Knowing If You Are On The Right Path

[Thinkingman85]

Saffy, I feel like those people want me to conform to them or pamper them. It's hard if I have opposing viewpoints as them. I think any change is considered threatening by the average person. So, in turn, the person would consider what you are doing is wrong. I think if you are able to be comfortable around them, that is a sign of strength.

 

[saffy]

Saffy, I feel like those people want me to conform to them or pamper them.

ahhhh, so their acceptance of people is conditional and only based on their own satisfaction.

I think you might have recognised that there should not be conditions like this to friendship and so this behaviour now seems alien, you will not find this again so stop looking for it, and you are also not doing what they want like a performing monkey.

If you have anything in common with them now or even want to continue in their company you would only continue with their conditions of friendship, which is obviously now causing you personal inner conflict, you have grown into a individual in your own right.

People like this are happy as long as you conform to their ways, although you have your own mind now and might not want to, or are there as entertainment value and without you they will not have a good time. So when you decide not to pamper to their needs they get all indignant and arsy about it and try to put on the guilt trips to make you conform to their needs again. I think you have grown and recognised this now.

Personal growth is great and change is always inevitable.

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Thinkingman85]

Thanks for the insight. What concerns me is that this behavior s correlated with how society operates. I'd like to be a part of society, unique in my own right, but not an outcast. Finding this balance can be a challenge.

 

[saffy]

I can understand that.

I think I have to start looking for other types of people to get to know, even some that make me feel out of my comfort zone at times, like someone in authority or well educated or people who are confident enough not to feel they have to get wasted to have a good time. ;)

I have written down all the good and bad qualities to look for in a person so that I can recognise these easier and make better judgements. For instance, I think that constantly gossiping about other people a bad quality. I would never feel safe talking to this person and quite frankly I am not interested in sitting gossiping about other people and spreading rumours.

I watch people more carefully and if I notice good qualities I make more effort with them, if they display bad qualities I can walk away and not acknowledge them at all. If they are already in the crowd I will be pleasant but will not go any closer or inviting. I do not want these types in my life properly.

Some I cannot avoid, like rude shop keepers I just pity their attitude and think they must be miserable as sin in their lives, Good miserable old git ;)

I guess I am becoming less naive or trusting of peoples motives. I am also learning to trust my own judgements and feel confident in sticking by them. It all helps :)

Saffy :)

 

[Thinkingman85]

yep, with self trust comes better trust in relationships.

 

[JustBe]

"I don't think PTSD is going to define me. I think it is going to continue to be a catalyst for personal growth."

I think that this is quite profound and healthy. Also, remember that facebook is an artificial world where "friendship" is more of a label than a true reflection of a real relationship.

About meds; I have gone the AD and PRN route so that I could continue to beat myself to death in a dead end soul sucking job. It's NOT worth it!

The best thing we can do for the world is to regain our health and then contribute in a healthy way.

JMHO

 

[Sailorgal]

Hey TM,

My question was in reference to see if there was anything triggering it. I know you haven't forgotten. Some things amplify what we are feeling already. Or when you feel you achieve some progress, it makes you digress.

I was thinking about friends I have now and truthfully, a few are pretty off themselves. Sadly, others don't see it until they get close. Many people have issues maybe not diagnosed or that they are unaware or in denial of. They may have a tough time being a good friend or "normal" as well.

 

[Thinkingman85]

The environment I live in is a trigger. It keeps old memories alive. I don't know why my depression has persisted for so long... What I'm trying to achieve right now is just a stable feeling that I am sane (according to my own standard and possibly society's). There's a lot of pent up emotions that I believe have threatened my sanity. These emotions need released or processed. Intellectually, believing that you want to succeed in life is one thing, but feeling internally that you want to succeed is a different story. I used to feel like I wanted to succeed. There was a drive... a motivation. I hope that I can get back to that point.

I think people can change over time, but the edge doesn't disappear. I think it can for some. I think life can knock the edge loose. I'm trying to get that edge back. I did so many more things than I do now. It was the edge... My edge is like Austin Power's mojo. In the past, certain people told me that I was no good or I wasn't good enough. I felt rejected by certain people. Slowly, the edge faded away. I wish I knew how to get these wounds taken care of. They are leaving me imbalanced. I know this. Ever since the PTSD developed, I haven't been able to live a stable life with the edge.

I feel like my wick burnt out and certain people put it out. I have to get it relit or else I can't live a normal life. For the time being, I'll enjoy life in my situation. I know there is much more I can do though. There's just things outside of my control that I can't understand that threatens my sanity and I have to get them taken care of... It's not schizophrenia, it's PTSD.

 

[timid_flower]

timid_flower, the alternative would be to get revenge on all of those that did me wrong.

I get how revenge can be appealing. There was a point when I was very, very angry. What I was going through was someone else's fault. This had been done to me, and the people responsible just went on about their lives while mine was falling apart.

However, revenge wouldn't have solved anything. IMO, with PTSD we feel lost. We don't know who we are anymore. Things that were once so easy for us become nearly impossible. We lose confidence in ourselves, our thoughts and our emotions. While revenge may bring temporary gratification, it really isn't a solution to those problems. If anything, I think it causes more.

Personally had I focused on getting revenge instead of therapy, I would have completely lost myself. I'm not a vindictive person, nor do I want to become one. It would have destroyed me.

If the choice is between what you are doing now or revenge, I think you are on the right path. Best wishes Thinkingman :)

 

[Sailorgal]

What is it about your environment that's triggering? Or is it more that it brings about certain emotions thus reminding you of the pain of losing your parents and thus going down that tunnel of despair? I'm getting at the chain in which it happens. If it is directly triggering (i.e. golf clubs that you used playing with your dad), then it's best you remove then from your presence. Other things may affect you differently day to day.

 

[Thinkingman85]

timid_flower, I haven't gotten revenge, but it is hard getting back to normal for me.


Sailorgal, I think part of it has to with reconnecting to what I used to do. I used to eat very healthy. I used to be in college. I use to be more social. I use to go out much more. I use to work toward a goal. Now, it's like there is a fear response if I get back into those things. I had a breakdown six years ago and I am hesitant in feeling that I can do it again. My brother became an idiotic drug addict after my parents deaths. A gay man tried to take advantage of me sexually which makes me question my sexual identity every day (even though I don't want to). I feel like my innocence has been robbed. I don't know how to get back on the normal road. I'm hiking in rugged terrain. My parents deaths never affected me this much. Sometimes, I think I just hold on to the pain as an excuse. Honestly, I continue to feel better on Prozac. It seems like six years ago, my circumstance caused my sanity to be threatened and I fell into a deep depression. Since then, I've been trying to regain that back. Medication might be the only answer. It's the only thing that is actually making me feel more balanced. Everything else seems like encouraging things along the side. It's all a culmination, but it seems like the medication might be the only thing that will be able to dig out the baggage. Talking, therapy, and learning may be the clean up crew. I just hope that I continue feeling better.

 

[Sailorgal]

But is you're current environment hindering you? Or is it just your lifestyle that has changed? Due to the depression, you don't want to go out and be social. That's not triggering.

Other than talking, has your T suggested any activities for you?