General New Supporter Learning

lostforgottensoul

MyPTSD Pro
and how I need to act, and help.... by not mentioning things that may trigger him
Although I can see that you are trying very hard to help anyway you can and that is awesome. Just be careful to not take triggers on as your responsibility. Remember that triggers can be any sight, smell, touch, or thing; you can't avoid him being triggered. It's not good to try to tip toe around his triggers. It's not your responsibility to avoid triggers for him. It's his responsibility to know his triggers and to learn how to manage them. You also don't trigger him but rather he was triggered. Remembering that helps you and your own mental health.

Just a reminder. I see supporters on here trying to avoid triggers for their sufferer and it's just not possible, not your responsibility, and tip toeing around someone's triggers isn't good for your own mental health. Remember that you are the most important thing to you. Don't take his triggers on as your responsibility. They aren't your responsibility. They are his.

I think you trying to learn as much as you can after a week is admirable. But remember that you are the most important thing here. I think that is one of the most important lessons for anyone. Learning to put yourself first!
 
Although I can see that you are trying very hard to help anyway you can and that is awesome. Just be careful to not take triggers on as your responsibility. Remember that triggers can be any sight, smell, touch, or thing; you can't avoid him being triggered. It's not good to try to tip toe around his triggers. It's not your responsibility to avoid triggers for him. It's his responsibility to know his triggers and to learn how to manage them. You also don't trigger him but rather he was triggered. Remembering that helps you and your own mental health.

Just a reminder. I see supporters on here trying to avoid triggers for their sufferer and it's just not possible, not your responsibility, and tip toeing around someone's triggers isn't good for your own mental health. Remember that you are the most important thing to you. Don't take his triggers on as your responsibility. They aren't your responsibility. They are his.

I think you trying to learn as much as you can after a week is admirable. But remember that you are the most important thing here. I think that is one of the most important lessons for anyone. Learning to put yourself first!
Thank you!! This means a lot to me, because he would say things like "You're overthinking this. And to be honest, I probably was! I am just going to go with the flow, but with some understanding of ptsd, and that will be enough. :) I am the mothering type, but do not want to be his mother. If that makes sense?
 

lostforgottensoul

MyPTSD Pro
Thank you!! This means a lot to me, because he would say things like "You're overthinking this. And to be honest, I probably was! I am just going to go with the flow, but with some understanding of ptsd, and that will be enough. :) I am the mothering type, but do not want to be his mother. If that makes sense?
Absolutely! Makes perfect sense. And honestly a few things that come to mind that you can do and work on are boundaries for yourself and communication. Those will most certiantly go a long way for you and the relationship. The supporters around here have some amazing ideas about those things and about some other stuff that you can do. Maybe refocus the mothering instinct you have and instead of mothering him, maybe you can try to mother the relationship, if that even makes sense. Like a relationship is a two way street and there are things in that area that you can absolutely do. So if you try to refocus that instinct you have into the relationship instead of him, maybe that can help?
 

Sweetpea76

Moderator
Don’t pressure yourself to be the perfect girlfriend. You will never be able to do everything right, or help him by doing x,y,z. It sounds like a bummer, right? It’s not romantic at all, but love only fixes stuff in fairy tales. It’s good to learn, but helping, avoiding triggers, or trying to manage his PTSD isn’t going to work.

Trust me, I know. I’ve been with my sufferer for a decade. We all want to help and fix. I *wish* I could help.

You have to adjust that train of thought. I keep seeing the same theme in your posts. You sound like a nurturing person, and that’s awesome, but you have to temper that with the reality of dealing with mental illness. It’s hard to realize you aren’t going to be able to actually do anything to help somebody when they need it. Or to accept you have to put yourself first to protect your mental health at times, because lord knows, it’ll make you question your own sanity.
 
Absolutely! Makes perfect sense. And honestly a few things that come to mind that you can do and work on are boundaries for yourself and communication. Those will most certiantly go a long way for you and the relationship. The supporters around here have some amazing ideas about those things and about some other stuff that you can do. Maybe refocus the mothering instinct you have and instead of mothering him, maybe you can try to mother the relationship, if that even makes sense. Like a relationship is a two way street and there are things in that area that you can absolutely do. So if you try to refocus that instinct you have into the relationship instead of him, maybe that can help?
That makes complete sense! Thank you so much. Day by day is my outlook :)

Don’t pressure yourself to be the perfect girlfriend. You will never be able to do everything right, or help him by doing x,y,z. It sounds like a bummer, right? It’s not romantic at all, but love only fixes stuff in fairy tales. It’s good to learn, but helping, avoiding triggers, or trying to manage his PTSD isn’t going to work.

Trust me, I know. I’ve been with my sufferer for a decade. We all want to help and fix. I *wish* I could help.

You have to adjust that train of thought. I keep seeing the same theme in your posts. You sound like a nurturing person, and that’s awesome, but you have to temper that with the reality of dealing with mental illness. It’s hard to realize you aren’t going to be able to actually do anything to help somebody when they need it. Or to accept you have to put yourself first to protect your mental health at times, because lord knows, it’ll make you question your own sanity.
It will be taxing at times I am sure, but isn't every relationship? haha I guess if I think the good outweighs the tough, then we are perfect! I shall see how things go, and hopefully my gut instinct was right and it will be the one I have been searching for. Sometimes it just clicks in a way that it shifts your entire world. This was one of those. My parents were married for 55 years before my Dad passed, and when I started telling my Mom about this gentleman, my Mom said "This sounds just like how I felt when I met your Dad" One day at a time is all I can do, and hopefully this is the one, and if not, well I know more of what I am looking for now more than ever. <3
 
Top