Sufferer Just Waiting Around To Die

[sunnyd]

hi Deadmann

You said:

At the time I was told that I could have spine surgery, but it would reduce pain along with guaranteeing I'd never walk again. It appears that wheelchair life means a short spiral down and so I decided to make friends with the pain and have some legs that worked.

Reply:

What a choice to have to make!

you said:

It appears my Cadillac brain was turned into a Chevrolet, but it could have been far worse.
Pain meds scare the hell out of me....

Love it! you still have a sence of humour. Its great even when at our lowest to have that. It made me laugh so much. In fact the thought off all that study and just a piece of paper and the odd flash back to remember you achieved all that study and work. Priceless! What was it you studied? you must be a clever man.

Seems we are very different people, I feel I never developed education very well as the brain grows in different ways I think mines took the survival route which was more important to me at the time or perhaps necessary.

I guess I just had too much going on in my head when my brain was growing. That's my excuse and I am sticking to it! haa haa

Pain scares the hell out of me and the more pain meds the better, the more relaxers for anxiety and sleeping also is my way of coping. I have always been a baby and said if I got any serious condition that was painful I wouldn't be able to handle it. I don't fear of being controlled by them, I will just switch to stronger ones I fear the pain. Although I am getting pro active in supplements now taking fish oil omega 3.

Before all my problems were emotional or mental but my ptsd has gone on and with lack of sleep and stresses overflowing to contribute to Fibromyalgia. I haven't had it long. It overwhelmed me. we are so different but both can have humour. That's neat. I also have chronic fatigue but need sleeping tablets but one of my sleeping patterns can sleep for a month and up only a few hour and exhausted again. After a sleeping month telling people I am knackered is laughable. But it is the way it is.

you said:

Terrible isolation. I have little to show beyond pig-headed survival. As I grow closer to the end of my life I am forced to see a wasted life, wasted potential, and a lack of anything that would mean anyone would care when I died. Isn't it Scott that wrote about being double dead for being unloved and unregarded? I've probably butchered it

I work with elderly in their own homes, some are as old as 103 and do life reviews with things they wish they had done with there lives just in conversation.What would you have liked to have done? I am in overdrive visiting all over the world and doing all the things i want to before I have no choice in the matter, but it is mainly travelling and seeing places. I guess I am shallow perhaps? it is as it is.

Glad you are a good listener because I can yap the hind heels off a donkey. I am luck to sleep 4 hours a night then have to go to work. Then i am sore, stiff and have the worst headaches. Still getting used to the pain. Can sure use a listener especially one with wit

You haven't butchered anything as far as I'm concerned who is Scott? that tavelling guy who went out in the cold saying he may be some time? see intellegence v education. I wonder if I chose not to learn because my dad was a teacher? mmmmmh... b ut my thoughts are double dead unloved unregarded???
I have been both but did not think i was even single dead.

The most I have felt dead is numbed by anti D's, they don't seem to do much for me. Ive tried most of them. Just fill your head numbly some of them so your ware housed like you said. Or make my anxiety worse and depression less. If get one lessened usually another will worsen.

Did they ever get any justice for your injuries?

Any questions you don't want to answer just ignore. I do not know you'r bounderies and I don't wish to be disrespectful in anyway.

Sorry If my spelling isn't what it should be. I have tried I think uk spell differently.

Hope all finds you well with this note SunnyD

 

[Loner]

Loner,

I find your comments a bit harsh for the intro forum. Perhaps you need to remember that the people who post here are new to the forum, and as such, some are reaching out for the first time or don't have any other support other than this new-found place.

I would hate for someone to be scared off because a seasoned member decided to lay on a few harsh "realities"... And I do say "realities" because in the end they're just opinions.

Deadmann,
Welcome to the forum. I hope you can find the support you need. Gentle hugs.

Yea, i got a little defensive at the 'you dont know suffering like I do' comment, other than that though I'm really just telling him what I wish someone woudl of told me.

 

[Loner]

Loner: I did not mean to offend you or make it sound like I was not listening. I was trying to make the point that what I have been doing is taking risks since this happened, but that after all these years my capacity to overcome fear, pain, and disability has been taxed to its limits. I find that loading more risk for more failure and misery on a life that is now just composed primarily of living like a solitary animal trying to survive day to day is beyond what I think I can handle. As JuneBug observed, I am at a point where I am probably only capable of having someone say, "Do this and see if it works", assessing whether I can cope with it, and taking a shot if I can. I am out of bullets. I have nothing left to try or draw on because I lack knowledge, evidence, or ideas that haven't failed or haven't caused untenable suffering. I know there is no golden pill or unicorn dust for this and know that I will have to do something that will probably be less than comfortable - I just have no idea what that might be.

