Just Joking

[Dynamic]

I’m always sure to say “mucho” around my Spanish speaking friends

Why?

Because it means a lot to them

 

[Tinyflame]

Every year a man and his wife go to the local Fair, and the husband wants to go on the helicopter ride for 50$. His wife always says, "No! 50$ is 50$!". This goes on for years and years. One year, the helicopter pilot overhears them and says, "I will take you both for free, but you cannot talk. If you say anything or speak up I will charge you 50$". The husband is especially elated. They agree. The chopper pilot proceeds to do every daredevil move he can. Eventually he lands, astonished at the silence. He says to the husband, "How could you people be so quiet??!" The husband says, "Well with that last maneuver when Ethel fell out I almost shouted out, but you know 50$ is 50$!"

 

[Rose White]

I stand up straight in my bed, I’m hairy at my base, and I make the ladies cry—what am I?
I am an onion

 

[Tinyflame]

St Peter is at the Pearly Gates, pretty bored. He has a usual line up of people. He says, "Tell you what, if you can tell me an amazing story of how you died, you're in".

The first guy says, "I saw a guy climbing up my balcony, I panicked and got a hammer and hit his hands. He fell below but was still alive. In my adrenaline I picked up my fridge and threw it over the balcony on him, but the exertion gave me a heart attack". St Peter says, "Wow, that's some story. Come right in!"

The second guy in line says 'I was working out on my balcony, but a bunch of birds attacked me. I lost my balance, but was able to grab the railing below. But then some guy smashed my fingers with a hammer, and next thing I knew something landed on me after I hit the ground". St Peter says, "Well come right in!"

The third guy says, "Wait til you hear my story! I was hiding in a guy's fridge.."

 

[Freddyt]

This one is true,

A Mountie (Royal Canadian Mounted Police), very near the end of his shift (in northern Ontario where the roads are strait for many miles at a stretch) see's a motorcycle scream past, speeding, and decides to give chase.

Miles later the motorcyclist figures the Mountie isn't giving up and he has a radio so he finally pulls over.

When the Mountie gets to the guy he says "If you give me a good enough excuse - I will let you go with a warning."

The guy says

Spoiler: punchline...

My wife ran off with a Mountie last week and I thought you were trying to bring her back. And went on his way after a warning

 

[Tinyflame]

Electricians should be called Power Rangers.

 

[LuckiLee]

What does a nosy pepper do?



Gets jalapeño business.

 

[Dynamic]

I love that one @LuckiLee !

 

[Freddyt]

Q. What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?

A. It gets toad away.

Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?

A. "How do you breathe through something so small?"

Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesús is watching you." He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesús is watching you." In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesús is watching me" The parrot replied, "Yes." Relieved, the burglar asked, "What is your name?" The parrot said, "Clarence." The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot answered, "The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesús."

 

[Tinyflame]

Two criminals stole a calendar. They each got 6 months.

 

[LuckiLee]

How many beans go in a pot of chili?

239

One more and it will be too farty.

 

[user27357]

they figured out why dogs run in circles.
squares are hard