General Keeping The Marriage Together - Irrational Fears

[OneLittleBirdie]

Due to some pretty extreme disrespect from my parents (calling him controlling, and subjecting him to triggers of his anaphylaxis-level pet allergies), my husband is now convinced that my parents are out to get him, or that they will kill me and blame him for it. From my perspective, they don't particularly like him, and they like my sister and her dog more, so they'll ignore his health concerns and bring dander everywhere. Currently he is not speaking to them at all.

But what threatening to tear our marriage apart, as he wants me to agree to never let them set foot on our property EVER, until he decides so (which he has stated firmly is no less than 8-10 years from now).
Yet, it's 100% OK to let me build a relationship with them anywhere else, just not on the property. Yet in another conversation, he'll admit he's terrified they'll kill me and blame him!

I've told him I'm OK with "not allowing them on the property until they demonstrate respectful behavior towards you", but he says that's not good enough, and I'm choosing them over him. I disagree - I just feel that since he is 100% avoiding any interaction with them, he will NEVER respect them again, and therefore he needs to have some level of trust in me, and be willing to consider/accept that perhaps they can change. Instead, he insists they are faking, lying, and 'out to get him'.

Since I told off my parents and set firm boundaries regarding respecting ME, they have shown good signs of improvement. I'm not going to believe they will be perfect, or that it will last, but I'm hopefully cautious.

And so there we are on different pages again - I feel they are making progress, and want to give them some small amount of trust, while he 100% believes they are just playing nice until they can hurt him.

It's also manifesting itself in other ways - my husband has cut himself off from any friend who has/gets a pet, saying they 'chose it over him', and thus he has to remove himself from the health risk. It's gotten to the point he's now considering abandoning his best friend.

Any tips on how to navigate this? So far I've tried to be reassuring, give him lots of hugs, but then gently force him to look at what BEHAVIOURS he really is fearing, while irrational solution he has proposed, and then brainstorm more reasonable solutions, and select one of them for action.

 

[BigBear]

Is he accepting the alternatives that you are brainstorming. I think that it would be important to an initial agreement.

 

[OneLittleBirdie]

Well, there have been more than a few 'fears' popping up recently.

The smaller ones - yes, he's accepted a few alternatives I proposed. As for alternatives for the BIG issue - he's still in fight or flight mode, and hasn't entertained the idea of alternatives.

I'm trying to gently nudge him into coming up with alternatives HIMSELF, to break him out of his black/white-options cycle, though its hard because he 'feels bummed out' after reaching a positive alternative solution. I think he's struggling with feelings of shame in not thinking of the ideas himself, or for being unable to cope in the first place? (But he hasn't said so directly to me.)

So I'm struggling, but I think I'm seeing some progress in him?

I'm going slow because I feel its important he doesn't feel rushed, but at the same time I'm trying to ensure he doesn't get stuck in a rut of feeling 'trapped' by his own "all or nothing" options.

 

[a3a2]

Has he gotten adequate help for his severe allergy? Are his fears that your parents out to kill you based on any specific history or evidence? Is he going to therapy? His behavior seems pretty extreme, but then again, so does his allergy...for now, I think I would try to side step the argument, respect his wishes to keep your family out of the house and connect with them elsewhere, and above all, get him some help!

 

[OneLittleBirdie]

My parents accused him of being controlling when he walked away rather than argue with him over the severity of his allergy. It culminated after a christmas dinner where my parents and my sister were mocking him and calling his allergy fake, while we discovered they'd lied and exposed him to allergens (dog had been snuck into an apartment). We ended up taking him to emergency shortly therafter. Sadly, his allergies appear to be getting worse not better, and my parents preferred to believe he is simply 'faking'. I've stood by him in validating the severity of his allergies. My parents opinion may be changing, but it is too soon to tell, though they did start talking about getting rid of the dog in the near future, and cleaning their house of dander (when previously they had refused).
We FINALLY, after 4 years of trying, got a doctor to agree to give him allergy shots. However, he had a severe allergic reaction to his skinprick allergy test, and he ended in the hospital after THAT. So now he's even more terrified of dying, unwilling to try the shots, and all doctors will say is 'avoid pets'. It's not an instant-death allergy, but over the course of say, an hour, he'll definitely have significant trouble breathing enough that allergy meds and an inhaler don't work, only an epi pen will.

