Just Got Back From Deployment. Depressed, Crying, Can't Sleep, Nightmares. Possible PTSD.

[MontanaDevilDog24]

Umm hi. I'm Austin. I'm a 24 year old Corporal in the Marines. I recently returned back to Camp Pendleton after my second deployment to Afghanistan. While I was out there, one of my good buddies from my unit unknowingly stepped on a landmine while were both on patrol. He had his legs mangled and blown off. I tried my best to keep him conscious and stop the blood flow until the medics came, but he kept slipping in and out of consciousness, and a lot of his blood got on my uniform while he was in my arms. I did everything I could do to help him. He died a few hours later in surgery from catastrophic blood loss. I feel so bad I couldn't help him anymore, and I feel responsible in a way too because I didn't even see the mine or anything, and I was looking the other way. All I heard was the explosion. I thought it was the Taliban firing on us. I can't stop thinking about that day now. Ever since then I haven't been right.

I have barely been able to sleep anymore. I just lay there in bed staring at the ceiling, or sometimes I'll lay there listening to my iPod hoping it will put me to sleep. I can barely keep my eyes open during the day. I'll be at PT or the gym or the chow hall or something and I can barely see straight. Then its back to my room and I repeat laying in bed all night awake again.

I went to a doctor here on base and he just gave me some sleeping pill called Visteril. It helped me sleep, but now I'm scared to take it because everytime I do I keep getting really bad nightmares. One night I got one so bad that while I was half asleep still I somehow grabbed a pencil that was on my nightstand and stabbed myself right through my boxers I was wearing in bed and came within inches of hitting a major artery in my leg. Another night I woke up screaming and crying and I was soaked in sweat. Sometimes I'll just start breaking down crying and I can't help it.

I went back to the doctor down here on base, and I told him all this. I asked him if I could have PTSD, and he said no, that its all in my mind and to keep taking the Visteril. He told me only people who get shot can get PTSD, which I really don't understand. The other week I went back up home to Billings on leave to see my mom and dad for the first time in over a year, and I told my dad all this for the first time. It was the first I've ever broke down crying in front of my dad. I think he somewhat understood since he was in the Persian Gulf War. I really felt humiliated crying in front of my dad like that. But he told me everything will be ok, because I have the love and support of my family and the Corps, and that I will get through this. But I feel like I'm getting worse.

All the doctors down here at Pendleton seem like they don't care and they just brush me off. I just keep not being able to sleep at night and living on Monster and Amp energy drinks during the day and crying all the time. I'm kind of afraid to talk to my CO or anyone else in my unit about this too because I'm so scared of what they will think about me. I'm scared if I do that I'm going to be kicked out of the Corps because of this.

I know there are things and people to help me with this, but it just seems ike nobody here at my base cares, or anybody in the Marines all together. I am so scared of losing my career in the Corps over this though. I get told I don't have PTSD because I didn't get shot, so I don't know anymore. I tried to tell one of my buddies who works as a waiter back home in Billings and he just laughed at me and said I was funny, which made me feel worse. I have seen some things in Afghanistan that no one should ever have to see, and I feel so horrible about it. I'm also more than likely facing a 3rd deployment to either Iraq this time or back to Afghanistan again sometime just before Thanksgiving, and I am so scared. I am doing my best to get the help I can, but I have to go through so much red tape in the process. I just wish I could sleep normally again too.

I know I should probably talk to my CO or even my Platoon Sergeant about this, but I'm worried they might think I'm just trying to get out of my upcoming deployment. I am starting to feel like I'm not even worthy of the title Marine anymore because of this. I mean Marines are supposed to be the tough guys of the Service. We aren't supposed to cry like I keep doing lately.

I know this is really long, but I thought it might help me if I got it off my chest.

Thanls, Austin.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Welcome to the forum....I am so sorry that you had to witness what you did, and even more sorry that you are suffering from it now. I wanted to thank you for your service to our country, you and all the other man and women...Thank You!!!

I have heard many times the our government still lacks in diagnosis, or even acknowledging sometimes of PTSD's existent and that many of our men and women are coming home with it. If I am remembering correctly the rates of suicide among our troops is the highest it has ever been, and all do to most likely PTSD and depression from going through war and it's atrocities ..... I think it all boils down to the almighty dollar again. If you can't seem to get any help on base, is there a way that you can make an appointment off base with someone else? If not then PLEASE just keep after these asses, keep going back to your Dr on base, keep telling them of the issues that you are experiencing......You *may* very well have PTSD, or PTS, BUT a diagnosis is important. PTS can be overcome in time, but PTSD is life long.. You just need to know one way or the other, because trreated earlier, the better things will be....

 

[Tinyflame]

Welcome MontanaDevilDog24,

I am so sorry you lost your good buddy.
I know it may not feel like much consolation, but I bet you he was very thankful he was in your arms.

