Relationship Kind Of At An Empass Here..

[Serasen333]

I am not sure what to do anymore. My husband gets angry about anything or anyone that takes my attention away from him.

It used to be my gaming when I wasn't working, now its the nook he bought me for my birthday and also work.

He wanted me to get a job or hobby outside the house so he could have alone time an I've struggled with that because I have been permanently disabled since I met him. But I have been working lately.

When I get home he tries to have conversations with me but I am still trying to destress from the job. He will just keep talking to me and if I don't give him my undivided attention and make eye contact he gets angry.

I know he has ptsd and has certain needs and I really love him...but when do I get time for me? I am so exhausted and emotionally drained from fighting every day for almost 2 weeks that I am no longer sure I can keep the job. Hell I am no longer sure I can keep my husband.

I am stll dealing with raw feelings from being told I am a selfish bitch c*** and he would beat the s*** out of me if I provoked him again. I go over and over to try and figure out how I provoked him, then just feel hurt all over again when I hear the words in my head. :/

Everything he does and says seems ti fit the ptsd but he won't entertain the idea of going back to a therapist or doctor and hates the idea of taking meds. I am trying not to push it but two straight weeks everyday of this is just unbearable.


I don't mean to sound like I am complaining. I guess I just need to vent to people who get it.

 

[Laurie McLaughlin]

Well it sounds like symptoms my father had - where did your husband get PTSD from?

 

[kyara]

Dear Serasen, I used to be in your position with a man who does not have ptsd. I first tried to talk about it with him, and it continued. I then went out of my way to "destress" before I see him, and even then, if it is not one thing it is another.

There were times that yelling got bad and I literally, ran away from his apartment. Because I have no place to go, I used to hide in parks at night, stay the night on rooftops because I was afraid to go back. I would go back, eventually, because I have no choice, and he would be very sorry and I would forgive him and 2 or 3 months down the road, this would happen all over again.

Finally, I ended the relationship after 2.5 years. He would point problems to me and get me to go to therapist. After a while, I realize I cannot take it anymore, I ceased to believe he is going to change.

I think for a relationship to work, whether with ptsd or not, both people has to put effort into it. Otherwise, it's too one-sided and we end up going round in round in circles. The one doing all the work eventually gets tired and calls it quit. In fact, I only began to recall these memories of running away after about a year since I was blocking these instances out of my life.

In my "relationship" with my ptsd man, he is completely out of touch at the moment and again, I can't put all the effort in to make things work. I am here for him. He needs to take his time and learn to find safety in our relationship too!

I hope my sharing offers you strength and alternative ideas to make your relationship work.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

I'm SO sorry Serasen...I just want you to know that I read what you wrote, and my heart goes out to you!! I hope you will come here to 'vent', so that you won't feel alone. You are NOT alone! Many of us have suffered unimaginable pain, and though the causes are different, heartache is still heartache!!!

:hug: Sending Hugs if you will accept them...:hug:

I am praying that peace, and blessings will come your way!! SOON!!:)

 

[Promicarus]

It may be no comfort to you at all, especially at this point, as your own pain/trauma from the raw experience with your husband is so fresh---but experiences like the ones you describe are not at all uncommon in relationships with sufferrers of trauma/PTSD. In fact, a hallmark of the trauma sufferer is difficult relationships, and a history of many broken beyond repair.

There is a "supporters" secfion of this forum, as well as many forums for supporters/partners of those suffering from histories of trauma. I hope you will do yourself the favor of seeking out these sources of support, as the support of those we relate to directly is vitally important to the experience as most beneficial.

You have every right to vent, to feel your own pain and stress is justified, regardless of the fact of your husbaband's own illness/symptoms. In fact, as I have heard from supporters, myself--one of the most stressful aspects of being in an intimate relationship with a sufferer is the very fact that the average perception of one in that role is that as they are the "well one"/caretaker....they have no right to feel stressed by their own circumstances, and the routinely challenging nature of the symptoms of their loved one--who, instead, has "the right to their own complaints". That kind of isolation and lack of outlet/resonance can be a lonely place, indeed.

I wish I some set of magic words of instant comfort or profound, liberating insight I could pass on to you which would ease your burden. But the fact is that being in a relationship with a trama sufferer is notoriously demanding, stressful, and often disillusioning. Please give yourself permission to have your own needs, and care for yourself. Speaking as a sufferrer, myselkf, I believe I'm qualifed to assure you that another's condition does not give them carte blanche to resort to indulge in behavior harmfulto others. They say "we only hurt the ones we love"...and as hurt people, trauma sufferer's pain, rage, fears seems more likely to be vented against their loved ones than at others.

Without the insight and comfort of those who understand, such an upside down world can be not only lonely, but quickly become too mucn to bear.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Promicarus makes us all sound like physically and emotionally abusive people. I assure you, not all sufferers act that way by physically threatening others. Replies like his actually make me a bit sad because they feed into the media stereotype about how people with PTSD are all violent. But I digress.

If he won't change and won't get help, I think you need to ask yourself if you can live like this for the rest of your life.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

From your post he sounds violently abusive - PTSD is no excuse and certainly does not justify it. You need to put yourself first and find safety and peace for yourself - an abusive, controlling relationship is no place for anyone to stay and respect is a two way street. I know you might not want to hear that and you don't have to follow my advice, but I personally believe staying in this relationship is not good for your health now or in the long term - if he won't change, maybe you need to. Good luck.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Why do you feel that you shouldn't complain?

