Sufferer Just trying to make it out alive. living with abusers. ptsd + hfa

[DanielAC]

Hi I'm Daniel

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I grew up in/am stuck in an abusive home and won't be able to leave til a little less than a year and a half from now. Because of my upbringing I have ptsd. Honestly, I don't know how to function.

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I feel like I'm constantly burdening the people around me by being depressed/ suicidal. My autism already had me bad with loud noises and people whose emotions I don't understand, but my ptsd just makes everything worse. I'm terrified of people who look like my parents, I hallucinate my mother stalking me in stores. If somebody looks anything other than happy around me, I panic because I already don't know what emotion theyre feeling. I'm terrified somebody is going to hurt me. Somebody touched my shoulder today at work and I stopped being able to speak.

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Thats another thing? I stutter? A lot? I didn't have a stutter before but these past few months as my mental state has gotten worse, so have my speech issues. What started as forgetting words and occasional muteness has become me saying the wrong words entirely and stuttering anything not meticulously planned before I said it.

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Honestly, with the worse my abuse has gotten over the years, my mental state has plummitted. I just wish I could go a day without considering suicide and worrying my friends/partner.

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So that's me on a mental level. I'm also a trans man, love sewing, and one day want to teach English classes in the UK with my partner to come home to. I love kids and probably would give one all of my money if they asked. My special interests are bees and rats.

Does anybody else have speech problems related to ptsd or anxiety? Flashbacks that involve hallucinations? I'm so confused about everything going on in my head and would love somebody to talk to.

 

[anonymous]

Does anybody else have speech problems related to ptsd or anxiety? Flashbacks that involve hallucinations?

Yes, I developed speech problems related to my PTSD or anxiety. Its worse when I feel rushed or uncomfortable or don't know someone etc. sometimes it's like my mind just has so many different perspectives and it's hard to filter through them all.

My flashbacks don't involve hallucinations at all, it's more of a dissociation of things not feeling real. It's hard to describe how things felt unreal, yet I remember so many details and know exactly what happened kind of like a videotape that recorded everything.

Are you able to do any type of therapy?

 

[DharmaGirl]

Yep, I began to stutter as my PTSD got worse, and when I'm confronted by someone I lose the ability to speak. My flashbacks are like being 3 and trying to make sense out of whatever someone is saying.

 

[ladee]

Welcome! Very happy you found us. You have had a hard road, but reaching out for help is a step toward healing.
Do you have a Therapist? Would be a good idea to see about getting one if you don't.. They really help get us thru day to day.
You will be met with very caring and supportive people here.
Glad you decided to join our healing community....

 

[Deleted member 34328]

Hi @DanielAC

Welcome to the forum. I can't relate personally to all of your symptoms, however since being diagnosed myself...I've discovered that anything is possible.

As Ladee said, the first step is acknowledging the problem & reaching out. You've done that. To me that says you aren't willing to sit back and give up. You aren't playing the victim. It's not easy to have the drive to fight.

Keep fighting and explore the forum. We'd love to get to know you better.

 

[Casey_03]

Are you stuck there for financial reasons? Depending on how old you are, I'm wondering if there isn't a way for you to find some sort of retreat or program that would allow you to escape, even if only for a few weeks. That would be easier to do through a school, but not sure if you are a student, or what ... Obviously, the thing you need most is to get away, and I would encourage you to search online for programs/retreats, anything you can find. There may even be some volunteer opportunities that will pay for your room and board, and that would allow you to get away to clear your head and see things from the outside, rather than being stuck in a toxic environment.

 

[DanielAC]

Welcome! Very happy you found us. You have had a hard road, but reaching out for help is a step toward he...

I actually have a meeting with my councelor tomorrow. I'm hoping she can help me out, but- though I am trying to keep myself optimistic- in the past when I met with her she only would say things about what is going on with me without sending me somewhere to get an official diagnosis. I'm hoping that tomorrow she will refer me to someone who might help me pursue healing, moreso than what she has offered in the past.

 

[DanielAC]

Are you stuck there for financial reasons? Depending on how old you are, I'm wondering if there isn't...

Its financial as well as other legal reasons. I only have less than a year and a half before I can move in with my partner though. I didn't think of going on a retreat and will definitely have to look into that ! Thanks for the suggestion.
Currently, I am looking into scholarships that will allow me to move in with my friend (who lives in another state). Thank you for the suggestions, I will have to keep them all in mind as I pursue new options.

 

[DanielAC]

Yes, I developed speech problems related to my PTSD or anxiety. Its worse when I feel rushed or uncom...

Thank you for resoinding and letting me know I am not alone in my symptoms. My family has taken to mocking my symptoms, so its just made me feel worse. I am meeting with my counselor about it though.
I dissasociate too, usually when I remember what traumatic things have happened in a specific room of my house or something. Its tough to cope with, but I've found being around animals helps. Touching their fur and letting them sit on me and give other sensory input helps (when they lick my hands or make noises not typical to the environment like sighs). Maybe that can help for you?
At this point I just only speak when I've practiced what I've said. That was already something I did, because of my autism, but not as diligently as now.
Again, thanks for responding and yes, I'm slowly working towards therapy.

 

[DanielAC]

Welcome! Very happy you found us. You have had a hard road, but reaching out for help is a step toward he...

I have a counselor who I haven't met with in a while but am seeing again on monday. Thank you for your well wishes.

 

[EveHarrington]

Welcome! :hug:

 

[Lucycat]

Hi Daniel
@DanielAC - you know what ? There are many of us that agree with you. Getting a therapist will help but the choice is yours.