I cannot tell you what is in your best interests to do, but I do know that if you do not face it there will come a time it will likely come back with a vengeance.
I agree with She Cat, the sooner you are able to get legitimate help, the more positive and manageable the outcome, because you are experiencing an absolutely normal reaction to an abnormal stressor, there is nothing 'abnormal' about you, only overwhelming in what you have suffered and are suffering.

You have lots of support here, it is a very brave step to say all that you have and I really admire your courage and honesty.
I think you were very wise to find this forum and reveal some of these details.

Hang in there and peace to you and know that 'we' are pulling for you.

 

[Inouk]

Hi MontanaDevilDog24,

First: You were very courageous in applying and providing your buddy with, not only emergency first aid, but also being there and holding him throughout. In the civilian world, many would have run away. You did what a man of honor and brother does. It speaks a lot about who you are. Please do not forget that and drop the guilt.

Second: It is not because a name is prefixed with Doctor that the person is brillant. In 2010, for an army-based doc to say you need to be shot at to develop PTS or PTSD (a life-long illness of the brain and soul) is either a perfect ignorant imbecile or lying through his teeth. I suspect he is lying to cover his butt. Only specialized psychiatrists (and on dot psychologists) can diagnosed PTS or PTSD through specific standard tests. The army steers away from this. I know for they (the Canadian Army Force) did the same thing to my partner who suffers from severe and chronic PTSD. It was diagnosed in 2002 after 22 years of living with this illness.

Third: Your reaction is, as mentioned by Junebug, normal to a horrific abnormal event. And for one of your buddy back home to actually say you are funny when stating your state of mind or soul is sheer ignorance. So do not be fooled by people around you not recognizing what is happening or not believing you. Trust yourself and push as hard as you can for the support you need right now. I agree with She Cat. Please re-read her post.

Fourth: I am not in the Army or Marines and therefore I am not in a position to advise you on telling or not telling. But before you do tell, should it be your decision, may I suggest you either (or your dad-you said family would help through) consult both the ADA (American with Disabilities Act) website and or call the Equal Opportunity Employment Commission to ask questions on how to approach this, if you need to declare your PTSD (from a knowledgeable doc off-base) and the kind of legal «protection» against potential discrimination you could have. I understand that PTSD is covered under the ADA as long as you have an official diagnosis from your health care provider (which would be off-base).

Finally: This being said, my partner was able to complete 21 years of full time service in the Canadian Forces while having severe PTSD and being ill-medicated. How did he do it? His career, being his number one priority, he quickly recognized the stressers and minimized them as much as possible. He found stress relievers in kick boxing and music (he is also a musician). Although food had no taste for him or sun not being warm anymore (these are PTSD symptoms), he ate healthy to remain healthy. His logic and willpower helped him stir away from destructive behavior (alcohol or drug abuse). He had his ups and down and managing his PTSD was an everyday goal. Still is today even if he is well medicated. And it is OK.

MontanaDevilDog24: Stay in touch. You have come to the right place here. This is the only worldwide forum + site that exists at this time on this topic. Read the threads. Read the articles. You will recognize many of your buddies from the US are in the same situation. People here will support you. Do not drop out. And push for the help you so much need right now. It will not be easy and you will need to be commmitted to get where you want.

I wish you all the best one step at a time. And I give you a big hug buddy. Inouk :-)

 

[dhawkins78412]

Hi-I retired from the army and have PTSD. It sounds to me like you have PTSD. Sometimes the mental health professionals aren't very professional. I'd say screw them. Would be nice to get an official diagnosis though so you know exactly what it is you have. Something I learned from group long ago: to get out of it you have to go thru it. Don't be afraid of your nightmares. They're a part of you now. I think the biggest problem we make is being afraid of ourselves instead of accepting ourselves. I have insomnia and have to take meds to fall asleep. I'd say try the site for a while. I throughly enjoy seeing what others are going thru and how they are coping with the Ptsd. It helps you feel you're not alone.

 

[MontanaDevilDog24]

Well, I kinda had a busy day yesterday. I finally got the nerve to speak with my CO first thing yesterday morning and made him aware of everything that's been going on lately in regards to how I've been feeling since I got back. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, he sat down with me one on one and literally listened intensely to every single word I was saying to him as if he was engrossed in a movie or something. He did sort of get strict on me for a moment for not seeking help sooner. But he told me that being scared of coming forward is absolutely normal, but that I've taken the first step by making him aware of this. He told me that the Corps is going to take care of me and that I am in good hands. I just wish I would have seen him sooner.

