Just Want To Go North Cont...

[Aprooster74]

Well, I cannot say what it is that motivated me to search out a forum, but I have a habit of doing things without knowing why I do them of late. I have learned that I cannot come back and add to my post so I guess that I have to tell it all in one shot. I do not know if I can do that, but can not hurt to try.
I am an OIF vet who went from being a mechanic to a scout in a matter of moments. The time I was over there is not the issue but the catalyst. In truth that is a world I understand and am a part of me that comes to life whenever I think back. I have no regrets about it, and I am very good at it. The part that causes me chaos is putting that part of me away. I came home so wound up that I was doing insane things. I am 5'11" about 180lbs and walked upto a man that was 6'5" 300lbs and told him to hit me cause I was going to hit him and wanted him to have the first shot. There was no thought about it nor was there any concern of the aftermath. I scared this man so bad that he left, but he wanted to hit me bad. The thing that stopped him was that there was nothing in my body language that said I was kidding. I tell you now looking back that I was not kidding, I just wanted to fight and didnt care who what when or where. This incident scared me because I was sober. The joke is that alchohol is liquid courage; what if you have the courage without the liquid?
The thing is that there is no manual that can tell you how to put that battlefield mindset away. I have looked and looked for something that can give me just the slightest direction, but I have yet to find it. I was taught as a soldier to adapt and adjust. A part of my everyday life and I do that without thought, but I have had to learn to stop and think when aggression is thrown at me. Even today (2 years later) I am still trying to figure it out.
A little background... I am still married but seperated. I am not capable of being a husband and I know it. There is no support from the spouse. Her answer to it all is to just act like it does not exist. I cannot file the divorce. It took me a month to fill out the paperwork, but I wont finish it. The one thing that truly stops me is my daughter (not biological, but that never mattered to me). The moment the divorce happens she loses medical, dental, etc etc, and she loses the only Dad she has ever known. So, I will not take away the security of that from her. If it is taken away from me then that is the way it is, but I will not be the initiator. I know that it is a small thing to hold on to, but its the only thing I have left to hold. Just like her phone. I keep it on because to her that matters and even though I am 60 miles away she knows without question that there are things that will always be there. It is hard because I am not there and I get things second hand, but I would rather get them second hand and know she is smiling then to know that she is insecure. I have had to deal with many people that tell me to just let it all go. Why are you doing that? She is not your responsibility? That is someone elses problem? so on and so on, but you know she has seen me when I was really bad and she has seen me when I was back to my old self. But she has never given up.
My life right now is one that makes spontaneous look organized. I pull it together whenever my lil one contacts me, but outside of that I can not seem to get any kind of dress right dress. It has been two years and nothing has changed. I still have to get up every morning and ask myself "What are you going to live for today?" and I tell you it is getting harder and harder to find an answer.
I went to the VA 8 months ago (not by choice). I had sent an email to someone and they referred it and the next thing I know there are three sheriff cars in front of my little RV. I have been homeless or had multiple addresses since I got back. This particular time I was living in an RV, but the head of the VA Mental Health department would not leave it alone until I was at the hospital getting evaluated. The one time my wife actually did something to help me. She had to take custody of me and I was seen within 24hrs. Then she was gone again.
This eval is when I started to change, because what happened told me that there was no help for me other then what I did for myself. The VA is so impersonal, and I understand to a degree why. The part that gets me is this. Everything is all about getting the intel into the computer. What you say they type and it is there verbatim and I have no problem with that. It is a government agency. The thing that does not make any sense to me is this? I was at the interview and the questions came up and I was asked. I was completely honest. I had fresh scares from where it was completely obvious that I had been trying to hurt myself and I showed them. Then the strangest thing happened. The computer stopped responding and a box came up that said to admit immediately. The wonderful thing about the age of technology is that you just go back and change what you inputted and that is what happened. So, I learned right then and there that there was no help for me. I got referred to "group therapy."
I fight everyday to find a reason to see tomorrow. My wife is gone. I cannot put on my uniform without shaking uncontrollablly. I have not been to a Guard drill in 18 months, and that in itself is a dishonorable. I have a VA claim that I need to respond to by 4 December. The point is I have tried and tried and always do I hit a dead end.
I cannot live alone. I live with my parents right now and fill like a burden. They should not have to take care of me,but they know that I am not capable of doing it myself. I just do not know anymore.

