Just Need To Vent & Don't Know A Good Subject

[Charon]

I was seeing a therapist at the VA for anxiety, depression and risk for ptsd? (more on that later), but haven't seen her for months now. God probably a year by now, I don't know. But basically at one point she just stopped scheduling appointments for me. No explanation or anything, she just stopped. So some time went by and I had a routine psychiatrist visit, so I mentioned it to her. She called my therapist, and eventually I get another appointment & it all gets explained that "she just forgot to schedule me". Okay....

Then after three or four visits, she just stops scheduling me again. No explanation, I pretty much felt like I was just getting brushed off. Is this the VA's way of saying, "hey you're cured"? or "you're not as f-ed up as these other guys who need help". I dunno.

But what really, really angers me, is that as I've gotten a better understanding on PTSD and its symptoms, as well as what I go through, I realize now that I DO have disassociative states, but due to the vague wording by this other intake therapist who evaluated me on some questionairre for PTSD, when he asked if I had flashbacks I said "no". So in the end he said I was a "bubble guy" (yes that's what he called me) I was "on the bubble" of having PTSD. I didn't really understand what flashbacks were exactly.

Basically he explained it as like being transported to some other place and time and you're completely unaware of what's happening around you. But I am aware of what's around me when I flip out and find myself frozen in place, hyperventilating, with nothing in my head but all the crap I saw in the morgue, really one specific thing, just played over and over and over. But I mean, if someone turned on the stereo or shook me or whatever, or spoke, I would "know" what was going on.

I don't know. I don't feel like I even know what I'm talking about anymore. I hate going outside (bad things always happen) and my meds don't really seem to be doing the trick anymore since I'm having more and more mood swings. I see or hear the dumbest shit and just start sobbing, and then over-react and fly into a rage like a child. WTF.

I just feel exhausted and doubting of myself and of any help I can get or should get.

Sorry for the long post, I just don't have anyone to talk to.

 

[willis williams]

Charon
We are here. The VA has a high level of turn overs so they over schedule the dr.'s and tharepist. I have had 5 different psyciatrist since 98. The tharepist seem to use the VA as a starting point if people will sign a 2 yr. contract they can get some of their schooling paid for and then they leave. I had psyciatrist tell me they were leaving because of guidlines that the VA has for diagnosing their patience like writing down you suffer from anxioty and depression instead of PTSD.

The other classic is that almost everyone I know with PTSD is also bi-polar the symtems are close but not all the same. They do this so it is harder to make a claim. One dr. said there was no way I was bi-polar and he was the shrink I seen the longest. The anxioty depression diagnosis dr. said go file a claim for ptsd but when I got copies of my medical records it said anxioty depression.

Don't give up you just have to play their game go to the patient advocate at you VA and take what ever you got to show the incompitense of your tharepist if you want to double down the hospital administrator the head cheese has an open door policy and do it on the same day back to back with the advocate first and don't say you are going to the administrator and head there right after then they can't drop the ball.

Most states get federal grants and the state gives those to private counciling centers for vetran counciling doesn't cost a dime for you if your state has this. You can also request a new tharipist at the VA and they have to give you one if they have one that is not already booked out with patience.

Another way is just have a brakedown go to triage and say you can't take it anymore you just want it to end and so on. If you are working civi there is FMLA to protect you and they don't have to knowanything about why you were off because if you go in there go in ther all destrot they have to put you in the hospital they always call it to adjust your meds. If you go this route you will get a lot of therapy and classes while you are in and when you get out from the one to two week vacation they take your illness more seriously.

I took 3 differant written PTSD some national standard, mississippi, and one I can't remember they take for ever and ask the same question over and over. The national 98% + ptsd, miss 78% + ptsd, the forgotten name one 89% +ptsd they didn't even believe there own test and there is no way to cheat expecially the national it is graded by a computer that is set up by the goverment or the board of psyciatry.

