Just Joking

[enough]

a guy walks into his therapists office and sits down.”how are you today?” the therapist asks. “Well, I was feeling fine until I walked past the construction going on up the block, the workers there said I have paranoid delusions!” “You must be mistaken, why would they ever say such a thing to you?”
“Well, they didnt really SAY it, but they tapped it out in morse code with their hammers”

 

[Freddyt]

Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation for revenge. We’ll see about that.

Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.

 

[oops!]

Generally speaking, what do you get when you give the car from Dukes of Hazzard the attributes of the car from Knight Rider?

Just generally speaking.

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh took me a minute @oops!

A young man is learning how to drive, the Instructor poses him a question: "An old man and a young child are standing in the middle of the road, what do you hit?"

The young man looks pained, says, "Ummm.. the old man?" Seeing the Instructor's expression of shock- and his grey hair- he continues, "Well, I just mean- the child has his whole life ahead of him, after all!!?!"

The Instructor shrieks, "The BRAKES! YOU HIT THE BRAKES!!!"

 

[oops!]

I conducted an experiment to see if my dogs prefer creamy peanut butter or chunky.

They went for the nuts evertime.

 

[OliveJewel]

To err is human.
To arr is pirate.

 

[Freddyt]

I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around.

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

 

[LuckiLee]

Here's a question for all the mind readers out there.

 

[Freddyt]

Did you hear about the shepherd who drove his sheep through town? He was given a ticket for making a ewe turn.

If you arrest a mime, do you have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?


A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never served a weasel before. What can I get you?”

“Pop,” goes the weasel.

 

[LuckiLee]

Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful but that's how Julius Caesar.

 

[Tinyflame]

A guy gets a new car he's always wanted, thinks I'm going to have some fun and really hits the gas on the highway. Sure enough, he hears sirens and thinks, "Oh no, I'm going to really have to think of something here.." So he pulls over on the side of the road. Within a few moments the cop approaches his car, paper in hand, says, "Wow, you realize you were going 60 over the limit? This had better be good". So the guy says, "I'm so sorry Officer. You see, my wife ran off with a State Trooper, and the moment I saw those lights and heard those sirens, I panicked and hit the gas, I thought he was trying to bring her back!".

And the State Trooper tore up the ticket.

 

[Freddyt]

True story.....
A policeman, on a quiet evening near the end of his shift, parked by the side of the highway doing paperwork with the radar on. A motorcycle goes by going way too fast, He thinks about it for a second and as the highway is long and strait, he gives chase and eventually the guy on the motorcycle figures the cop has been on the radio so he slows down and pulls over.
The cop walks over and says "I'm at the end of my shift. If you have a good enough explanation I'll let you off"

Motorcyclist replys "My wife ran off with a policeman last week and I thought you were bringing her back" and he rode off with a warning......