As Solara indicated, it is wrong that people generalise about how PTSD symptoms manifest. Symptoms make life extremely difficult, but there is still a person there that has responsibilities for their own behavior, as do you.

From what you say, he is not getting help to change this situation, and you are not creating boundaries to change this situation. In this way, you are both enabling this behavior to continue. Which is unhealthy for him and you, and also for the relationship.

Like any relationship, compromise is needed by both parties. You need to say what you want and what you are unwilling to live with, and he needs to do the same (perhaps make a list). Then you both need to look at the others list and see how far you are willing to give and take, and hopefully come up with an agreement between you.

Threatening you with violence is not acceptable on any level.

 

[Lost Again]

This post makes me sad. It reminds me of my last relationship with a sufferer. Feeling so pushed and pulled. And ultimately used. How could I have had a relationship with someone who intimidates me when they want something I can't or don't want to offer? I don't think understanding him better will help you.

 

[Promicarus]

@Solara

Wow. Some anger there, it would seem-unusual?:

Promicarus' post makes us all sound like physically and emotionally abusive people

I'd be very interested to learn how my post did anything like that. A more careful read of my actual words might be better:

I never once, for example, even used the tern "abusive" in my post--as Solara accuses...much less "physically" abusive.
Such a claim leveled again anyone without grounds, is irresponsible, indeed.

From my post :

..experiences like the ones you describe are not at all uncommon in relationships with sufferers of trauma/PTSD

"Not at all uncommon" is a very far cry from "all". My claim that conflict and difficulties in general are "not uncommon" is widely supported not only by academic studies, but by very nearly every authoritative text relating to trauma-treatment/recovery. In fact, I'd be very interested to know of any source which either fail to support my above statement, or for that matter, even fail to mention difficulties with relationships as common to the condition.

Replies like his actually make me a bit sad because they feed into the media stereotypes about how people with PTSD are all violent

Obviously, as venues such as this, "free forums", are open to the public, and readily accessible, almost any and every variety of contribution can be expected. And and such, comments can obviously range widely from the helpful, to the frankly aberrant. There's every reason therefore to avoid attaching any real significance to any single one, much less point in attributing any real importance to irresponsibility, as it seems all the more likely to appear in relation to almost any given instance, than not to.

But to make claims that another has made blanket statements indicting "all" members of any group s "violent" and "abusive" is not only reckless and irresponsible, when such claims are without support...and so every indication as to the fundamentally compromised nature of the source...but when casually leveled at an actual sufferer of the condition which that sufferer himself is being accused of impugning...and when it is one as close to the heart and fraught with prejudices already, as is trauma-recovery...such claims move from simple irresponsibility into viciousness, in their lack of any regar for common decency, much less the sensitivity which, as sufferers, we'd hope to expect on forums for other sufferers of a condition so emotionally and politically charged, already.

Everyone is entitled to a bad day. Especially us...and especially here: we should, after all, be able to lash out in pain at others who understand, having come from the same place, and expect patience and tolerance.

But without "taking the bait", at all, and feeding into Solara's ire, now made regularly apparent through it would seem more and more regular outbursts directed at other members of the site--which seem, as well, regularly based upon specious if not nonexistent grounds, and unfounded accusations (I've been witness to several, myself, and I believe she has been temporarily banned for same, as well)......

...I will say this: as literally anyone has access to the internet now, anything can be expected...and trauma sufferers especially can be expected to resort to behavior fueled by anger and resentment, I customarily do not bother even with a direct reply posts which specifically address my own, much less those obviously evincing either irresponsibility, or mean-spiritedness, in doing so...

But even for Solara- wantonly accusing one recovering from PTSD of vilifying other sufferers...both casually and completely without support....is a new low.

Solara...if you've yet to recognize this as a problem, and as very likely indicative of much deeper, and far worse problems...then you indeed TRULY have a problem. If you're not even going to attempt to avoid lashing out at members on a site intended as a safe place for sensitive people...at least grow up enough to be responsible about it, when you do so...at least to the point that your post's accusations have some minimal basis in fact.

In your fairly transparent attempts to attract attention through promoting conflict,@Solara, you have certainly attracted mine. It may be that you are even now only chuckling in self-satisfaction, as is generally the reaction of such types when their own "pokes" at others draw the intended reactions.

If only it were a matter of one "simply having a bad day"..@Solara, do you ever have a GOOD one?

 

[Serasen333]

I appreciate everyone's replies whether it is advice, comforting words or questions. I feel like I can actually just say what I am thinking and be frank here, very much unlike anywhere else in my daily life.

I know my husband truly loves me. For reasons that are understandable he doesn't want to deal with the underlying pain that is causing chaos. I just think once he admits he can't deal with it all on his own and accepts help, we can start to have the life we so badly want together.

I just get frustrated and exhausted at times when I feel like it will never get better. I have left before so after leaving and always coming back to each other I no longer question if I want to be with him...of course I do. I love him.

I am just thankful for forums like these that serve so many in a time of need. And thank you all for the support and caring words.

Today he said he would like to make me a representative over his health plan and is talking about me being his caregiver. This means at least he's willing to contemplate dealing with the VA. Its a small step, but a step nonetheless. :)

 

[kyara]

representative over his health plan and is talking about me being his caregiver

Wonderful! It sounds like a big step forward to me :)

There is a saying in my culture, "the neck has more control than the head" because the neck can turn and direct the head. I wish you the very best.