So 5 VA psyciatrists, 1 psycologist dr. non VA, a few therapist VA and non VA, the private QTC psyciatrist independant exame for the VA, and three tests that I past with flying colors. The VA still wants release of information for to shrinks that are retired and use to take lot of written notes that I have copies of and you can read one or two words out of fifty.

The hospital thing worked for me but I was really f*ck up the meds I was on gave the reverse effect. But since I was in for 5 weeks I got to know a lot of people and i watched how it worked. If anything was rong tooht hurting, back crook.and mental health they jump through hoop to make you happy. The only reason that they work so hard to make us happy in there is because combat vets with PTSD have the highest rate of suicide completion. I wish that part wasn't true but if I ever took that route at least I would be good at it.
TEX

 

[Ladyhope Somerset]

Hi Charon and welcome Link Removed

Don't give up. It sounds like you are beginning to understand your symptoms could be PTSD, don't underestimate their significance. Learning the terminology is something you'll get used to. In my experience a lot of people don't like owning up to symptoms and difficulties because they don't understand them. So many Veterans slip through the net, please don't give up. Keep banging on the therapists/doctors doors.

You'll find good guys around this site who will offer support when they can.

 

[Jimmy1]

Hey Charon, you have not been on here for a while either. The site is quite active now. Welcome back mate, hope you feel better soon.

Jimmy

 

[willis williams]

Just venting! I get the final test for wilson's disease tomorrow I don't know if I want to know? The treatment makes the nueropsyciatric symtoms worse and if I don't have it then I have permanent tardica disconiesa from the meds that treat my PTSD. Fighting for my country is like the gift that keeps on giving. I lost everything to a woman who needed to decide if she likes me after thirteen yrs. I was gone a lot so she never realy got to know me except when we were first maried and we faught all the time the. With that loss went everything I worked for but I treated her real bad so I guess I understand. I lost the only realy good job I ever had it had benifits and good pay close enough to my boys so I can see them. I lost my reputation in the town I am stuck in for right now, to most I just a coo coo. The stay in the hospital completly bankrupted me the rest of the way that the devorce didn't get. They are talking about back pay and all these good things but I'm Seven days late on my rent. If I don't have wilson's and it is the tardica than serving my country has put one more nail in the coffen. I shake like I have parkinsons have no fine motor skill and I used to carry two of the highest certifacations for structual welding I was structual unlimited nationaly I was a top notch precision millwright doing laser alignment and machine setup all over the US. Now I can't even put my pills in the devider without spilling or dropping them in the wrong spot imagine trying to instal a small encoader with tiny 8mm socket headed cap screws. I know I am whinning but because of the new meds that replaced the one that hospitalized I take six in its place one is an anti seizor med that I'm at the top of the dose just to stop shaking. My liver is getting larger do to meds way larger even when I quit drinking it was still close to normal size but not now. Oh and if I have wilsons and don't take the treatment my liver and kidneys could fail. If I do take the treatment it will make me shake worse cause my depression to worsen who knows maybe bad enough that I will end it. Then my family will suffer and I don't want that. It just really is the gift that keeps on giving. The only good thing is if I choose not to take the treatment at least I know what is going to kill me just don't know how liver failure would be. If it is the tardica then I get to shake for the rest of my life knowing that it was the VA that did this to me cause I went to the triage three times in the month prior to going into the hospital saying there is something wrong and they would give me another pill even when I went in puking blood they said it was anxioty and stress cause my blood pressure was really high they just gave me some stomach pills and sent me home. I went into a really bad depression didn't bath for a more than a month didn't leave the house slept basically day and night. When taken back to hospital blood pressure 176 over 116 heart rate I think was 115 atrest the left side of my face and left arm were numb like no blood they said I was on the verge of a mini stroke. It took them two weeks just to get my heart rate to 105 taking about every two hours. Now my heart still won't go back to normal without meds and my blood pressure is still high on meds but safe enough. Its nice I get to have a never ending head ache and hear my heart beat in my head when I want to sleep. My memory is so bad I can't even remember even one of my siblings b-day I even have a problem remembering what year my children were born. Trying to do the simpleist things I go to seperate my meds and mix up morning and night and I do them every day. I just really need to go somewhere warm and nothing to do but be a veggie for a couple of months but because of children I can't. Just useing this as a spot to get shit off my chest don't want to worry the misses. Yep I wish if serving my country was going to kill me it would have done it over there at least my mom would of got a flag now she just has a kid who can't even be in the same room with her without drinking or wanting to, cause I just ain't strong enough to deal with her shit. One other thing is I may have a shot at a job at walmart as a paint shaker or even better a human vibrator. I was trying to hide this in here but if you read it sorry for the leght and the whinning. TEX

