Just Woke Up From Nightmare That Makes Me Want To Do "the Dog Thing"

[lostforgottensoul]

He is a beauty. What's his name?

Chopper. He was a rescue and came with that name, was gonna change it but he answered to it being 2 yrs old (now almost 5 yrs old) I decided to keep it and now rather fond of it.

Im lucky that he was raised with 4 kids so very VERY gentle with kids and now also very well trained.

I have two dogs and five cats (not sure what I was thinking, but I do love them) .

Wow! A house full for sure! How can one not love their pets? I have 2 cats too (Codee is the calico & Preston the orange & white long haired tabby):

So in my 850 sq ft apartment I have an 80lb muscle machine dog, 2 cats, my parent's annoying chihuahua and 3 adults (me, my dad, and my step mom). A house full for sure so I know the feeling!

 

[mary1979]

I've never read anything more tragic than this thread in my life.

Lostforgottensoul, I just want to pick up all the pieces of you and love you til you are all stuck back together.

I cant imagine your suffering, and I struggle to comprehend how anyone could have anything but total sympathy for your position..

I dont know that I completely understand the fetish that you now find yourself with, but I have found myself over the course of the years fantasizing about different things that were done to me while having sex.

The deep shame I feel when I get pleasure from something so painful and wrong is likely similar to your feelings of revulsion when you find yourself thinking like that, so I can empathise.

Wish I had a solution for you, can only recommend that you try to have as much 'normal' sex as possible and perhaps like I do, use the thoughts as fantasy to help you along a more regular path..

Huge hugs honey xx

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Wish I had a solution for you, can only recommend that you try to have as much 'normal' sex as possible and perhaps like I do, use the thoughts as fantasy to help you along a more regular path..

No worries, I havent done this since I posted this thread. ONE poster posted something that worked and so far has continued to work and uncover a lot of emotions around this.

It wasnt a fetish, it was a ritual; a self re-done ritual but one of the cult's ritual nonetheless.

I just had found a 'fetish' website to play out the ritual which is why getting rid of my dog wouldnt of done a damn thing.

But anyway, I proved I could stop and still own my dog and I did and its now been 2 months and still working, and still not done. But it wasnt a "you have a choice so just stop doing it" with a brain that works on auto piolit. If i had a choice in any of this, I wouldnt of done it to begin with and i wouldnt 'punish' myself for doing it to begin with.

Anyway, just explaining. I appreciate your concern and understanding!

Lostforgottensoul, I just want to pick up all the pieces of you and love you til you are all stuck back together.

:hug: thank you and I wish you could too...i wish I could, or could faster as I suppose thats what im doing, just seems like an impossible feat most of the time.

Long long long road and im barley there...but more towards the core than when I posted this, getting to the middle of it all. So thats good i guess.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

So, lost, the moral of this story is that you are loveable, and valuable, and you don't have to go through this alone. :hug:, if you accept.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

So, lost, the moral of this story is that you are loveable, and valuable, and you don't have to go through this alone.

Beliving that is another story but it always helps to continually hear it! Virtual :hug:s are accepted for sure! :hug:

 

[mary1979]

I apologise if the word fetish was incorrect, it seems offensive even to me now as I say it again.
I think I just didn't know what word to use to describe it, and for myself, I put my own sick fantasy clearly into the 'fetish' box.
I guess though our situations are not so much the same, I was desperately trying to identify with you, as that's my modus operandi, put myself in others shoes, even my perpetrator I can find a way to empathise with.
For me, I find it arousing to think of being dominated by a man, and usually in a manner that is inappropriate for our relationship (for example someone who has power over me but should never exercise that power in a sexual manner) My abuser was my father. There have even been times I've fantasised about the things he did to me that I recall and find it pleasurable.
I thank my lucky stars my fantasy goes only so far as BEING dominated, and not WANTING to dominate, I feel terribly for those who become pedophiles through such abuse and can easily see how it would happen, particularly to a man who is meant to dominate.
I knew a male survivor many years ago who could not achieve an orgasm unless he fantasized about boys the age he was when he was traumatised. He never hurt a child, and sought help from every available avenue, but was shunned as soon as he identified as a pedophile.. I often wonder what happened to him, if he got well or gave in to his urges..

I am rambling lol. I guess I just want you to feel less ashamed.

Though part of me feels like that's the exact reason you post stuff like this, you want to be ashamed, and you want others to be ashamed of you.
You want to feel punished like you were as a kid because deep in your mind that is the human connection you can most identify with..
Were you ever really loved healthily by anyone?

I'm coming at this from my own weakness of course, and could be way of track..
I personally am most comfortable with myself when I am living up to (or down to) my expectations of myself as a total screw up who deserves nothing but loneliness and misery and punishment..

Maybe you feel satisfaction at your own and others self disgust. Kind of like a 'see I told you I was filthy' kind of thing.

The repetitiveness of ritual however is something I don't know a lot about.
That is an OCD trait isn't it? And quite uncontrollable. Is ocd usually triggered by trauma also, I'm not sure?