Anyway, I cannot talk anymore. It was a struggle to say what I said. I still cannot sleep at night without my ear phones on (a habit I picked up in Iraq), and without my Advil PM. The nightmares dont go away? I just want to find peace...

 

[Jimmy1]

Your welcome mate. You can always add to a thread you create. It might take a few posts until you have full access to post video's and links, but go for it. We are always here to listen.

Its a sad thing that so many story's are similar to yours. Because there was a stigma attached to PTSD and it was a sign of weakness to say you were unwell, three are thousands of soldiers all over the world who are destroying their lives.

If you have questions, just ask mate, you are not alone.

Jimmy

 

[Ned]

What Jimmy said. Read around here there is a lot of useful stuff. Know all about that 'not kidding' recklessness, as do quite afew here. I'm a Brit so don't have the VA crap but my gut instinct would be to keep responding so they can't wash their hands of you. Be a bloody nuisance.

 

[Anglesachse]

It all sounds so familiar Aprooster. But alone you ain`t. Like Ned I am a Brit so have no doings with the VA stuff, but like he says, hang in there and keep buging them.

easier said than done I know, and although your misses may not be there for you, she was when you needed it most. My misses was responsible for puting me in a secure clinic. today I know I owe her my life.

 

[Aprooster74]

My dad tells me the same thing as well as friends. I will continue to be a nuisance, but the thing that is driving me crazy is that everyday I ponder just letting go of everything. My wife knows what "Going North" means. She hates whenever I talk about it and she tells me that if I do she will bring me back just to put me through hell before she kills me. The thing is that my wife and I talk regularly and we cannot go a week without one or the other calling or texting. Usually she does it then I do it but every time we try to leave each other or stop talking to each other or anything that means we are disconnecting. We always ALWAYS find a reason to send that text or make that call, etc. But the thing that she knows that others cannot figure out is I am fighting each day to not go north (stay alive. keep breathing. checkout the otherside...ie -> Go North). I am just afraid that one day it will not matter anymore.
I do not come here lightly nor do I express my self looking for pity or atttention. I just do not understand how it is that I can be so lost that the course of action that ever comes to mind is one that is final. I have lost complete touch with all my emotions. Things that should fill me with joy do not matter. I can be in a conversation and someone says something that is funnier then hell and I know it is funnier then hell and I do not laugh. It makes no sense to me how I can be that disconnected and just not be able to react. It is like I am dead already, but just have not figured that out yet.

How do I stop feeling dead inside and enjoy the "little things in life?"

 

[Jimmy1]

Mate, the biggest problem people have is not understanding what it is that is wrong. Your wife sounds like she still loves you, but just can't live with you because of the way the demon takes hold.
My wife left me and found someone else. I had to raise my boy alone for a few years, had numerous women.
But your wife obviously cares, but your just not the same person she married anymore.

If she does not have a good idea about PTSD, get her to read the links below, even if you print them out for her.

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In answer to your question,

How do I stop feeling dead inside and enjoy the "little things in life?"

That is one thing you have to find for yourself mate. We all have to find something and its a constant work in progress. But you have to find it within yourself mate. Cut through all that torment and nightmares and find just one little thing. Up until I found my fiance, I found a bit of solitude in helping others, like the people on this site, but that is not enough. Even my children were not enough at one stage.
The answers were not at the bottom of a bottle, or a pill container, or in the bong water. Its purely depression which makes us feel that way.

Good luck in finding that spark mate.

Jimmy

 

[Zipperhead]

Did you say you wanted to be admitted? Or did you say you didn't, so they went back and changed the answer? I'm not American so I really don't know your VA system. But if they really throw you to the wolves like that, then, wow.

When I was still in, the Army Medical System throw me to the wolves. Once I got out the DVA jumped in. They have done more for me in 7 months then the Army Docs did in 3 years. Have you gone to the DAV yet? There is help, I guess they think we should have to fight for it.

