Learning Boundaries

[Deleted member 541]

Boundaries, are one of the hardest things I had to learn, in my recovery. Before getting into therapy, I really didn't have a clue as to what a boundary was, why we needed them, or how to respect them. I am still not perfect with them, but I have come a long way, and continue to work on building my knowledge, and learning more on boundaries.

I feel that boundaries, are one of the areas that many of us fail to fully know about. We don't understand them, have no knowledge of them, and fail to use them when they are needed.....

A boundary,(for me) has a special meaning. They are to keep me safe, emotionally. I have had to learn to listen, not only with my ears, but with my body, to see if someone is overstepping a boundary. Then I need to do a quick assessment, to see if I have laid down a clear boundary, and if that person has overstepped. If I have not laid one down, then I do so at this point. If I have, then this it's now clear to me, that a boundary has just been overstepped, and I need to take action......

Learning boundaries is hard if you have never been taught as a child what boundaries are for. Many of us, have suffered abuse/neglect/dysfunction in our childhoods, and were never properly taught boundaries.....

There is a wonderful site, that has a wealth of information on boundaries, so I will provide the link..... http://www.livestrong.com/article/14718-building-healthy-boundaries/

 

[Farine]

Boundaries are a great surprise to many people--many 'normal' people as well I might add. I love the fact that you have included a link for more information. I wanted to add that if someone is in a relationship that has a power / control dynamic that boundaries are a call to arms. The attempt to place boundaries can be viewed as an attack. It really is a good litmus test for a healthy relationship. If someone is agreeable to helping you feel safe, it's a good sign.

If you have someone who is angry when you lay out a reasonable boundary, some serious soul searching is in order. I have had to change jobs, for example when employers were not responsive to the fact that I have a family that needs me (way too much overtime).. or getting a divorce because I couldn't have any 'space' inside my boundary. I found that teaching y oung children boundaries is one of the great joys in life that they begin their journey with this information. It might be good to describe some moments when you found a boundary was needed or a previous boundary kept you safe.

 

[Tija]

Hi She Cat.

Thanks for the link on Boundaries. I haven't read the entire article yet, but this one below, is a very good one. It just popped right out at me:

Unhealthy: As long as I am not seen or heard, I won't be violated or hurt.

Healthy Boundary Builder: I have a right to be visible and to be seen and heard. I will stand up for myself so that others can learn to respect my rights, my needs and not violate my space.

This used to be my inner dialogue my entire life!? Back when I was growing up, I had no understanding of what boundaries were. My boundaries were invaded by various key males in my life, who hurt me terribly. So, my adulthood was spent feeling very stressed, because I believed there was nothing I could do about what was happening around me, and to me. That's pretty scary, but yet to me the most important thing was to be a 'nice' person, and not cause conflict. I was just very afraid of anyone being angry with me, because then I would be a bad person. I already felt so bad about myself.. It is still very sad for me to look back now, and see how my lack of boundaries invited so much disaster and harm to myself.. almost taking my own life.

I think therapy has changed me a lot, in that I was able to see the truth of things. I think this was the first step for me, the beginning of change.. It was really a combination of seeing the lie, but also seeing how obviously it wasn't working for me -- AT ALL. LOL But seriously, the challenge now, is to walk it out. That's the hardest part. I still want to naturally hide away, to put on layers of clothes (literally) because, I guess that behaviour is so ingrained in me. But now it's everytime that I can force myself to step out, and 'be seen or heard', and see that the earth hasn't caved in, that I become more convinced that I'm going to be OK. I feel like a lot of fear is dissolving...ever so slowly.:smile:

Considering everything I have been through, I find that I am happier today. I used to think that I was happy back then, before my ptsd. My life was just so neat and perfect, but underneath I was really depressed and lonely. I was so in denial about it. The reality was, was that I was only living life, I wasn't participating in it.. I find myself cringing when I write this.. I just don't want to be that way anymore.

Hi Farine. That must be very rewarding teaching children boundaries. Where do you teach ? Wouldn't that be great if a course like this would be in the curriculum for elementary/high schools?


Take care, :smile:Tija

 

[Farine]

HI Tija!

