Supporter Learning & Support - Need Advice!

[LostintheNavy]

Hi...

About a week ago I stumbled upon this site/forum in dire efforts to learn more about PTSD. So many sites, although full of information, were text book. Here, I found the REAL. The REAL voices of both sides.

I've been very hesitant to post in fear that J (my boy) would somehow find it. I fight my own anxiety and I feel like it's made these last couple weeks worse.

So...without further delay, here is my story...


J and I met about four months ago. We work together and he was huge talk of the work place being quite the looker and a cute shy bashful type. Our shifts crossed paths many times before I finally had enough courage to tell him I liked him. We started to talk, went on a few dates and FINALLY I thought I had found the man of my dreams. He was literally too good to be true. Right away though, I noticed that his shy, quite manner was something I had to battle every time we got together. It wasn't a problem so to speak but I kept it in the back of mind. He slowly began to tell me little things of him until he finally revealed that he was in the Navy for 8 years. I showed him much appreciation and thanks for his service and he seemed to just shrug it off. I didn't think anything of it, partially because I was so love struck with an already 'perfect in my eyes' man.

2 and a half weeks into our relationship. He became very distant, and blamed it on being sick. He is very timely and orderly, so when he missed work unexpectedly - I reached out to him.

I wished him a good morning and he replied..'there is nothing good about it.'
I was shocked. I couldn't believe that I missed him getting so sick?
I pushed him a bit further until he revealed that he was in the hospital and for reasons I was SWORN to never tell of.

He had PTSD.

I was floored, shocked, felt immediate sadness. I felt like it was my fault. That I triggered it.
For the next 4 days, I had to try and convince this boy I hold so dearly to me, that he IS worth it, that he DOES deserve happiness all the while researching exactly what PTSD is.

After a lengthy therapy sessions, and new medication. I finally got to see him.
He look worn, defeated, sad.
It literally destroyed me.

Here we are two months since and he is no where close to the same person I started talking to. But he still is the person that I want to care for, support, and love. I'm just looking for a little more guidance and light about something I was so quickly exposed too.

Thank you in advance!
-LostintheNavy

 

[Sighs]

Hugs if you accept them.

Supporting PTSD is hard. Being here is a good start.

 

[Friday]

Welcome to the forums. :)

The one piece I'll say now, you'll probably catch me saying later... It's still him. Which I think you might already see & why I'm saying it. Some people fall into the trap of believing that the best of us is our "real" self, while the worst of us, isn't. Put up with a helluva lot of bullshit they never would otherwise, using PTSD as an excuse that it not really them. Who they really are... Nope. We're both. Light & Dark, good times & bad, best behavior & worst behavior, shazaam outlook & dire outlook, intensity & isolation, hot & cold, all of it. It's all us. As we learn to manage our PTSD, there tends to be less dark, but the bad days & hard times will never entirely go away. This is a lifelong cyclic disorder, and under certain levels of stress (good & bad), new trauma (or old triggers), anniversaries (of very bad things), and sometimes just because it's Friday... Holed up & hurting, sufferer be suffering, bad days.

As this is a very new relationship? It's both easier & harder to let go, if that's what needs doing. If his dark side isn't something you can handle being a part of your life? That's okay. Better than setting impossible standards neither of you will ever be able to meet (either him not having symptoms, or your being happy with someone who goes dark periodically). If you decide to stay on, at least for a time? Keep the whole person in mind. :) We all have the same disorder, but how we go about handling and managing our symptoms, how they express through our personalities, varies tremendously. PTSD isn't a reason to stay, just like a wheelchair or being blind, being wealthy/poor, etc. arent reasons to stay. The person is the reason to stay. Go or stay? Trust your gut. Do what's right for you. And take damn good care of yourself.

& again... Welcome.

 

[LostintheNavy]

@Sighs

Hugs are very much welcomed. Thank you so much :)

 

[intothelight]

@LostintheNavy Welcome and it looks like you've received some great advice from other members. Here is a link you might find beneficial...

http://www.resolveofacaregiver.org/self-help/

 

[LostintheNavy]

Welcome to the forums. :)

The one piece I'll say now, you'll probably catch me saying later... It's...

First, let me thank you for the warm welcome and eye opening information.

I fell for his whole being and I'll be damned to become another person who has walked out of his life. I know it won't be easy but I honestly feel in my heart that he is 100% worth it.

Right now he's in one of his "quiet" modes (as I call it) - haven't heard from him in two days. But this has happened and I told myself that maybe me being overbearing and highly constant is doing more damage than good?

 

[Sighs]

maybe me being overbearing and highly constant is doing more damage than good?

Not sure what behavior you are actually describing here. What do you mean by overbearing? When my vet goes dark I send him one - at most two - messages letting him know I love him. Nothing that requires a reply. He'll come back when he's good and ready. Pushing him before then just ends badly

 

[LostintheNavy]

Not sure what behavior you are actually describing here. What do you mean by overbearing? When my vet go...

That's what I feared. He's been dealing with some dental issues which has caused him to call off work. He told me today that he feels like he is letting everyone down and that he is useless. I tried to assure him that the workload was being distributed between the other mechanics but of course, nothing I say ever feels like it makes a difference. I say it regardless, and whether he replies or not, is up to him of course...

 

[Atomic]

I don't have any answers. It's really tough and hard and sucks big hairy balls.

The hardest part for me has been to let go of trying to do anything. Sometimes I panic and think if I don't stay in touch with him, he'll forget I'm there, or worse think I've walked away. He's an adult and has been on this planet longer than I have - if he wants to contact me he will, if he doesn't he won't. Badgering him won't change that. I just hope I haven't done too much damage. Them's the breaks.

He tells me that it's so hard and painful, he's trying to get his head around all of what is going on. At one point I suggested that digging his eyes out with rusty spoons was preferable to talking about anything. He told me I was wrong. Forks!! It must be so difficult to be afraid, depressed, sleep deprived, panicked, numb, alone, in pain, ashamed, guilty, worthless, in free-fall.......sounds like an unbearable tornado.

 

[forestree]

Wow, he sure is lucky to have you!

 

[LostintheNavy]

I don't have any answers. It's really tough and hard and sucks big hairy balls.

The hardest part for...

I'm in the same boat. I don't know whether to be there or not. The last thing I want to do is be a nuisance because then I'm defeating the entire meaning of my purpose.

I've notice that anytime he is sick or has a medical issue, he falls into his darkness. It's not nearly as bad as his meltdowns, but he will constantly speak poorly of himself and make himself unavailable and closed from the world. When he was in the hospital, he wouldn't let me see him but we spoke every day. One of his lasting comments was that he was not sure he was ready to "go back out into the real world."

I had no answer and I totally felt like I failed him...

 

[Atomic]

You haven't failed him. I've learned to say things in a way that doesn't ask questions. Questions seem to be too hard.

I'll email/text things like 'just touching base to check you're ok or if you need anything. I'm here for you'.