesn't take away from the validity of what people said. But it seems you appreciate this. :tup:
.

Any one can stuff up, but it is what you do to fix it later that will make all the difference, taking responsibility for your actions is a positive step.

This is also so true. I'm so glad that you took the responses with such openness and didn't get overly defensive to the point of putting up a wall against it. It can be hard to hear that you've done things "wrong", but it looks like you've gained some insight and understanding from here of why things were unhelpful. I hope it all helps :)