I do have to say is that my torture left me crippled so not only will I never ski, I have days where getting to a store for food is a full day's effort and the limit of my ability to endure pain. I say this only to invite you to contemplate the idea that it is possible for someone to be so messed up that the things that provide you solace or enjoyment are not available to them. I'll leave it at that because I felt obligated to try to make clear that I did not want to anger or offend you, have a different viewpoint, and hope you will not remain upset at what I have said. In any case, I do appreciate that you have taken the time and effort to respond.

Yea I wasnt suggesting that you actually go skiing, its a parable for how fear applies to every day life.

I get what youre saying. I have been there. The feeling that all the hurt that simply going to the grocery store has to offer is just too much to bear. The cashier will act annoyed and scorn you cus she thinks youre weird, etc. The parking lot is an unsafe place, the drive there is overwhelming with sensory stimulation, etc.

The thing is though, isolating doesnt remove the fear. Thats the whole point I have been trying to make. In fact, isolating makes the fear and anxiety WORSE because its all you have. You have no enjoyable interactions with people, not much thats fulfilling, etc. All your doubts and worries feast on themselves and multiply.

Facing your fears and taking calculated risks is not fun or pleasant at first. Its scary as hell, but if you make a habit of doing it a little bit at a time, perhaps just one small thing a day at first, things will get better. Its a long hard road to healing but isolation while tempting wont get you there.

Best of luck to you. I'm sure you will have some justification as to why what I have suggested just can't work for you, I'm not saying that bitterly, I'm just saying it because it is important to recognize and accept that where you are at right now, perhaps this is all you are capable of. That is ok. There was a time I felt I needed to isolate because I wasnt ready to deal with the pain the world had in store for me. Thats ok. Taking some time to work up the courage to face the world again is ok, but the truth is safety comfort and whats easy are not going to lead to happiness.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear DeadMann, there are things that help ptsd. I have found (from my experience) take one thing at a time- post it even here- and then apply solutions that work (others will direct you to them, you will find how to tailor it to you). When one area improves, you can go to another.

I am so sorry for what you have been through, and are going through. Pain fatigue alone makes suicide seem more and more inevitable. I am glad you did not pull the trigger. You are not a coward- you still retain the necessary, sane and terrific HEALTHY fear everyone needs for a survival instinct.

Hope is NEVER peverse.

((((Hug)))) to you if that's ok.

 

[DeadMann]

SunnyD:
I had to look it up: Sir Walter Scott, in a poem that is really on a different subject wrote as the last lines, "And, doubly dying, shall go down
To the vile dust from whence he sprung,
Unwept, unhonored, and unsung.
It sums up how I see my life post-torture. What may have been a good life, a fulfilling life, now seems destined to be one of grubby survival as I wait for return to that vile dust.

Your frantic pace and lack of sleep concerns me. I did much the same thing until I had a heart attack. I was lucky to end up with no permanent damage, but found that my lack of sleep had nearly killed me. I use a CPAP machine now and am sleeping about 6 hours a night. It caused the first reduction in pain I can recall. Perhaps you should consider a sleep study to see if you have some sleep disturbance that is making it look like you are sleeping when you are not. I thought it was so much smoke and mirrors until I experienced the change. I have less pain and am more able to think clearly - probably because my body and brain are able to fire on a few more cylinders and the healing power is being used more effectively.

Antidepressants have about a 4% edge over placebos for long-term depression according to excellent studies including a good one done in the UK. Short term they appear to work to re-boot or at least mitigate turning short term into long term depression. Long term people tend to keep jumping from one drug to another and upping dosage until they are numbed sufficiently. They all require constant increases in dosage that can cause myriad negative side affects. I tried a number of different kinds and found that all I could do was sit around or sleep when using them at best. People should know that they are a stop-gap and not any kind of cure. Drugs do not make the problem go away - you just don't care that you are as miserable as you are. Give someone enough drugs and you could saw an arm off and they would laugh as you did it.

On the same tack, did you know that a common side affect from pain killers is sleep disturbance and anxiety? What appears to be a good solution may come back to bite you... Please be careful and use as little as is possible.

To your question: There is no justice for this. There is nothing that can compensate for a life of suffering and pain. No one was ever punished. My torture and lasting torment were inflicted so some sick sadist could get his rocks off. How do you get justice for that?

