Just Heard Some News About One Of My Abusers And Don't Know What To Think.

[FindingMyself88]

Ok so this is really not what I needed to hear tonight, before my therapy session tomorrow. Me and my T have post-poned EMDR for about 2 weeks due to both of us not feeling I was ready yet to start on this trauma and just needing to talk through some things that I am remembering. It has been a good two weeks, difficult but good. I have opened up to her about things I have never told anyone, such as the details of my abuse.

Tuesday though we both felt that tomorrow would be a good day to start the bilateral stimulation. The trauma we are targeting is one of my sexual abuse situations dealing with one of my male cousins on my mom's side. Well what do you know, I get a call from his sister tonight saying he is in really bad shape and in the hospital and going to have surgery tomorrow that has a very good chance of him ending up on a ventilator.

I don't really know how I got through the conversation. I didn't fully dissociate because I remember what was said and how I responded, but I know I detached in some way to get through it. Part of me wanted to scream "Do you THINK I care? He deserves to be in pain!" Then I immediately felt guilty. I mean his life could be on the line.

My T has been trying to tell me there is a difference in healing from a trauma, and having anything to do with that person again. She was helping me to understand that it is okay for me to never want anything to do with him again. It is hard because I am close to my cousin and also his daughter. Up until this past year, he didn't have custody of his daughter due to doing drugs and such when she was born. But when his mom died, he proved he got his life right and got her back. She was molested by her mom and stepdad. She says her dad never did, but I don't know if I can believe that. I mean he attacked me 3 different times! He also was accused of attacking other girls.

Thankfully I have the excuse of living over 4 hours away from where he is at to keep from going to see him. Part of me would like to be there for his sister, but I just can't. It also bothers me that everyone just acts like nothing happened. They knew he touched me inappropriately because I told, but they didn't believe me because my Uncle was in the other room and would've known! I didn't even tell them the half of what he did. Even my mom who believed (or so she said) doesn't understand why he bothers me so much. She thinks because I am able to tolerate a relationship with my dad I should be able to with my cousin as well.

I just don't know what to think :( and I don't know if I will be able to do EMDR tomorrow with all this weighing on me and the target having suppose to be about what he has done to me… I guess I just need some encouragement and people who understand why this bothers me..

 

[Justmehere]

:hug: I'm so sorry for what you went through and how this came up too. This would be really tough for me too.

If you are not ready to do EMDR because this has come up, I would not see it as a setback at all. Talking through this would be a good step towards your overall goal of healing.

 

[scout86]

I'm afraid I'd be on my way to the hospital, looking for a chance to unplug the ventilator.

You feel about him the way you really do, there's nothing wrong with that, what ever it is. While you're working all this through, I would think it's natural that your feelings are all over the board. Maybe it's nature, no matter what. I'll second what @Justmehere said. Bring the situation up today, before you start the next round of EMDR. Your T ought to know what's going on and then the 2 of you can decide how best to proceed.

 

[FindingMyself88]

Thank you @Justmehere and @scout86 for the support. Part of me doesn't want to bring it up because I'm ready to start on emdr and I know if I do, we will spend a good bit of the session talking about it and end up not starting today. Then next week she could only get me in on Tuesday, so I know we wouldn't start then due to no follow up that week. But then again, I know my feelings are all over the place and I don't want this to mess up the processing. I feel like everything is against my healing!

I don't like having such anger against someone. Anger is a "bad" emotion for me because of the violence I saw and experienced growing up. My T is trying to help me understand that what I experienced was rage and dysfunction in the disguise of anger. But anger is still a huge trigger for me. I literally was just as much triggered last night from my own thoughts as I was hearing about him..

((and off note, in my first post when I said I am very close to my cousin and his daughter, I meant my cousin - his sister - and then yes his daughter. I try to avoid him at all costs))

 

[Go Hungry]

I think you have the right to feel conflicted about this. The fact that you want to be there for his sister only compounds it. But don't be afraid to be angry about all this. I have troubles too, because I often feel like I don't have a right to be angry about things. It's a real pain in the ass. I'm afraid that in the same situation you describe, I would also wish to state my beliefs (that's a really nice way of saying it) that he deserved to be in pain. And really with a couple of my abusers, I would do a little dance about it. :mask:

I would say you should definitely tell your therapist about all this. Because if you start in on EMDR then it might start blowing up right then and there, only she would have no idea what you're talking about. Not a good situation. It sucks that this might end up delaying EMDR for you, but it's important.

I think one of the hardest things about abuse is how people minimize it. As if, since it didn't happen to them; then it doesn't matter. Especially if it happened in the distant past. The past for them maybe, but to the victim it might as well have been yesterday. I think alot of it is just because they don't want to see the ugliness of it. :hug:

 

[FindingMyself88]

Thank you @Go Hungry for the support. Your first sentence really helped me a lot!

So I just got out of a 2 1/2 hour session with my T in which I did tell her about the phone call. I either forgot or she forgot to tell me that she had set aside 2 hours for our EMDR session today. She then had a cancellation and so we went over. I did end up telling her about the phone call and I am glad I did. She said some of the thoughts that I had felt ashamed to say or think myself. Her first statement was "Well this is a soul issue and he is getting the pain he deserves!" She believes firmly in karma. While I was shocked to hear her be so blunt about it, I felt deep deep validation from it.

She asked if I felt up to processing the trauma with emdr, that it was up to me. I told her I wanted to, but was afraid. She told me that she was right there beside me and that processing it might actually help with dealing with anything that might evolve over the weekend concerning my cousin's health. So I said I trusted her and we went for 2 hours straight, with breaks as needed of course. We didn't get as far with this one has we did the first trauma we targeted, but she said that was to be expected due to the complexity of this one and all the years that are attached with it.

We did some grounding skills and a container exercise. She then asked me to text my mom and tell my mom that I would not be answering any calls from my cousin, that she would need to be the one communicating with her about her brother. She said she isn't normally so pushy, but she really feels like for my safety and healing, I need to set this boundary and allow my mom to deal with it. She even said I could tell my mom that she told me to do it.

Once I left her office, I realized just how exhausted I was from the emdr. I am curled up on the bed now with Bristol next to me. I think I am going to take a nap. So far my cousin has not called, so maybe no news is good news for him. Even with everything he did to me and with the anger that came up in the session, I still don't wish death on him..