Relationship Learning To Deal With My Boyfriend's Ptsd (hard Times)

[Brooke1025]

Hi,
I've been with my boyfriend for about 3 years now. He was in the Marine Corps and did a tour in Ir...

I never knew that what's been going on in my relationship was from PTSD till I read this. My boyfriend isn't in the military. His father committed suicide and my boyfriend found him and unfortunately his mom was out of town so he had to handle it all himself. But when we first started dating 2 months after it happened, everything was fine. You wouldn't of even known he went through something so horrific. But for the past 4-5 months he's constantly angry and agressive with me mostly and his mom over such small things that most people wouldn't even think of as negative. I've gotten him into counseling but he doesn't like it very much and has cancelled the past two appointments. But does anyone have any advice as to what to do when he starts getting angry? Do I leave him alone or try and comfort him? We've been together for over a year and a half and it just doesn't seem to be getting any easier but I'm not going to give up on him.

 

[Bethyboop94]

Hey, so I don't know whether I am too late but I'm hoping someone is active in which to read my story.

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 months and he has openly admitted to me that he has PTSD from the very beginning. We both knew it would be hard in which to cope, however being the stubborn person that I am I have taken the challenge to look after him because I fell in love with him instantly. As cheesy as it sounds, it was love at first sight.

My boyfriend has suffered with alcohol abuse in the past however, that was before meeting me.

My boyfriend, has been out of the army for about a year and a half due to medical discharge of PTSD.

He suffers with anxiety, depression and guilt.

He has been on numerous tours with the British Army but his last tour was in Iraq. He witnessed his best friend die in his arms; his best friend was the one which searched the perimeter in which to check for any bombs/mines before the group of soldiers went on patrol/continued to walk down the street. However, his best friend stepped on a mine which required him to keep his weight evenly on it otherwise it would explode. My boyfriend and him were the last ones there once my boyfriend had told his troops to get into safety (he was a captain). Unfortunately his best friend was unable to remove his boot and keep the same amount of pressure on the mine causing it to explode, with Rhys (his best friend) being hit first. My boyfriend still to this day blames himself for his death, and I have no idea how I can help him.

There are some days he is okay, but others he has flashbacks or can smell smoke from bullets being shot. I know this is part of his PTSD but I just wish I could help him. At night he suffers with nightmares and at times blacks out, where he is completely a different person. He doesn't know where he is or what he's doing or saying, it's like he is a different person.

He sees a therapist, and attends a group with fellow ex military whom suffer with PTSD. He enjoys group but hates seeing his therapist and on occasion refuses to go - I guess it's because he feels judged.

Personally, I sometimes feel very lonely as no one seems to understand my perdicament. I love my boyfriend with all my heart but it's a very lonely road, when you can't really talk to him about how you feel without being afraid in upsetting him. I just hope we girls can one day find a solution in which to help our men. Thank you to whomever reads this. It feels good to be able to get it off my chest and relate to so many of you.

 

[Blondexoxo]

Hey, so I don't know whether I am too late but I'm hoping someone is active in which to read my story...

I am so sorry to hear about your boyfriend and what he's going through. That must be horribly traumatic and I can't begin to imagine his pain. The silver lining is he's at least willing to go to group therapy and (on occasion) his therapist.
I'm just finishing up my BA Psychology Major, but it seems to be a fairly common occurrence in all of these stories that the Marine doesn't want to feel judged or feels nobody understands. To be honest, nobody does understand exactly what they're going through and sympathy may make them feel weak. As for judgement, I can honestly say that is not an issue for the majority of therapists. You may have the occasional "Religion Extremist" or "Judgmental" therapist but those are more few and far between.

The Marine I am talking to has a really bad case of PTSD. This sounds so sketchy, but we've never met. Our houses are 20 minutes from each other and he's 2.5 years younger than me. We have Skyped and Snapchatted, so he's not a catfish. He told me almost right away that he has PTSD, but he never wants to tell me for what so I've respected his privacy. Anyway, he is usually really sweet and we have fun talking to each other. There are sometimes (both mornings and evenings) where we will be talking about one thing and suddenly he's a complete mess. He's admitted to trying to kill himself 9 times in the past few years. Never gives me details or anything involving it though, and I don't want to pry. For example, tonight he send me a video of him cutting the hairs with a very sharp knife on his arm with the caption "this is how sharp this knife is".

