"learn To Accept Your Position In Life"

[Sideways]

The need for human intimacy is a good thing. Hold onto it. Just tell your brain that it's going to have to be a little bit more patient, because intimacy from the wrong person, like this jerk, is going to be destructive.

The urgent feeling that you need to go back to him because he's better than nothing? 2 issues there. First, you won't find Mr Right while you've got Mr A-hole draped around you.

Second, you've always tolerated this in the past. It's familiar, and in a weird sort of way, that makes it feel kind of safe. Better the devil you know. Once you pile low self-esteem on top of that ("I don't deserve better"), the feeling that you need to go back to him almost feels like a survival instinct - like, even if I don't like him, I have to go back anyway.

We're re-training the brain here. Re-learning all new habits and self-concepts, and that's uncomfortable and even scary. But you can't learn the good stuff till you seperate yourself from the bad stuff. Going back to this guy would be like treating a hangover with more vodka. Actually, you need to ride out the hangover to get healthy...

It's a crappy set of options. Leaving space for someone good to come into our life means leaving space - there's a void there that we want to fill. Do your damdest not to fill that space with something toxic. This jerk is only going to reinforce all the BS negative self-beliefs that we're trying to relearn.

It's tough. But being in your own company, with no one else, it's uncomfortable, but it's actually ok. This guy is not an answer, he's a self-destruct button:(

 

[EveHarrington]

@Ragdoll Circus

I fully understand what you're saying. It makes perfect sense.

Part of me fears that I won't find a good guy. I'm not the kind of woman who has my choice of men. I'm more the kind of person who has to take whatever I can get. All of these crazy thoughts go round and round in my head. I want to be the kind of person who could potentially attract a decent mate, but anymore I just don't know, I have serious doubts. And that's a big part of what keeps me going back to guys like this.

I don't want to be this person anymore but I know no different; know not how to be someone else. (It feels ingenious, deceitful, etc.) Don't want to be me but don't want to live a lie.

 

[Sideways]

The 'real you', the absolutely 100% loveable you, it's still there. It was there the moment you were born, and it never left. It's just been covered up all this time with the BS we learn from our abuse.

Shedding the BS takes time. And there isn't a magical moment that you suddenly accept and love yourself and become again attractive to healthy people. It's a process, and it's already happening. Leaving this A-hole was part of that process.

I'm not telling you anything you don't already know, I'm just reminding your brain to hold on to the good stuff, the truth - which is you are undeniably loveable. We have to be able to love ourselves first. That's the hard part.

 

[EveHarrington]

I am sick. I hate being sick. It makes me feel so weak and needy. I end up craving nothing more than someone to hold me. Even just the promise of someone holding me. I gave in and contacted him. He responded, as expected.

And now---? And now I feel like a fake, a phony, a fraud; simply for asking for help and not listening to anyone. I know the situation isn't good. I know that in an ideal world I'd find someone who cares about me and respects me.

Just messaging him again was enough to calm me down and bring me comfort. <He's still 13 hours away, will be back next week I think.> Maybe I was fooling myself to think that I could get away from him. God knows I've failed many, many times before.

The hundreds of excuses I make---some are lies; I believe the others. But for right now I cannot face the possibility of not having human touch. It feeds into my self deprecation. If one person wants me, I can't be all bad, right?

I know what I'm up against; I know why I go back. I can't remember another guy not triggering me in bed when we have sex. Talk about a mood killer--- And as much as I don't like doing some of the sexual things he wants me to do; none send me into flashbacks. Normal boring sex with every other guy has sent me into flashbacks, so what does that say about me?

Millions of excuses. Grasping at straws, and for what? Just to feel normal every so often. Even if it is a lie.

 

[desiderata310]

Ok. so you talked to him. Doesn't mean you can't change your mind again.

Seriously.

Needing to be wanted. I get it. I do. Get a pet. No, that's not meant to be mean. It really does help. Work with children at church, work at a shelter or hospitality house. People who NEED you and will give affection meanwhile you give back.

