Keep Getting Taken Advantage Of

[BrandiMarie85]

I keep ending up in relationships with somewhat violent and abusive men with mental illnesses. It's way too much for me to handle. How do I learn to read these ppl better and prevent it from happening in the future? How do I find someone who won't prey on my weakness? It seems like it should be obvious, but it's always amazing, at first. Then something changes.

 

[shimmerz]

but it's always amazing, at first. Then something changes.

I have noticed that abusers come on strong and to expect that the stronger they come on at first, the opposite end of the spectrum will be how it ends.

I have sorted this out by saying NO or challenging these people and watching their reaction. Abusers, narcissists, can't seem to keep their masks on when things don't go their way. Not certain if this is a help to you at all, but it seems that it has worked for me.

 

[Casey_03]

It would help to know more about your background. Do you have PTSD? Have the people you dated had PTSD?

 

[Anarchy]

Hi Brandi Marie
Welcome to the forum:)

Although you haven't said much about yourself, what you have written about the sorts of relationships that you have experienced says a great deal about you.

We tend to endlessly re-enact our traumas.

I'm guessing that you had an abusive childhood or a seriously abusive relationship early on to get you started on picking abusive people as partners? Which I guess answers @Casey_03 's very pertinent questions (we do have an introductions page, It's not compulsory to write an intro, but It gives us a chance to welcome you and it also gives members a better idea of where your coming from, so that they can better answer your questions).

Before other members jump in to tell me that I'm victim blaming you for going for abusive guys... I'd better explain, that when we can see something that we are doing to repeat our traumas

we cease being victims, and can start to change our actions.

I'm guessing that you also got landed with some wierd ideas about your duties towards other people and some big shitty ideas of toxic guilt and shame too?

Abusers seem to be able to smell those poor boundaries and feelings of obligation.

Are you in therapy?
These things can be changed.

 

[EveHarrington]

Take things slow; always take things slow. Abusers oftentimes do the whirlwind thing so that you get caught up in the emotional aspect and don't notice potential red flags. Taking things slow allows you to get to know the person and build trust.

 

[Friday]

Well good on for realizing that whatever it is you're doing? Isn't working.

I would start there, personally.

How long do you spend on your own before looking to date? What's driving you to date? How long do you know these men before dating them? Where are you meeting them & what makes them attractive to you? Are they pursuing you or are you pursuing them? How long is "in the beginning"? (First few weeks/months/years?) What makes you first twig that they're abusive / what warning signs are you missing or ignoring prior to that? How long are you staying with them after twigging? Etc. Look for your own patterns, first. Figuring out other people? Both comes easier, and is less important, than figuring out yourself, first.

Echoing @Casey_03 ... Do you have PTSD or do the people you're dating?

 

[BrandiMarie85]

It would help to know more about your background. Do you have PTSD? Have the people you dated had PTSD?...

I have PTSD from witnessing a murder/suicide in my own family and family home.

 

[BrandiMarie85]

You are right about everything. I had an abusive childhood and it ended in a murder suicide when I was 20. I'm trying really hard to learn how to not be a victim.

 

[BrandiMarie85]

Well good on for realizing that whatever it is you're doing? Isn't working.

I would start there, pe...

I have PTSD. Thx so much for your input.