Just Over A Week Till The First Appointment

[Fargo1]

That was exactly the reason that I decided to ditch the VA and find pay for my own therapy. I was thinking and continue to think that going once a week or every two weeks is not enough. At least in the beginning.

My therapist had me going three days a week for the first month, then we dialed down to two days a week and have been there for the last two months. She says that soon she wants to dial it back to once a week then work our way down to ideally down to nothing...we shall see. The drawback is that the first month was a bitter monentary pill to take. My god it was expensive (even with my therapist giving me 1/2 rate!) But at least something is happening.

Anyway, good luck man. I hope your experience is better than mine.

 

[BV101]

Zipper, I go once a week and for the first months I thought I was going nowhere. its only been in like the first 3 or 4 meet ups that I've managed to keep anything in any kind of order. Normally its "what i see as a mindless skip through the bluebells".
I think you have some good reasons to be fecked off with the whole medical establishment, having read your posts thats an understatement, but you have to trust your mental. There is a method to what they do I am sure. And you have a lot to work through, so maybe keep ploughing on for a bit. See where it gets you. Keep us updated though comrade!

 

[Zipperhead]

I got a letter from the DVA today. I have been accepted to the rehab program, and they sent me a little check for some of my physical injuries. Most importantly they aknowledged that I'm undergoing treatmant for PTSD issues and they have offered further support if required. It's strange how everything is happening at once now. May and June were not fun at all. July was alittle bit better. Now August seems to be offering a little ray of hope. Maybe I will make it. We'll see.

Al

 

[Zipperhead]

So 6 days to the next appt. I'm getting anxious again. Funny what a differance one day can make. Yesterday all was right in the world. Today I'm back to what if's. My case manager was too busy to talk to me today about the paperwork that came with the letter from the DVA. It's pretty straight forward, but I do have some questions about the programs they are talking about, and some of the questions on the questionair that came with it are right out to lunch. I hate paperwork to begin with (I would never have made it as a clerk, give me a tank any day) and this form seems to ask questions that have no logical answer.

The theropist at the OSI clinic wants to meet with my wife and have some joint and one on one sesions with her. I'm not sure I'm ready for that. Through out my denial I have blamed allot of my crap on my wife. She's still here. She's stubborn if nothing else. Now that I'm trying to put myself back together I'm not sure if I'm ready to tackle the grave I've been digging over there yet. It seems that the problems are so far gone that it would take all my effort just to deal with that. I guess it's a little bit gready to want to sort myself out first and make her wait, but being able to put some of the blame on her is helping me right now. Wow, does that ever sound wrong.

When the bullets were flying, I never hesitated to get the job done. Some of the soldiers that served with me have payed me the ultimate compliment, stating that they would serve under me again. I never regretted a single round I sent down range. And yet in the 10 minutes I've been writing this, I've forgotten to breathe twice and my chest feels like a horse is sitting on it. No wonder people want to go back. I was normal over there. No ones trying to kill me here and I'm scared shitless. I need my stress release button back. That 105mm had a way of calming everything down.

Al

 

[deborah l. boylan]

Morning Zipperhead! Believe me when I tell you that we here get "it". I'd go back to Iraq in a heartbeat if they asked me too. The good news is that you've started your journey to better understanding what is happening to you. When you are in a bad place and you've got so many feelings running around unchecked inside of you, you tend to strike out at the easiest target, which is usually your spouse. Therapy is hard sometimes but it can also be cathartic and maybe her sessions will give her some understanding of what you need when the beast is riding you hard. Just something to think about. In the end, its your call and only you can decide what you are comfortable with right now.

That's just my two cents worth. Take care of yourself and remember, we're here for you. Hang in there.

Deb

 

[Zipperhead]

My appointments for Monday. It's been a confusing week. The DVA gave me a bunch of money, but sent me a bunch of paper work. Questionaires are not good. I can do yes or no. I can't do "how do you feel about". I have told them as much, but still here is this questionaire. I filled it out, but haven't sent it off. Will they stop my treatments if I don't do the paper work? Is it any of the paper pushers business how I feel? One of the things I qualify for is an income supliment. It's suppose to bring me up to 75% of what I was getting as a Sgt before release. It's worth allot of cash to me right now, and still the form sits in an envelope in the front seat of my car. Maybe that's why they sent it. I told them I didn't like paper work. If I don't send it back then they can write me off. Is parinoia a common side efffect? Or is my mistrust well founded in the experiences I've had so far? Screw them. I'm not doin the paper work. I'll tell the therapist that I got it and ask what to do. She knows I don't do paper work with out anxiety attacks. Maybe she'll call off the hounds.

Al

 

[Charon]

I feel you on the paperwork issue brother, I do. I'm awful with the stuff in all walks of life, not just medically related. I know it sucks to do it but try and get the stuff done that will help with cash. If you can sit down and do it with someone you trust (easier said than done, I know) but having that income will not only help you but your family as well, maybe a social worker can help.

I don't think anyone here thinks anything is wrong with being distrustful. Sounds like you've really gotten jerked around. Will they stop your treatments if you don't do and the paperwork? It depends on the paperwork. I know with the VA every year they make you take this means test where you have to report your income. For the life of me I don't have the first clue how to fill that form out. I usually put it off for months till I pass the buck to a family member, but at a certain point the VA can deny you service for not filling that one out.

It sounds dumb, but talking about and writing about what happened does help. When I first got back from Iraq just the thought of some of the things that I saw would trip something, but you can't just keep it in. I'm not saying you have to tell it to the whole world (though there are people who do that and write books) but keeping it all to yourself can sometimes feel like you have a pile of rocks on top of you and that you're all by yourself. I'll be honest, 99% of civilians probably won't get what you saw/did, but some will and we all certainly will. You've got a lot of courage to go into therapy (there are guys who don't for years and years, even as far back as WWII) and I hope you keep it up.

 

[Zipperhead]

Well, the third appointment is almost here. Tommorow afternoon. I guess this thread is a little long in tooth now. Appointment #3. Will it start tommorow? Is she going to start pushing? I'm not bringing my wife in. I couldn't handle if I heard her telling her mother about my "little problem." She tells her mom everything else. I have little dignaty left as it is. What away to end a career. 7 Medals and and a chest full of humiliation. Will tommorow help?

 

[Zipperhead]

I'm alive. I'm home. I'm tired. I think I'll close this thread now if the admins don't mind?

Al