My parents have repeatedly demonstrated they'd rather have a dog than a son-in-law. Considering how horrible his own parents were (worst of the worst), he feels he's been abandoned by my parents too. While I'll admit to being bare-hand-spanked as a child, having parents that preferred to yell rather than discuss, I've never EVER felt my life was in danger.

Sidestepping the argument has only led to him making offhand comment about how if i don't 'choose him', he's going to leave me, so it's not a viable option.

We're seeing a counsellor on Monday, so I'm hoping she can help. I know he loves me dearly, and he's repeated commented that his desire for divorce is more because he "can't deal" with the stress anymore than anything.

But he sees relationships (and fears) as black or white. While I've accepted I'll never be as close to my parents as I'd like, I've accepted that I can have some positive experiences with them if i keep them in my life. In contrast, he feels they are just 'fakers', and 'unless its a 100% open honest relationship, its not worth having and you should write them out of your life".

(Initially, he'd told me "I'm through with your parents, go get the help YOU need from counsellors, etc. You can have a relationship with them, its fine." But lately it seems more and more things related to said relationship are causing him stress. Ie, he's not 100% ok with me having a relationship with them. But yet, *I'm* not ready to abandon trying to have a relationship with my parents. But if i go visit them, he has (in my view, unfounded) nightmares of them hurting me, feels abandoned, etc.

 

[Toria]

This is going to be a bit of a general answer, but I have found that my Husband has general abandonment fears and belief that everyone is either out to get him or the world is conspiring against him. In small doeses I'd say these are normal - but not to the extent he can take them and I can see some of him in what you post.

I am sorry that he's putting you through this - someone who loves you should not try to make you choose between him and your own family. I do hope the Councillor helps him to see he is being unreasonable and I hope your parents start to treat him with respect too x

 

[OneLittleBirdie]

Thanks Toria - I'm trying to be patient as if we don't discuss the subject, he's back to my normal, loving, affectionate husband. So I really do beleive the "parents thing" is a PTSD trigger, and since his best coping mechanism atm is distance/running away, he's struggling as not working. I think with new coping tools he'll be able to weather this out.

 

[The Albatross]

Being an allergy sufferer myself, I can understand why your spouse does not feel safe around your family. It is not up to him to set boundaries about your parents, it is up to you to do that and to keep doing it until your sister and parents are respectful as well as reliably safe and agree to attempt to limit his exposures and try to guard against a medical crisis because that is the right thing to do for your spouse.

I've only had one very close brush with anaphylaxis and I can tell you that it took a lot of presence of mind to deal with it. I can understand why he is fearful. Your parents have demonstrated they are not safe for him to be around.

 

[OneLittleBirdie]

@The Albatross - as I said, my husband has 100% removed himself from dealing iwth my parents.
I have set boundaries with my parents since the hospital incident, and at the moment, they appear to be meeting them.

My concern is that since the anaphylaxis, my husband has been shedding any/all of his BEST friends who have allergies, and accusing them of 'valuing a pet more them him, therefore not worth his time', and basically making himself a shut-in as a result.
I think it's important that while friends may be 'best friends', we all have individual lives, and in at least one instance, the friends got pets because they were isolated and lonely, and the pets were able to provide comfort when we could not. They did not get the pets to 'hurt' my husband, as he currently states. He has largely abandoned the idea of communicating with these friends, saying its not even worth communicating via skype, email, online, etc. The few times we've met outside after asking them to shower and change clothes, they did still have some dander on them, and my husband reacted. Rather than assume dander would follow them (as the cats are indoor, long hairs), he went straight to "they lied because they don't beleive me about my allergies".

He is also becoming more and more fearful, to the point he has suggested we must buy a 2nd car if I want to visit people with pets, despite the fact that a trip to the car wash & vacuum removed the allergens from the car and he was OK to be in it.
As well, the doctor's seem confused that he does not appear to show the major signs of anaphylaxis when admitted to the hospital, and they had never heard of anaphylaxis occuring HOURS after a skin-prick allergy test. Currently, we are hoping this is because he has already taken his epi-pen.

