Just Want To Go North...

[Aprooster74]

It has been two years since I got back. The adventure has been interesting at its worst, and devistating at its best. I cannot say whether I did the things that I did on purpose or unknowingly, but I do know that I did them. The hard part about all of it is that I seem to have very little control of anything. I can think about it in my head and I can know the step by step to get there but I never seem to reach the finish line.

I live each day one at a time. There was a time when I would know my future and be able to tell you what was going to happen and when. I had control. Yes, I know they say that no one ever has control but that is BS at its best. A person can control what is in his own little world, and that is the whole point of life is it not? To be able to enjoy everyday and deal with the unexpected as it hits and move on. I can't do that anymore. I so wish that I could but its just not there, so everyday I get up and ask myself ... Well I will get to that later. It is hard to understand without any background.

I went oversea's for a time and enjoyed the life it had to offer. I do not regret going and never will. I did what had to be done and I was very very good at it. The part that I brought home with me is how vulnerable I truly was. The first time I got hit you could feel the concusion right to the bone. The equipment and armor be damned it went threw me like I was naked and waiting. Did I fail at my duty? No, I did not. I pushed threw it and mission accomplished and the devil be damned he got no one that day if I had a word to say about it, and that day I did. I never really knew what it was that would afect me that day, or the days to follow. I just knew eveyone gets home.

I will continue this later. Right now it is to much remembering is the best way I can say it...

<Font style edited to forum default and full line spaces inserted between paragraphs, by Amethist>

 

[amethist]

Hi Aprooster74.

Welcome to the forum.

From reading what you have posted above, am I right in saying your trauma was from being in the military. If so maybe the Combat PTSD forum would help you too.

Just click on the blue link at the bottom of my reply, and you will find others who know exactly what your going through.

Take care.

Amethist

 

[Aprooster74]

Thank You Amethist (ironic my birth stone with a spelling twist). I really dont know what I want at this point or even where to go. Am rather in a fishing mindset, and a talkative one too. I cannot keep all this inside but then again I dont want to talk to anyone about it either. It is a kind of double edged sword that cuts no matter whether good or bad.

 

[Aprooster74]

Yes they are combat related, but my post was incomplete cause I am not sure if I am ready to share any of it. Do not really know what I want at the moment except to now what a good nights sleep is??? Funny, how the little things matter more then we know...

 

[amethist]

:D Yea the spelling twist is just me being different. If it is your birthstone, then your possibly a Pisces ;)

As for you sharing anything just yet, that is fine, no need to if your not ready. Reading as you go, posting as you wish is OK with us. You being here is the first step on a long road to recovery, but the slower you take it the easier it will be.

Do what you want and can, when you feel more comfortable being here, which wont be long. :)

Take care Amethist

 

[pi314159]

Hi Aprooster74,

Welcome to the forum.

I hope you are able to find comfort and support here.

 

[wife of]

Hi and welcome,lots of folk on here with a military mindset. Take your time and post as and when you are ready.

As a vets wife I've found this site amazingly supportive and its helped me to come out of the dark and into the light a little.

There is hope for you,just need to inch your way out of your cave towards it.

 

[Aprooster74]

The question is how is it that someone can go from being able to dress right dress and know the right from the wrong and life just flows like it should to someone that cannot even remeber to pay bills on time? Makes good money but is always broke? and cannot seem to do anything that is right?
I did what I thought was the thing that needed to be done. I went to those who were suppossed to help and still here I am lost.... I know that the best thing for me is to get intel outside of my own world of thought, but if no one is willing to ask me questions then I am not able to share and am I not still lost in my own world of thought?

Anyway, I post on the COMBAT PTSD site as well. I try to get what is on my mind out and thereby subject myself to scrutiny. Which is good because now I have to answer for what it is that I post, but the funny thing is that what used to be my greatest escape and safety no longer holds the truth that it once did... hhmmm... figure that one out???

 

[Paranoid10]

Dear Aprooster74,
Welcome to the forum. I want you to know I am here for you if you need me. I am a former Soldier who was medically retired from the Service after sustaining service connected injuries, one of which is PTSD. Take your time and do what you are comfortable with. You have reached a place where there is a support system for you. Very Respectfully, Paranoid10.

 

[Aprooster74]

Hey, I gotta go. Keep doing what you do. It is a blessing beyond words to those who you touch. But, As in all that I do I dont know the words nor will the help come otherwise. As they say, help those that you can and hope for the rest, but in truth. Just be there, and you are. Do what you do, it makes a difference.