 

[Aprooster74]

Whne I went to the VA back in March is was because the Suicide Prevention center in New Jersey got the email I had sent to the VA. I had been looking for help and I just wrote anybody I could. So, in the process of doing that one of my emails got sent to this guy in New Jersey who contacted the VA here in Texas and I have three sherrif's at my door. I was scared out ofmy wits and thought that I was going to jail, but it was an answer to my cry.
They contacted my wife and she had to take custody ofme until i was seen by the VA psychiatrist or psychologist. Which happened pretty quick.
At the interview the person I talked to brought up a pre determined set of questions on thecomputer and began to ask me. So, I figured what the hell I have nothing to lose, so whatever he asked I answered honestly. The whole thing was nothing but me talking and the sound of rapid tyoing. The whole process is impersonal. Well at some point the computer went all chaotic and he stopped typing to read what came up, and then he turned the screen so that I could see it and it said plainly that I was a high risk for suicide and that I needed to be admitted. Which to be honest is what I wanted because I was at the end of anything and everything left in me. Plus, it is what my wife was wanting and waiting for. That day changed everything for me in the respect that I did not get admitted and he went back and began to change the answers to the questions. i do not know what all was changed but I do know that I did not get admitted that day. i was referred to another department. I managed to keep it together for a time after that, but it has been one of new jobs and new homes and lots of unanswered questons.
The doc at that interview told me that if I stopped my drinking I would be o and be able to move on. Well let me say this. I have curved my drinking to almost nothing and what that haas left me with is confronting everything head on. Entirely to much to deal with all at once and I never relax. Everyting with me is instant and immediate. I have no room for tolerance etc. The only drug I take is Advil PM, because that puts me to sleep without ever having to dream.

I am more or less just babbling here. i really do not know what it is that I want to say or even what it is that I am looking for. What I do know is that I am wanting and wishing for that "Spark." I of course refer to it as a purpose, but it is all the same in the end. One of the hardest things with all of this is that I love my wife without word or thought and she carries the same towards me, but like Jimmy said, I am not the man she married and never will be completely whole again in reference to being the man I was. I have come to terms with that, and to be honest have been slowly increasing the distance between her and I as a result. I do not want her to have to suffer through any of that which I am going through. I just wish I knew how to express it all in words to where those that have thepower to help can understand enough to help and stop telling me "Your an intelligent man, whats wrong with you?"

Babbling Rooster... Sorry guys not trying to stir up any old memories...

 

[Aprooster74]

The thing that I have noticed is that I talk about my wife a lot, and I d because of how much she means to me. However, I have noticed that I have never talked about what actually happened while I was over ther and after reading mush of the post here I find that there is a certain level of neccesity in providing some background.

When I got orders to Iraq my status was that of a Mechanic. Something I know well and am very good at. I never had a single thought about being one of the infantry guys (whom i supported). My mindset was to ensure that they never had to worry about their vehicle no matter what happened. I am a little bit of an eccentric when it comes to knowing what and when could happen so I always asked myself after each repair if she would do her job and take care of the boys. If I found the littlest thing wrong I would fix and you were not going to tell me otherwise.
Well, at somepoint I was taken out of that reality and told I was going to be a Scout. The "Needs of the Army" as we called it and I just grabbed on to the new asssignment and ran with it.
I was Gun 1 in a convoy ops mission. I had no clue what I was walking into but I knew just one thing. This is what I am here to do and let the #$%* try and stop me. The mindset is completely different from anything that I had ever had to confront and never thought about it. My slot was Primary Driver and Back -up Gunner. I never got into a head on firefight. Been shot at numerous times and had to wait for the highers to interpret the ROEs. Those damn things are for another discussion. The numero uno issue I had to face was IEDs and they werea bi$#%. Of the times the convoy I got hit the most I can tell you is tha twe all pushed through and never gave it a seconfd thought. We sadled up the next day and headed OTW without a second thought. Have 3 confirmed and uncountable number of "maybe's", the ever present political side to everything.
The one that stands out happened on 15 May. I could not tell you why I know the date or if that has any significance, but I do not think I will ever look upon it as anyting other then my true birthday. We were on a routine convoy mission and like the Commanders of old say "a plan is only good till the day u put it to action." The thing about that whole incident is that it happened - we took the hit and pushed on as if nothing occurred. The convoy rolled on without thought. ... Details are scarce, and not going to detail anyone...
The thing that still comes back to me is that during all that time and during all that happened there was never any disarray or chaos. Everything ran smooth and everything happened without a single conscious thought. There was order in the most chaotic realm anyone could think off. So, the logical mind within me does nto comprehend how I could be dress right dress there no matter what they threw at me, but connot remember to pay a bill now? It is mind boggling...