Afterwards I went to the Mental Health Unit at the Naval Hospital here on Pendleton. This was hard for me though. I had to wait awhile, but I eventually saw a Navy LtCmdr Doctor and I told her as much as I could, and I told her how hard it was to even tell her. She was really nice and said my first problem was the Visteril sleeping pills I was prescribed. She said that if I'm getting bad nightmares from them, its time to stop them. She has given me a new pill she said the military is now using called Ambien. She essentially ordered me to lay off the Energy Drinks immediately as well. The LtCdr also referred me to have a PTSD Eval done, as well as getting into the Wounded Warrior Battalion, and she's gonna speak to my CO about it too. My PTSD Eval is Monday at 0945. As soon as that is done I have to go back to see the Dr I saw yesterday and get approval for the WW Bn. I took the first Ambien when I got home from the base last night and I'm already feeling calmer and a little more relaxed but I know I've still got a long road ahead of me still. I'm still really nervous & scared about my Eval on Monday. Gonna try my best to not worry about it til then though.

Well, me and the girlfriend are off to bed, we're taking a drive up to LA for the day today for some fun for once Oh and I had no nightmares last night, but there are always other nights though still.
Take care guys and thanks.
--- Austin

 

[Inouk]

Good for you Austin. Thank you as well for keeping us in the loop. Your post will help others who are in the same situation and wandering what to do next. Have a lovely time in LA and keep posting.

Kindest regards, Inouk:-0)

 

[PainX2]

Welcome Austin. I am married to a (newly) retired member of the Canadian Armed Forces. He was forced to retire after being diagnosed with severe combat PTSD. He was in the army for 16 years and 4 tours before he sought out help. I'm glad to see you're seeking the help right away. This site has been a wealth of information and support for me. I hope it will be for you as well. As my T says to me, "be gentle with yourself". I know its easier said that done for most of us because pride and denial keep us from admitting we can't do it on our own but asking for the help is the first step. Good Luck.

 

[MontanaDevilDog24]

Hey guys, I have my first PTSD eval tomorrow morning at 0945 at the PTSD intake at the Camp Pendleton hospital. I have to admit I'm nervous as all Hell about it, but hoping it will help. The new medication, Ambien, that the Dr gave me, isn't working too well. I mean it's only been less than two days since I started it and it helped me relax and sleep somewhat, but I'm still getting nightmares. My girlfriend is saying that I was talking in my sleep last night as well and that I kept tossing and turning in bed. I'm hoping this doesn't stay like this forever. Anyway, just wondering if anyone knows how these Evals normally go? I mean is it just someone asking me a bunch of questions, or just random testing of some kind? I might be admitted to the Wounded Warrior Bn depending on how these evals go. I guess I just have to wait and see how things will go tomorrow. I just hope they don't think I'm crazy when I go tomorrow. Well I should try and get some sleep I guess. Night Everyone.
--Austin

 

[Pakadlangitok]

My brother was in the US Army. While he never had PTSD, one of his friends did. Getting help was also hard for him. I think they have come a long way, though. There is more funding,e tc.

Military PTSD is explained with such beauty and compassion in "Achilles In Vietnam" and "Odyssey in America" both by Jonathan Shay, a man who worked with Vets for more than 20 years. His books helped me to understand my own PTSD and helped my boyfriend as well.

He also lists resources etc. It may help you if you get road blocked. The Army does seem to try to reduce numbers of PTSD by simply not dxing it in the first place.

I wish you well! Let us know how it goes.

 

[MontanaDevilDog24]

I know I should probably put this in a new thread now, but eh, whatever.

Anyway, I've went for my first PTSD Eval the other day, and honestly, it was kind of horrific for me in a way. The guy kept asking me question after question about the way I've been feeling lately, and why I personally think I've been feeling this way. Then he had me describe in nauseating detail some of the worst things that I've seen over in Afghanistan. It was horrific for me seeing that s*** up front in person, let alone having to describe them to a guy I had never met before in my life. Then, to make things worse, I just lost it and broke down in tears when I started describing what happened on my last deployment in regards to my buddy's death. He wants me to come back for a "written eval" session this Tuesday (08-24) at 1015, before he forwards everything on and reviews it all before the PTSD diagnosis is made officially and before a decision can be made on the WW Bn.

Then, to make things worse, the Ambien is helping me sleep better, but I am still getting horrific nightmares, and they are just getting worse. My girlfriend keeps telling me that I'm constantly talking in my sleep and that I am tossing and turning so much that I'm nearly falling off the bed. The other night I woke up all of a sudden screaming and crying. My girlfriend just grabbed me and held me in her arms saying everything was going to be ok, but its just getting worse. We are thinking that we may have to set up a video camera and start recording me in bed now, to have some kind of visual evidence of this. I'm just hoping this appointment on Tuesday is the last one. Well enough of my babble now, hope everyone has a better than weekend than me, I got "volunteered" to pull extra weekend duty here on Pendleton tomorrow and Sunday. How exciting....
---Austin

 

[Inouk]

Keep posting Austin. You are safe here. Based on my severe PTSD partner, Ambien is not the only answer to PTSD. Keep pushing for the support you deserve. It is hard isn't it?! Hang in there. You are brave and a man of honnor. Do not forget that.

Hugs 000, Inouk.