 

[Tinyflame]

I don't know DeadMann, it's an attrocious crime. But helping (and hearing) those who have come to you has helped them with the same question.

As to purpose, I don't understand either, but it's said, "How do you know you're not done? You're still here".

 

[DeadMann]

Loner & Junebug: You are right. I know that it's a one step at a time deal. I've been stepping a long time, but I think I am running out of time. I do get out and deal with people, but for years now I am just the scary homeless old cripple. A subject of pity or of revulsion, but otherwise not acceptable for decent company. I do not register as someone who could be a friend, a companion, a lover, etc. You tolerate the leper but you keep your distance. I think I gave up finally because of this. At some point banging your head against the wall just hurts your head. The wall still stands, unaffected but for a few grey hairs and a splotch or two of blood. Oddly and inexplicably, I will head out again and again and bang away again. My expectations call for more of the same, but to the limit of my tolerance for rejection I continue.

Loner: There is always resistance to anyone suggesting the road may be hard or that you must take responsibility for your circumstances. I am not immune to this. However, do not confuse skepticism or a need to clarify for refusal or denial. The only words that I have taken any offense to are those where you claim that I will find excuses for not listening to you. You can't expect someone not to flinch when a solid right connects to the kidneys. Once again, I say that while I may not like everything I hear I have not formed the habit of disdaining a contrary or uncomfortable opinion. Simply put: Your presumption is flawed and could use some revision.

Oh, and I got the skiing metaphor. I just adapted it. The point was only that we have different capabilities and that were I still able physically to do what you can I would be far less overwhelmed. Imagine if in addition to your PTSD effort you had your ability to ski or even walk taken from you. Most of what people have to connect them consists of shared interests. What happens when what you are able to do diminishes to little of nothing? Can't dance, I ain't pretty, and my legs are thin...

 

[sunnyd]

Deadmann

I will seriously try and address my sleep issues, I know if I can I will be in less pain. I have tried everything to date so just sleep when ever the mood hits me to sleep these days. I seemed to have got trapped unable to sleep at night then sleeping from around (am until 13.00 or so) even with my sleeping pill tonight I'm not sleepy.

So I have adapted like a new mum and sleep when the baby does (when i feel the need) Apparently it was the lack of sleep that contributed to my fibromyalgia. Will do some research on the CPAP, haven't heard of it before so thanks for that.

Sir Walter Scott just googled him. Scottish like me. I'm in such a great place for learning now. have learned more this year from history and geography shows than in all the previous years together. Its never too late I guess. I think you have to find the interest for learning. I think I have control issues around learning. I only do it if its my choice.


you said:


but for years now I am just the scary homeless old cripple. A subject of pity or of revulsion, but otherwise not acceptable for decent company. I do not register as someone who could be a friend, a companion, a lover, etc.

Reply: Is this on purpose, you could have a make over? feel better about yourself. Are you perceiving yourself as this subject of revulsion? or the way you feel inside. At the end of the day you could feel better if you had a good haircut and a change. You could be reading peoples minds and being completely wrong. How do you know decent people would not want your company? and blaming it on your situation
your looking down on yourself mate. You have as much right to be in this world as the next person and if others cant accept you for what you are the problem is there's.

You said

To your question: There is no justice for this. There is nothing that can compensate for a life of suffering and pain. No one was ever punished. My torture and lasting torment were inflicted so some sick sadist could get his rocks off. How do you get justice for that?

reply:

In many ways, I don't know how this will make you feel. I am no expert but will answer as to the question personally from my thoughts.

• I do not know where you live but i take it there is a police and government with laws.

• there are many ways to skin a cat, don't get mad get even

(the father, of my brother who sexually abused the fathers child. Waited for his sentence to end, and put him in hospital while still in the prison car park) Of course there were sanctions for his actions such as the father of the abused in now in jail. But the man got his pride back.

• if you ever felt like using that gun...

• Expose the person name and shame

• sue that bastard

Yes some of these ways would have bad paybacks for you. But these would be my thoughts in your shoes.

• nicer ones would be to get religious and learn to forgive, but that takes a special kind of person. But the bible does preach repentance.

Leaving these thoughts with you hopefully they are not to bizarre x

 

[Girl3]

Loner & Junebug: I know that it's a one step at a time deal. I've been stepping a long time, but I think I am running out of time.

