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Just Joking

A man becomes a monk and joins a monastery. They have a vow of silence but he is told every 10 years he can say 2 words. At the 10 year mark, he thinks carefully and says, "Bad food". Twenty years comes and he says, "Hard bed". At 30 years, still there, he says, "I quit". His Superior says, "I am not surprised. You've been complaining since the moment you got here."

How many drunk people does it take to change a lightbulb?
->Twenty-one. One to hold the bulb and 20 to drink until the pub spins.
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A Priest, a Minister, and a Rabbi, all good friends, take a short Vacation to a cabin in the woods. While outside, the Rabbi sees a bear and says, "Let's make a friendly bet. Whoever can convert that creature over there first has to buy the rest of us dinner at the best restaurants for a week." They all agree.

Later that day, the Priest and Minister arrive back at the cabin. The Priest says, "I read to the bear from the Catechism, and he let me sprinkle him with Holy Water!" The Minister says, "Well I read to the bear from the Bible, and he became so docile he let me Baptize him in the river!" Suddenly, 2 medics arrive with the Rabbi on a gurney, bandaged and bleeding,. The others in shock say, "What happened??!" . The Rabbi says, "In retrospect I shouldn't have started with Circumcision."
A man walks by a house with a sign: "Talking dog For Sale. Cheap". Curious, he knocks at the door. The owner says, 'Yes he's for sale, come this way. Ask him anything you want." The dog looks pretty average, but the man says, "Hello. Can you tell me about your life?". The dog says, "I used to rescue many people in the Alps in the bitter cold. Then, I was sent to work with the Military where I rescued and accompanied many wounded on the battlefield in the desert. Then, I came to America and now I visit the elderly in retirement homes".

The man, shocked says, "That is incredible!" The owner turns to him and says, "See what I mean?! These are all lies! He didn't do any of those things!"
A Collie and a Poodle are walking down the street together. The Poodle is obviously very sad. The Collie finally says, "Friend, what's wrong?" The Poodle says, "My owner is mean, my food is terrible, and to top it off my girlfriend has run off with a Schnauzer". The Collie thinks for a minute and says, "Hmm, have you thought of seeing a Psychiatrist?" The Poodle, dejected, says, "Yes. But they won't let me on the couch".