 

[sisu]

Tex...it is SHIT and I want to scream!! that you guys give your all for your country and come back like this. I hear it in you and I see it in my BF. It makes me so angry, and maybe that is why I put up with this shit too. I have compassion....no, I do not feel pity or feel sorry....but compassion. It's different. It's more like I am here, I support you and I want you to feel and be the best you can for you and for your kids and for me. I will help you, but you have to want the help and you have to participate in helping yourself.

I woke up angry today about all of this...and then reading your side of things and what you are going through. This all SUCKS!!!! Why can't they just find a cure for ptsd...a pill or even a brain surgery. Something, anything...so you could live a normal life and the ones that love you can live a normal life.

Sorry Tex....I hope I didn't offend....just feeling angry myself today about all of this..... Hugs to you!

 

[willis williams]

No you didn't offend me just checking in on this before the drive it 90 mi. to the hosp. I hate the drive and this one will suck evern worse. Cheer up it is an all volunteer military and I wouldn't change it. I would change the fight that I was in thow still can't figure out why we were there. But the best thing that you can do is to have a good day for those of use that can't. TEX

 

[Jimmy1]

There is a two cures for PTSD at the moment. Alzheimers and death. lmao

 

[willis williams]

Turns out the test I waited to get doesn't diagnose shit I waisted a good 6 hrs today to find out it is just a tool in the diagnosis. Waited for almost two months to get nowhere and there isn't another apointment schedualed yet to get on with the diagnoses. I guess I may have to leave the VA to find out. It isn't the idea of the disease but the waiting to find out so I just don't have to live with the stress and get on with living or dieing. I think the worst part is for the ones that care about me cause I reckin if something is going to get me lets get it over with there more worried about quantity of life so I can be around I guess to make them happy. I'm into quality and right now my life ain't got much. Oh well just what ever it is, good or bad I just want to get on with it. TEX

 

[sisu]

Maybe you will get Alzheimers instead. Jimmy said its one of the two cures for ptsd....you won't have any idea how shitty you feel... LOL

(I am just kidding Tex!)

 

[willis williams]

That would be nice about right now! Then I could forget everything and I got a real good pact with some coloful friends so I wouldn't have to forget to long. I will make it through this I have to I got children that need raising and no matter what shape or pain I will do my best to be there for them. When I got sick from the meds and before I went in the hospital the only thing that kept me from ending it was my baby Trystin (frog). I new my older boys wouldn't be around and I was afraid that he would be there we my shell would be found. After I got straight I promised him I would never get that way again. I stopped by walmart and it turns out I can't get that job damn mechines taking jobs away from shaky people. TEX

 

[Jimmy1]

Hey Tex, I had a similar experience. There is a little girl called Rose. She is 6 this year.
To cut to the chase, I thought she was mine, I even have a birth certificate with me as the father, alas, that is one of the reasons why we are still not together.
Anyway, when I was real sick, no one could get through to me. I did not care about the other children, I knew they would be looked after, but little Rose was an angel.
I would be laying on the mattress on the floor in a real dark place and Rose used to come up and lay on my stomach and stare into my eyes. You see, children are so innocent at that age. She used to call me Dad and would smile all the time. I still speak to her today. She lives over 1400 km away.
I think children between the age of 2 and 6 are therapeutic for people like us. Then they go to school and turn into rude little f*ckers and have no respect. Just rambling