 

[mary1979]

So, lost, the moral of this story is that you are loveable, and valuable, and you don't have to go t...

Agreed. One the most humble, open and totally honest people I've come across.
Not too many could be so real with themselves, let alone a total forum of strangers.

I thought I was pretty open, but quite sure I couldn't go here.

Very admirable trait and will be what heals all in the end, because it is always denial that holds us back in life xx

 

[Deleted member 33052]

I apologise if the word fetish was incorrect, it seems offensive even to me now as I say it again.
I t...

Great post, Mary. I believe a fetish is simply a desire for something unusual. It's not a bad thing. :)

Reading about your fetish frightens me because I feel the same way, and I don't recall ever being molested. I'm afraid something is going to come up in EMDR that I don't want to know about...

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I apologise if the word fetish was incorrect, it seems offensive even to me now as I say it again.

Wasnt offensive, i dont become offended easliy, was just explaining what it was is all. ;)

I am rambling lol.

Trust me i do my fair share of that!

Though part of me feels like that's the exact reason you post stuff like this, you want to be ashamed, and you want others to be ashamed of you.

No no, it was posted the get it out of shadows and NOT do it. I know the graphicness of my early posts were quite triggering for a lot but it was something I need to do for ME; I need to get it "out there" to the world if you will, out of me, someone other than my therapist to know about, so it was no longer the secert that ate me alive!

I couldnt move until i did, except in tight little circles. Sometimes taking a step but mostly it was just tight fast circles.

I also needed to know that I could be accepted. All of "this" (not just this post...my entire past) and still be accepted as my family left and dont speak to me because of it. Im the "crazy liar"; except im the first "crazy liar" ive ever met that told the truth!

Were you ever really loved healthily by anyone?

Nope...

Kind of like a 'see I told you I was filthy' kind of thing.

Well i do that too but more of my abandonment stuff, push people away by more like scaring them away and say "see everyone goes away"

The repetitiveness of ritual however is something I don't know a lot about.
That is an OCD trait isn't it?

Not an OCD ritual, a cult ritual, I grew up in a cult.

I thought I was pretty open, but quite sure I couldn't go here.

Was the only way to get help, and support, amoung the other things i suppose but for me, putting it all out there was the way i could go. Its def not for everyone.

Reading about your fetish frightens me because I feel the same way, and I don't recall ever being molested. I'm afraid something is going to come up in EMDR that I don't want to know about...

I also fantisitze of my abuser, one of them any way, my step dad and our "gentle sex"...unsure of when i will stop calling him my "first love"...

 

[mary1979]

Lol mal content, do you mind me asking are you male or female? I know there's a profile or something I can browse to see myself, but I'm still a little lost on the particulars of the site.

I think you are quite alright in the being dominated 'fetish' department, its fairly common among my non traumatised sexual partners and female friends over the years.

I'm a bit of the mind that most sexual fantasies stem from a need not met, or perhaps met when shouldn't have been in childhood.
But not all would be direct serious trauma.

For example one man I know likes to be dominated simply because his mother was quite dominating and it makes him feel safe and loved.

For me, my fantasy only borders on really f*cked up when I actually get turned on by the thought of my father and the things he did to me. That's too far for me, and is damaging to my healing. I feel it still gives him power over me and will it away at every chance.

Other wise I'm just your usual submissive, want my hair pulled, like to be treated a little rough and enjoy playing the 'innocent little girl'
Probably harmless, and I'm over sensitive.

Damn I'm in a real ramble mood today, sorry, this topic is fascinating to me. I am obsessed with hearing others experiences of sexuality and how theirs came about.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

I'm a woman. I don't really believe that I was molested, but I have large gaps in my memory and my trigger is basically about being held down. Who knows what that's about?

 

[mary1979]

Only if you are comfortable, of course lostforgottensoul, but I would love to hear how you feel ritual within a cult leads to the desire to relive abuse? And how you feel it differs to just being a learned sexual desire. (apologies if you have addressed this previously, to be honest I felt pain so raw reading your earlier posts that I had to skip ahead a page)

I wasn't in a cult per say, but my father very much treated my mother and us girls like we were, he was supreme leader and we were incredibly brainwashed into living by his code.

Nowhere near as horrifically as you, but he would torture us, play us off one another for his affections and did some ritualistic stuff, he was one of those 80's black magic nuts who believed sex, especially with virgins, (he saved my 'cherry' til I was 12 and menstruating though he started the abuse when I was born, I get pleasure from the torture waiting to have me must have bought him haha) would some how help him achieve a state of enlightenment.. Too many magic mushies mate lol
I was lucky enough to get my baby sisters out of their before he took their innocence, so we will never really know if he could meet god thru virginal sex because I fainted when he started to move in me and according to him my unconsciousness wrecked the mojo haha.

If I step over the line here at all please make sure to tell me, I am interested for selfish reasons, I like to understand people, particularly people most wont even try to understand..

Cant help it. Think I'm the only person on the planet who sympathises with those who take guns and shoot up school children..