DeadMann - you write eloquently. And the fact that you write, suggests you do want to live. you do want help. Healing from PTSD requires and active stance, and can begin without a formal therapist - there are good books to read. Based on your intelligence, I suggest you get a hold of Judith Lewis Herman, MD's book
Trauma and recovery: The aftermath of violence from domestic abuse to political terror.

Universities with medical schools have psychiatry and psychology programs - when I was still in academics, we took care of homeless people routinely. Universities DO charity care as part of their existence and it helps them gain credence in the communities in which they exist. I don't know where you live, but hopefully you have access to some kind of medical facility that can begin to help you.

In the mean time, there is an incredible amount of support here in this forum. I hope you look for and find the support you need.

As for medication: appropriately used, medication can be very helpful. Alpha blockers to help decrease the nightmares and startle response at night, SSRI/SNRIs to help with daytime anxiety, fibromyalgia. No everyone needs to take a lot of medication. And most people don't need antipsychotics atypical or otherwise. So most of us don't need to be medicated to the eyeballs.

Also, there are randomized controlled trials throughout the world - if you live near a center that is participating in trials regarding PTSD and you "fit" study criteria, you get free care and sometimes with reimbursement. If you need help locating something like that, just email me.

You may be homeless, but you are not alone. You have reached out - let people here grab your hand and help. Be well.

 

[DeadMann]

I'll try to address some things posted earlier with an explanation. I was tortured by members of a sheriff's department. Certainly rogue and sadly with a history of abusive behavior. Shortly after my experience, an elderly couple were pulled over because their van looked like one used in a robbery. When the old man protested about his wife being roughly searched by a male officer, he was beaten so badly he ended up in hospital. The same night I was tortured, a prostitute was brought in and two officers took turns kicking her ribs in. When the law, those sworn to serve and protect, become the criminals you start looking over your shoulder a lot. When the DA tried to convict me of several counts of assaulting a police officer and resisting arrest, it meant that if convicted I would have faced 32 years in jail. I was very lucky in that the judge immediately threw it out because not only did I have not criminal record (or even traffic tickets), but the sheriff had no reason to arrest me - no warrant to enter search and rifle my home, no reason to terrorize my wife and daughter, no probable cause, no immanent danger, and no crime. He really chewed them out, but the damage was done. I won the lawsuit but big deal. It did not pay even one percent of my medical bills.

I bring this up because I have also said that I have become a scary homeless guy. It's actually partly a joke. I lost my home, my business, and most everything I owned in trying to get medical treatment. My back surgery alone cost $154,000. It was just the first of 7 surgeries so far. So I live in a 36 year old motorhome. No fixed address. I have to travel to the north in the summer or the heat would cook me to death and to the south in summer so I don't freeze to death. I have to pay for everything I need out of a $699/month disability check. A typical parking place for this kind of thing costs between $20 and $50 per night, so I spend time in parking lots and truck stops and whatever I can do to get by. I can't qualify for other assistance because it all relies on having a fixed address. The government considers me homeless. I have also been given letters by the social services people that state plainly that because I am a white, male, legal citizen between the ages of 19 and 65 I do not qualify for any programs. The ultimate in legal discrimination and profiling, wouldn't you say?

On the other hand my hygiene is quite good, I do not smell bad or run around un-groomed, I take care of my clothes. I never was a slob, but now no matter what I do I can't seem to wash away the taste and smell of that filthy jail floor and can't stand to be dirty. Most people would not know I was homeless from appearances. However, the homeless thing means that many of the medical options you've described are proscribed for me. They want people who are in a fixed location and do not have exceptions for even otherwise harmless homeless people. Hence the 'scary' part of my description. My doctors and their staff actually have come to refer to me as the Scary Homeless Guy in ironic jest.

Why not settle would be your next question. Simple. What was done to me has so terrified me about dealing with authority - and especially government - that I have made a concerted effort to disappear. If you can't see me, you can't hurt me. If I stay away from all those potential torturers and their henchmen, they can't repeat their crimes. I have made myself the smallest possible target. By design, at any given time not a single person knows both who and where I am. I don't leave any more paper trail than I must to survive. Not even a utility bill in in my name. If I have to deal with such things as a license to drive or insurance, etc. I plan so I can enter, do my business, and be long gone before the sun goes down. I do not answer phones or doors. I think this is adequately described as paranoid. Maybe this is what Loner calls my comfort zone. The point being that my trauma has not stopped. It started 25 years ago and is still going on every day when I see a police car or have to deal with some government entity or provide ID or location of any kind - and the flashbacks and fear take over.

