Killed My Brother

[hapa_gurl87]

wow

wow thats one story you got. I cant imagine the amount of suffering you have gone through to get to this point in your life. I can tell it all stems back to an early age when your brother was killed. I hope you can get all the help you need. Because i believe you're going to need alot of it. I hope your wife is in good hands and shes ok. Please take care of yourself and do whatever it takes to heal your conscience because thats where you get the deepest wounds

 

[jrgm13]

killed my brother

we went to see the immigration lawyer on april 25th and things are not as bad i had immagined, but we are still in this limbo state. the lawyer is a woman who comes from peru and saved maria from deportation about seven years ago. but after 9/11 ICE has increased their effort to deport "criminal aliens". she told me that she was afraid of meeting me because i copied what i wrote and the responses from some of you people here. i also sent her some details of my early years after i killed my brother and she was afraid. i know that i am doing the right thing by visiting this sight. some of you people have had much more to deal with than i have and i feel guilty that i can't just suck it up and get on with it. my wife, maria, isn't bothered by any of the trouble that i have caused her. after 20 years she tells me that she loves me and that i'm not going to hell and burn forever (that's what i still get from my mother). i have so much anxiety and worry constantly. i worry most about something happenning to maria ( car accident, illness, ect). she's the only person who ever said that they loved me and i know that she means it. i guess i just have to read some of the stuff that you all have had to deal with and how you handle it all. so i'll be here checking you out. it sure can't hurt. got my blood pressure down to a narmal rate and my heartbeat is running at about half the rate that it was when i went off the seroquel (without the medication the gave me to control it. anyone else have experience with this seroquel? they had me on 800 MG a day. anyways later.

 

[nickeldoor]

jrgm13 - You are a wise and brave man seeking help - this is admirable. Do not give up at this moment, we are all sufferers from the past, and the best part is that we are all kind-hearted human beings, and we are so, because of the direct effects we personally experienced ourselves. Deep down inside our hearts, we still believe that we will triumph and win over those scars that were inflicted by those people. That's why we are seeking help!

Believe in yourself and we are all here to hear you out.

 

[Angelfire]

I have to be honest, I live in South Africa where race is still a massive issue.

It takes generations for such things to right themselves!

If I were you, I would do everything in my power to move to friendlier waters!
I was in a similar position where the abuse was consistent and I had absolutely no power to effect any kind of change.

I wanted to move but my family and mentors dissuaded me saying 'the grass is never greener on the other side'.

In the end I made the move and guess what: The grass may not be greener on this side, but at least the fertilizer here helps me grow!

just my two cents... hope it helps.

 

[nickeldoor]

Changing Ourselves First

AngelFire, true - if everybody around you is so toxic and unfriendly, it would be hard to change them. Rather, it's easier to change ourselves. I have tried changing people around me for years, and I think it's very ineffective and useless. So I finally learn a lesson that all people have the rights to their own thinking and feelings, and if we don't like it, we can choose to stay away (not totally obstracise them). So, when someone comes to me and talk about a beautiful future, I would be cynical/skeptical about a beautiful future, because of my past experience. And I think the best way for others to change is that they will need to understand their experience and follow their gut feelings to change it - it's like an auto-pilot system. However, not many people are willing to change because of their strongly embedded belief system deep inside them.

The reason why I think people (even our close ones), always dissuade us according to their beliefs/thinking is that they are afraid that we will leave them lonely and we will be more successful and happier than them. I was brought up as a distorted and abused child, and when my friends are changing, I am so unhappy and afraid that they will 'win' me. Well, psychologically, I finally understand that in life, it's very difficult to be truely happy, unless we choose to thread the path that makes us happy. So individually, we are all so individual that what i think/feel is happy for me may not be happy for others. I have since overcome this feeling. Yes!

Hope this info helps us to be trueful to ourselves.