I don't teach professionally. I have two daughters ages 11 and 9. For example, some people tickle too much and don't stop when asked. My children know that they have the right to say how they are touched.

I like what you wrote, TIja! Great boundaries because you do have the right to be seen and heard! And it's a loss to the rest of us when we don't get to connect with you. HI! Nice to meet you!

Farine

 

[Tija]

Hi Farine. Well, your daughters are very blessed to have you teaching them about boundaries! I believe not only are they learning self-respect, but also it teaches them the same respect for other people, and where,when, and how to draw the line in relationships. This is so valuable, it can't be emphasized enough..

I like what you wrote, TIja! Great boundaries because you do have the right to be seen and heard! And it's a loss to the rest of us when we don't get to connect with you. HI! Nice to meet you!

Thank you Farine, you are very sweet.. I guess this subject still carries a lot of emotion in me, as I had two big tears gush out of my eyes when I read your note.

Take care, :smile:Tija

 

[TLight]

I can't seem to set boundaries without getting outrageously angry first. I just hate the fact that I'm forced to set them..........I guess I figure somewhere deep inside that I should just be respected from the get go. When I'm not and I have to set a boundary, even with my boyfriend, I'm already angry beyond belief.

This is only hurting me and it is so insane.......but I can't seem to by pass the flow of chemicals that is boiling beneath the surface.

Any suggestions?

 

[Deleted member 541]

Teri, the time to place a bundary is exactly the time that the person makes you feel uncomfortable. You know that feeling that you get in the pit of your stomach, when they say something or they do something and a warning bell goes off... Well, THAT is the time that you need to just say excuse me, but.................................and place a strong boundary. That way things don't have a chance to escalate......

 

[TLight]

That makes sense to me. Thanks She Cat.

I'll keep on trying.

 

[Farine]

TLight,

My favorite phrase is "This is JUST not working for me." The assumption is that it SHOULD be working for you. I like the distinction.. helpful and not helpful as opposed to right and wrong. I get less emotional feedback because most people want to be helpful. We know about triggers. I find that telling someone that they are WRONG triggers them. The other thing that I find voting with my feet. Somehow, people tend to get a message that something went awry when suddenly I am NOT there any more :)

Farine

 

[Farine]

Thanks TIja! I am blessed to have them too! I might point out that normal tweener angst is a lot to start with. They have made some measurements in my marriage and I'm sure they are taking notes. You are very welcome, by the way! I do and did mean it. The truth is that you should get some of the good energy that you put out into the universe come back to you. It's only fair.

Happy Tuesday!
Farine

Hi Farine. Well, your daughters are very blessed to have you teaching them about boundaries! I believe not only are they learning self-respect, but also it teaches them the same respect for other people, and where,when, and how to draw the line in relationships. This is so valuable, it can't be emphasized enough..


Thank you Farine, you are very sweet.. I guess this subject still carries a lot of emotion in me, as I had two big tears gush out of my eyes when I read your note.

Take care, :smile:Tija

 

[Jestadud]

Its funny how something so right can turn out so wrong. (or is that a song?)

I guess this subject still carries a lot of emotion in me, as I had two big tears gush out of my eyes when I read your note.

This counts double for me.

Healthy Boundary Builder: I have a right to be visible and to be seen and heard. I will stand up for myself so that others can learn to respect my rights, my needs and not violate my space.

This is true, I'm not arguing against it, BUT (and its a big but) then what? What if ones rights, needs or space are still not respected. I'm guessing the answer will be it depends on the situation, but this would require rational thought when sometimes the body just reacts instinctively.

Sorry if I come on like a misery on an upbeat thread and I'm aware that my view sometimes differs from the norm even here, but when you see it laid out in front of your eyes its difficult to ignore.
When "that is offensive to me" and "that is not acceptable to me" are not understood, then what?

For me it was full blown ptsd.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Yes, basically it would depend on the situation... Who overstepped it, what kind of relationship do you have with this person, ect ect.....What I do, is I try to evaluate the situation, and if i value the relationship I will try to work with the person explaining HOW they overstepped, how it made me feel, and such. If they continue to overstep, I end the relationship, because they are proving to me that they are incapable of having a relationship/friendship with healthy boundaries.....