As with that rape scenario I used, until the rape stops I can see no potential for healing and recovery unless I can manage it myself (and that is counterproductive because it feeds the PTSD isolation problem). I fully understand that my paranoia is an irrational response but I have little control over it I have found. I fully understand that I need to be around people more so I can learn to be around people more - an excellent Catch-22. The circular logic involves knowing that I desperately need someone or a few somebodies that I can trust to help me stop the torture so I can actually learn to trust someone to help me get over the torture so that I can trust people enough to have a life. I can't do this alone, but have no one that I have been able to trust to help me.

Let's make it blunt and clear. Before I will allow myself to be controlled, caged, and/or used in any way similar to what started all of this, I WILL DIE. I will make anyone who takes my freedom also take my life because at that point I will have no viable alternative. Another cell or even a locked room is a death sentence for me. Probably foolish to cling to such a slim thread of perceived freedom as the one thing absolutely essential to survival, but everything else has been ripped from me and here I have taken my Alamo stand.

Drugs present major problems for me. One: If drugged then I am not as able to protect and defend myself or stay out of harm's way. No one else with do this for me, so it fall to me alone. Drugs ALWAYS reduce cognitive capacity. Two: I have severe reactions to so many that the risk is too high. I would only be able to take a new drug if it were under constant supervision because if something goes wrong as it has in the past, I need intervention. Three: Even when I was able to use the drugs, they had no beneficial affects. If anything it made life much worse because I became non-functional and dependent. Four: The idea of being dependent on drugs is a trigger much like someone trying to physically restrain me and I roll into panic mode with a very well developed fight or flight reflex.

Finally, for now, I want to address retribution. My daughter (who I've seen once in 14 years) asked me the last time I saw her about the torture. She too was traumatized and it took until last year for her to speak to me about it. I told her what happened that she did not see for herself. She told me that if she were me she could not go on doing anything until she had hunted down the ringleader and killed him. If you knew how sweet and mild she is, you'd be shocked as I was by this. It was up to me to explain that I had already lost my life for all these years because of what that sick bastard did. It was up to me to explain that while I too had considered just that (and am more than capable of executing the job) but that it would make me the kind of person he was and that was not in the cards. Finally, I had to explain that what very little that remained of me and my existence was worth more than the bullet. I can't do violence to someone else and still think that I do not deserve violence. You get down in the mud with the pigs and you should not be dismayed to find you get just as muddy muddy and smell just as bad.

 

[Girl3]

Randomized controlled trials that I have participated in only require that you show up on your appointed dates - they have not required a "home address". IRB approved studies that I conducted when I was still in academic medicine allowed homeless people to participate, we only needed a means of contacting by phone, and that patients followed up with us in the event of side-effects. Reimbursement checks could be picked up at the payroll office, with a copy of the signed protocol in hand, by the patient.

Most of the medications currently used in PTSD treatment do not cloud ones perceptions or make one unable to function. I still work as a physician in a specialty that requires quick thinking and considerable coordination. If you have had trouble with becoming psychotic on antidepressants however, then another additional diagnosis may also be present. No one has to take meds that make them unresponsive - unless they wish to, in agreement with their physician/therapist.

While none of the medications are a cure, some of them are quite helpful. Over the past three years I have been on SSRI/SNRIs for anxiety and clonidine to help with the severe startle reflex and nightmares. Since my own trauma history goes back over 45 years and includes rape, incest, physical trauma, and emotional abuse over a prolonged period, I am unfortunately well versed in what PTSD can do to a person.

Of the universities I've worked for, our free-clinics allowed homeless people - in fact, in the one it was the majority of our clientele. I hope you will reconsider seeking help, because you sound as if you are in great emotional pain and under great stress. Peace.

 

[sunnyd]

Well said Deadmann

Sorry you have had all this pointless life changing experience, and for what? nothing because some gang worked in a pact for no reason.

Reading your post made me glad I live in the UK. For all we say about the national health service waiting times and everything going centralisedI think we have it better. What has happened to you sucks big time.

I hope you can enjoy the good parts of not being settled and see parts of the world and enjoy your freedom. Do you meet other travellers?

Your daughter sounds a lovley girl and understanding where you are coming from more with the last post. Im glad scary homeless guy is a bit of humour and not the way you feel about yourself self esteme ways.


Sorry if my spelling isn't working for you. I think we have some words we spell differently.

Girl 3

Sounds like a great opportunity.

SunnyD x