So what I'm saying is, from my perspective, its clear that his fear of dying is triggering his PTSD and causing him to have overblown fears, that are quite irrational. Eg, his fear of my parents killing me is unfounded. I lived with them for YEARS, without any physical harm. (I do not consider a light spanking harm, and I am not open to debate that at this time). I hugged them a week ago and felt quite safe and loved.
Our property is adjacent to landowners with pets (cats and dogs), that have on more occaision come on our property, and that we have horses (which he is SEVERELY allergic to) across the street. Yet he has not experienced anaphylaxis standing on the street, or working on the property. Though just recently, he started making statements suggesting that if the pet came on our property again, it might not live. Again, the change in behavior is concerning. And there does appear to be a bit of a link between his stress levels + his allergic response.

What I have requested is to simply be allowed to talk to my parents from the TIP of our acreage, out in the open, while he is far away and out of harms way. Not in the house (which isnt even built yet), just standing on the very corner of it. To be able to plant trees, and not have to tell them my husband has taken a restraining order against them, againt my will. (And I wil note, a restraining order has not been necessary to date - my parents have ceased any/all communication with him, as per his wishes. They do still ask me about him though, so I do believe at least some part of them cares.)

Make sense?

 

[The Albatross]

To you it does, and that's what counts.

It was typical for me to have a reaction hours after not only the skin prick allergy testing but my immuno therapy. Apparently after doing it enough times, they decided I was "atypical".

The thing about my own allergic reactions is this: I have an off the chart blood histamine level but a very functional immune system. My immune system works to beat the band but it tipped over to a varying degree of reaction depending on how much I've been exposed to. Sometimes I react, sometimes I don't but when I do, boy oh boy.

I don't think it't a big surprise that your partner doesn't have a problem on adjacent property or in the open air around things like horses that he is allergic to. I can for limited exposures be fine with some things, but not at other times.

Granted I think there is some over zealousness going on, and an irrational fear of some sort (or a manipulation because if he can get you to think your parents are going to kill you, he'll get his way and his safety will be assured if you cut off contact). It does though seem he is grabbing at straws for some way to feel safe and self assured that he's not going to have an episode.

I don't envy him the use of the epi pen... Personally I have had a couple of times where I wouldn't use it and toughed it out (because breathing difficulty is not my norm and neither is anaphylaxis. My allergist read me the riot act and asked me why I didn't use it. I told him, I'm more afraid of the emergency room than I am having difficulty breathing, but if I turned blue or gray I told my husband to call 911. (Yep, true story.)

I do think though you are confusing what concentrations of allergens may be indoors versus out of doors. I do quite well out of doors, even during pollen season. What I don't do well is indoor air quality, feathers, dust, dirt, and some fragrances. I have learned on my own what I can tolerate and limit my time to my mother's house for instance to 2 1/2 hours or less.

I was there yesterday for 2 hours and 20 minutes. I had an allergic reaction and pretty much felt like crap today. So it isn't an exact science by any means. This isn't a criticism, it is feedback based on my own experience. I'm allergic to over 250 things. But that being said, his communication is poor, this threat making is out of bounds, and his attempts to cut you off from your family is wrong headed.

As far as his fear of dying... um, it is a legitimate concern, though is reactions may be over the top. He though has a legitimate health issue because of that, some anxiety/fear/stress is normal and natural. Not perhaps to the level he's taking it. But I can understand it, considering what my own experience with it is.

That's all I got.

It is sad though that you are between your partner and your parents. That is a very difficult and unpleasant to be. I hope things will level out for you and that you will be able to maintain a relationship with your parents and sister without the snarking or threats.

 

[OneLittleBirdie]

@TheAlbatross - No, i do understand that allergens are (for him) less of a concern outdoors. I'm just concerned that he's not being consistent, eg that he can work on the property when we go there together, but its still 'unsafe' for my parents to be on the property, even when he's not there. I wish I could 'see' his reaction better (as other than a hoarse voice it's all internal), but I do trust him and try to support him as best I can when he says he needs drugs, hospital admission, etc. (Tho i admit i get cranky after being woken up at 3am to go to the hospital...Im bitchy when overtired, and after 5 horus in a hospital *I* want a bed to sleep in!

So current goal is to a) ensure he feels safe, b) help him gain/retain an ability to take a step back from "Fear! Dying!" and think about how to minimize his fears, and c) help him get, in general, help coping with his triggers (my current guesses being feeling of being abandoned by my parents, and fear for his life as I suspect he is thinking MY PARENTS == his abusive parents).