Just Joking

[Missycat]

What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.”

How does NASA organise a party?
They planet.

My New Year’s resolution is to get in shape. I choose round.”

 

[enough]

i used to think that knee replacement was for sissies but now i stand corrected.

 

[turrican]

When I told people I wanted to be a comedian, they laughed at me. Well, they're not laughing now.

 

[Freddyt]

Two vultures board an airplane. One of the vultures was carrying two dead raccoons, and the other vulture had two dead possums and a dead racoon. The stewardess looks at them and says "I'm sorry, the airline has a policy:
only one carrion allowed per passenger.

While walking in the desert one day, an old man told me not to eat the little aromatic shrubs.
It was sage advice.

A man entered his local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately,no pun in ten did.

 

[Defaultxlove]

wombats are pig bunny dogs

 

[Freddyt]

What's it called when all the treats are gone? A cat-astrophe.

A man walks into a bar with a cat and dog. They all sit down and the bartender says “What can I get you?” The dog looks squarely at the bartender and says I’ll take a Vodka, the guy will take a water, and the cat will take a Scotch.” The bartender, in shock, says to the dog, “This is AMAZING! You’re a dog that can talk…” The guy looks at the bartender, and says, “Don’t be fooled, the cat is a ventriloquist.”

I have a pencil once owned by Shakespeare........Thanks to the cat it’s so chewed up I can’t tell if it’s 2B or not 2B.

 

[enough]

the past, the present, and the future walked into a bar together. It was tense.

 

[Freddyt]

Did you hear about the existential crisis at Sea World? Given all the pressure they're under to release their animals, they're fearful of a porpoise-less existence...

"Day 19, I have successfully conditioned my master to smile and write in his book every time I drool." -- Pavlov's Dog

The existential dyslexic insomniac stayed up all night wondering if there really was a dog.

 

[StillPen]

"Day 19, I have successfully conditioned my master to smile and write in his book every time I drool." -- Pavlov's Dog

OMG, I laughed out loud...I have told my T so, so many times I was conditioned growing up...I'm just like Pavlov's dog.

I really need this laugh!

 

[enough]

did you hear about the ptsd sufferer that stopped using punch lines?

 

[Friday]

Dog

LOVE

 

[Freddyt]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!”, says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight, the little monkey. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.”

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

“Did you see what your monkey did now?”, he asks.

“Now what?” responds the patron.

“Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeeper.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the patron. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!”