Learning How To Be A Good Supporter

[blackbird]

My husband and love of my life was recently diagnosed with PTSD as a result of childhood sexual abuse, although he's had symptoms for the many years we have been together. He's been to counselling several times, and each time believed himself to be rid of these feelings for good. He was still occasionally having nightmares, but they were less frequent and we'd found a way to wake him from them gently. It seemed to be easing and they were the only prominent symptom.

Then recently, he was put in a situation with work that left him feeling out of control. He got out of the situation eventually, but since then things have taken a turn for the worst - which led to his diagnosis. He's now getting help, and I know it takes alot of courage for him to face it, which I am very grateful for.

It's been a tough time though. I often find myself feeling helpless as I don't feel there is anyone I can talk to about it. Then I tell myself to "toughen up", that I should stop feeling sorry for myself when he is the one with the real burden. I occasionally think about getting some counselling myself, but then dismiss the idea quickly when things seem to settle into normality (or after the "toughen up, cupcake!" internal dialogues).

After a couple of particularly difficult days, today is the first time I've searched for information for supporters of PTSD and found this forum, as well as some other helpful sites. It's reassuring to know that there are others who feel the same way, and helpful to read some of the stories on here, both from supporters and sufferers. It's made me realise that I'm a normal human being for feeling the way I do, and has helped me better understand what hubby is dealing with.

I feel like things are likely to get worse rather than better as he faces up to his inner demons rather than just learning to deal with them. I want to learn as much as I can about how to best support him through that because I believe he can and will overcome these demons in time.

Kudos to Anthony and Nicolette for creating and maintaining this great resource, I'm very glad I found it.

 

[Deimos]

Hi and welcome to the forum. Your post caught my eye because I'm new here also and have been telling my wife about this site. For a second there I thought you might be my wife referring to me until I read about the work stuff. It's good your here, it seems to be a great support network here. I know its tough, I have put my wife through the ringer with my PTSD. I have been trying to get her to get help for herself or at least educate herself better on the topic. I look up to you for this as it takes a lot of tough love and dedication to deal with PTSD.

 

[blackbird]

Thank you Deimos, I really appreciate your kind words, and admire you and others who have had the courage to seek help and face your worst nightmares. Probably for the sake of loved ones as much as self, if not more so. I can only imagine how terrifying that must be.

I hope your wife does make it to this forum, it's already been a great help to me within a matter of hours. I need to introduce my hubby to this place (if he isn't already here)...

 

[BigBear]

Hi Blackbird and Deimos,

This is a good place for a couple to work on their joint problem. Each of you should consider inviting your Husband/Wife to the forum. (I know Deimos, that you already have) Just remember, that trust is a big issue with PTSD. You need to work very hard at sustaining that trust between you as you are working on your problems here. It is insanely easy to upset the other. My wife and I are very often working on things here! We also worked very hard to start on the right foot and stay on it. A lot of hopping involved...

Glad you are here!

Bear

 

[Ree]

Hi Blackbird,

I am new, too. And, like you, am the spouse of someone with PTSD.

At first, I felt like I always had to be strong for my husband, that I had no right to feel sad or frustrated with his symptoms. But, after talking with Victim's Services, they said it for me; I'm suffering, too, and I lost something, too.

Letting myself grieve the loss of dreams and characteristics of my husband that may be gone forever helped me so, so much. Our life changed after his traumatic event, and to ignore that wouldn't be fair to me or to him. We are different because of that; is that true for you, too?

You don't always have to be tough. And if you feel like counseling would help, why not go? I'm glad that I found this forum for support, and I hope you find support here, too.

<Full line spaces inserted between paragraphs by Amethist>

 

[blackbird]

Hey Ree,

In our situation, his traumatic event happened as a child long before I met him, although he's only just been formally diagnosed. The nightmares and a few other common symptoms have been around for the time we've been together, but the last year or so things have taken a turn for the worse.

I've also felt that I've needed to be strong, I still feel that way truth be told. But I've realised now that it's OK for me to feel sad, hurt, or frustrated from time to time. I was openly upset recently by something he did, which has led him to be more open with me about what's going on in his head, which probably should have happened a long time ago.

I continue to consider counseling, but usually I feel better within a day or two and decide against it. The problem is I tend to internalise things as I don't feel comfortable talking to friends or family about what he/we/I are going through. For that reason, the forum has been a great help already.