You CAN do this.
Dunno your history. Thought about CoDA? Might be of great use to you. Actually, I would HIGHLY recommend doing that.
Your affection doesn't have to come from him

Sick being a trigger? yes. I feel the same way. Actually fighting a bug tonight. Feeling like ass, wishing someone would take care of me but scared to death of reaching out to ANYONE for that. I can't even shake hands with my therapist. Don't remember my last hug... Actually I do.. my last one was four months ago.
Don't give up

 

[Sideways]

It's okay that you contacted him. Cut yourself a break - we're breaking how many years of experience living like this? Of course there's gonna be hiccups. Of course there's gonna be times when you've got yourself in such a knot that you don't know which way is up anymore. And like any nasty addiction, of course your head is going to try and convince you that quitting him is a stupid idea. You saw all that coming. You quit him anyway.

You might not remember now, but in case it's been wiped clear by the self-loathing gremlin, you split with this guy because actually, being alone really is better. As shit as it is, it's better. And it gets better.

If you were a heroin addict trying to quit and you'd just reached for the syringe, you'd want someone to remind you to put it back down, ride it out, it gets better.

Same deal here. Put him back out of your life, you can ride this out. You haven't failed at anything. There isn't an inch of you that is even remotely weak. You are a loveable and courageous woman and you made a decision to fight for something better for yourself, because you're worth it. That's exactly what we're doing, fighting for it even when we believe we can't - that's what courage is...and you've got it in bucketloads.

 

[EveHarrington]

Well THAT was short lived!

Exhausted now, didn't sleep last night, had a bit of a meltdown. Not directly related to him, but influenced I'm sure.

I realized that he brings nothing to my life. No joy, no comfort. With him it's all mechanical. There is no emotion, no true concern for me outside of what I do for him. It leaves me feeling hollow.

I don't want that life anymore. I want something better. (I deserve something better.)

Thank you
@desiderata310 @Ragdoll Circus

 

[Sideways]

You've got a great big virtual cheer squad here that's all rootin' for you lady, because yes, you deserve much better:)

 

[EveHarrington]

I FINALLY figured out why this is so upsetting to me.

<as I sit here in the library and want to puke>

Daisy-chain this on down.

Sex provides me with physical intimacy.

No sex means no intimacy

Because

"I'm ok with just cuddling (indefinitely)"

Said no guy ever.

Or

On the other side

Becoming close with friends, emotionally but not physically close

Guy friends always want sex at some point.

Sex was my vector for getting human touch. I'm such a freak. Nobody (else) seems to be ok with touch that doesn't culminate in sex.

I have no idea how to get this need met.

I am alone.

I cannot live a lifetime of no human touch. Letting myself get used doesn't seem to be a bad alternative (at times).

 

[Sideways]

Taking a stab in the dark here, and may be waaay off...

But maybe intimacy without sex, touch that isn't sexual, is just completely foreign to you. You never learned what that was like, so it's confusing and scary. So we turn it into something sexual, or shun it when it's not sexual, because that's all we've ever known...

If that's the case, it's something we can learn about, and learn to be comfortable with...?

 

[EveHarrington]

@Ragdoll Circus

Where do you get intimacy without sex?

Can't find anyone into that sort of thing.

My last post sort of laid that out.

Intimacy without sex is something I did when I was 13-15. Everyone else matured to sex. I stayed stuck. I acquiesced because it was the only way to get intimacy.

Who wants to just cuddle?

Who is ok with anything more than a 2.5 second hug?

Can't find these people.

I feel like a freak.

 

[Sideways]

Yup, and I'm about to suggest something that I'd be pretty uncomfortable with, but say we start small. Like, next time you're saying hello to someone, briefly reach out and touch their shoulder as you say hello. See what happens...

If the world doesn't explode, then maybe next time you say hello, go in for the brief hug...see what happens.

Sitting and chatting with someone over a coffee? Try making a point of reaching across and putting your hand on theirs for a moment.

All that stuff feels really weird, but to most non-ptsd'ers, it's be pretty normal, and you're starting to give them the signal that physical contact is okay. I can't tell you how many times people have told me that they can tell from my body language that I'm a "personal space" kind of person - people who I see make physical contact with others like it's the most normal thing in the world.

People like hugs. Maybe we just need to do baby steps to get to the point where us and them both know that hugging is actually okay?