Keeping tabs on abuser

[flowerapple]

I wasn't sure where to post this but anyway.... I have this thing where sometimes I feel I have to know where my abuser is. I don't know why I do it really, I just want to know physically where he is compared to where I am. Sometimes I don't have a reason other than I just want to know. I don't know if this makes any sense at all. I don't even live in the same place as him, but still I feel the need to do it, and it worries and bothers me if I don't. I know it sounds a bit stalker-ish but I'm not a stalker, really. But I just wanted to know if anyone else does this, and if so, would you mind sharing why (if you feel like to)?

 

[somerandomguy]

I think this is very, very common.

It took me about six or seven years to stop obsessively reading my abuser's blogs, stop looking at her MySpace and Facebook pages, and quit googling anything having to do with her - daily. It took another few years to stop doing all of it weekly.

I think for me it was hypervigilance. Even though we didn't live anywhere close to each other, I could reassure myself that I wasn't going to accidentally run into her. It also gave me some kind of misplaced feeling of control over her when I knew exactly where she was and what she was doing.

Of course, it was totally unhealthy and the ultimate result was that it kept me thinking and ruminating about her 24 hours a day.

You're not a stalker. You've been badly hurt and are trying to protect yourself and get back some kind of feeling of control over your life. But that kind of control is an illusion. It's definitely something to bring up with your therapist if you have one.

 

[Kubash16]

I think it’s absolutely normal and like SRG said has a lot to do with control and hyper vigilance.

If my main abuser were still alive I would certainly be in the same boat as you. I thank the universe he is dead. That being said you would think that would make me calm knowing factually that I don’t have to look over my shoulder. Instead I have nightmares/daydreams all the time of him being back.

So I feel ya.

 

[rosey]

I google mine at least once a week. He 'disappeared' from facebook last year which was strange.

I feel like I need to keep an eye out, make sure he has not moved nearer to me and also not working with children. If it wasnt for my mums lies he would be in jail so it drives me mad that he is roaming free and knows he got away with it.

 

[flowerapple]

Thank you guys for responding. It really helps knowing that I’m not going crazy when I keep doing this. I know it’s unhealthy but I just can’t seem to stop it. It’s like I have to know in order to keep me sane. Thanks

 

[rosey]

Thank you guys for responding. It really helps knowing that I’m not going crazy when I keep doing this. I know it’s unhealthy but I just can’t seem to stop it. It’s like I have to know in order to keep me sane. Thanks

I had a long session with my therapist a few years ago saying the exact same thing. A previous therapist said that it was not healthy behaviour etc and that I should stop doing it. However my last therapist was actually really supportive of it, she explained that it was part of a safety mechanism for me to know that he was not near me and how is it possible not to be curious about someone who has had such a major inpact on your life.

 

[Friday]

I periodically check and see if certain people are dead, yet.

Beyond, that, not really.

It’s usually a sign my head is more in the past than the present.