 

[Aprooster74]

I have learned that there is a difference between someone who is winnie and someone who is actually looking for help and then there is the -gray line- ... I have my moments. The reality of all that I am dealing with is that I truly do not know which way to go with all of this. I do not have a retirement to fall back on or a disability to fall back on or even a spouse to fall back on. I truly wish that there was something there to take away some of the stress but it is not there. Yes, I do have to admit that a good portion of it has to do with me and the things that I have done over the past two years. Those things are something I have to answer for, and in time I will.
I went and read many of the post here. I did not respond to them as I am unsure that my point of view would matter. I have come to realize that the single most common trait in everything here is that we all understand what it means to be the target. I do not mean some random mortor that blew up 6 Chu's down from where I lived. I mean being OTW and the only presence there was your convoy or your squad or your mission. That is the reality of what I face. Understanding the fact that even if I was not hurt or my budddies they were aiming for me and mine. Something that makes it real and the whole reason I was there. In my whole time over there I never thought about my well being. I thought about my Spouse and My kids and My Fanily and hoped everyday that they were enjoyiing their "Beer and Bar-BQ." You see, that is what I called what I did. Simply put - Beer and Bar-BQ - which in truth means this: I did what I did so that they can do what they do. I know it sounds pathetic and it sound meaningless, but is it really?
I have no regrets about my time served nor would I say no should they ask me to go back. It is what I do and what I am good at. The problem that kills me is that I am unable to try and integrate into their world. I need to find a common ground that allows me to not get mad at that a#%$-h*&^ that gets in the express line with 21 items or that guy that cut me off on the highway but does not react when the light turns green at a stoplight. My world is a dress right dress one where if this happens I react this way etc etc. and I tell you it is not as simple as it sounds.
I was the primary driver of gun one on convoy missions in Iraq. When I got there everyone I met that was leaving told me that it would be a cake walk as the fighting in Iraq was dieing down. That was 2009-2010. The mission seemed simple.
The reality was not what the news would have you believe. As a gunner I scanned and I looked and I did my job without thought. I took the rounds that were shot at me and I called it up for permission to retaliate, because by this point it was all about justifying bullets. I mean hell take one in the chest and all hell breaks loose, take one in the truck and you send it to maintenance. So being the gunner was what it was. The saving grace in all of that was that I knew that I was fighting cowards. An enemy that WOULD NOT stand up and confront you, but they sure as shit would hit you when your back was turned. The nemesis of any military... the IED!!! For those that have never had to endure it I say this - bullets are better at least you have a target!!! So, I cannot get in a one on one with someone that experienced the tap-tap-tap. Nor would I try. That is not my world. The world I know is where it feels like an earthquake but everything is still rolling. That is something I do not want anyone to ever have to face but I know that my buddies are dealing daily. The first time did not happen fast (or at least it did not feel like it), but evey time after that I checked my crew and then checked the convoy, but as gun one they followed me. I learned from that first experience because I did not know how to react. My TC was a vet from the Expeditionary and had an occupational tour in the afterwards, so he had prior understanding. I did what no Gun One should ever do, I slowed down. I can not tell you whether it was seconds minutes but I tell you this I never ever did it again. I put everyone in danger that day and have spent the remainder of my days making up for it. We took two more confirmed after that and always just went to my mechanics bay (it got so common that the cheif just kept a bay open for me - lol). The point is that no matter what there was always someone over your left and over your right ready and able. We never refused and were right there always, but in this new world you look right and you look left and you question. Why???

It is simple. I am soldier to the blood that is created in my bones and a soldier does not show weakness nor does he ask for help! I forgot who I am and I forgot what makes me ...(pause)... me. And because of that weakness, I have lost everything that matters to me. Ponder...Ponder... to bad, out of three they were all bad aims...

 

[Aprooster74]

Hey, what you do here is unbelievable. Do not quit, please do not quit. I am just not worthy of being in the same realm. I have the CAB but that is different then the CIB. You all take care.

 

[Ned]

Agree with all of that except the last bit. Don't sell yourself short. Stick around.