My psychologist side is bursting at the seems to ask him why he feels that way. I stay awake at night hoping I'll get a Snap from him the next morning (and I always do). I've asked if he takes medication and he says he doesn't believe in medications for mental health. He dodges my questions about therapy or even talking to somebody. He just got moved to Camp Lejeune in North Carolina about a week ago. He has never been deployed but they are talking about sending him to Iraq or Afghanistan in the coming months. I'm very much at a loss for what to do or say to help him when I've never even been able to smile at him face to face.

 

[Char88]

I'm hoping someone can give me some advise. Reading all the posts makes me feel better I'm not the only one going through this. Me and my boyfriend have been together nearly 6 years everything was perfect we bought our dream home and we planned our future for when he came out the army. March last year he left the army and to start with everything was good then last June he decided out of no where things weren't working and he wanted space so I moved back to my mums. After a couple of weeks he told me it was over and he didn't want to be with me anymore. I was destroyed heartbroken to me it came out of no where and he destroyed all our dreams and plans. Then after about of month of being nasty to each other and arguing he admitted to me he had been to the doctors and had been diagnosed with PTSD he had been put on tablets and put in touch with a counsellor. He told me he felt he needed me around but couldn't make any promises about out relationship and if I couldn't cope to walk away. I still loved him unconditionally so I stood by him and was there when he needed me and gave him space when he needed it. It was heartbreaking to watch the man I fell in love with who had always been so strong falling apart and I couldn't do anything to make it all better. He started to get better and as he did our relationship started to mend and by Christmas we were back living together and rebuilding our relationship. It was hard he went through phases of being really loving to being distant but I started to learn to give him space I even stayed at my mums once a week to give him some time on his own. Then a few weeks ago it happened again exactly the same time as last year he said he needed some space he still loved me but asked me to go to my mums for a while. This time it was slightly different cuz he phoned me regularly text me all the time and we saw each other and when we did it was like normal. Then the last week he distant himself from me and then at the weekend said it wanted to end it. I know this is his PTSD but I don't know what I can do to help him and make him see the answer isn't giving up on us. I love him unconditionally and would do anything for him but I feel so helpless and lost. Hope someone can help. X

 

[InLoveAndStressed]

I'm so relieved to have found this forum. I met my marine 5 years ago, we just started dating this January so we have been together 8 months. He just came out of the Marine Corps a little over a year ago, and not by choice. He had gotten blown up while he was over in Afghanistan and luckily walked away with just a loss of hearing for a while- but he wasn't all lucky with the amount of PTSD he acquired. When we first started dating I had noticed nothing, but as the months progressed, I would see how easily his anger would come out- and how 10 minutes would go by and he would forget what had happened or what the fight we had was even about. It started to, and still to this day, scare and worry me. I feel like sometimes I can't do anything right, even when he explains the way he is and why he is that way.

He opened up to me about what he saw when he was deployed and what he had gone through. How he literally cannot express emotion anymore, even if he is excited and happy inside he can't show it. He doesn't like to vent nor does he care for others feelings unless it affects him- and he tells me how he hates that he is this way.

It got really bad after a fellow marine buddy of his had passed away from committing suicide. I was terrified - thinking what if he goes into a similar slump.

He doesn't believe in therapy, he tries to see his psychiatrist but not much. I also noticed the lieing...little white lies... and, the worst for me- he has turned to a unsafe drug sometimes- cocaine. Not often, but when he parties with certain people.

It's comforting knowing I am not alone going through this. I love him endlessly and just wish I could help him.

 

[Mountain Girl]

Amazing....I joined the forum just to reply to River Edge because, until I saw the date of her post, I actually thought I was now living with her boyfriend. Then I kept reading the replies and it seemed like any one of the stories posted could be mine. Just seeing that I'm not alone is enough to give me a bit of the strength back because, to be honest, I'm depleted...and I haven't even made it to the one year mark yet. I'm thankful for finding this forum and hope it helps others dealing with PTSD.

 

[SweetGApeach]

Hi, I'm just at the point where I do not know what to do anymore. My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year now and I have truly seen both sides of this man. I met him when I was 18 and I just started my freshman year of college. We met when he was honorably discharged from the National Guard and he was 19 at the time. He told me he had anxiety and PTSD. I really didn't understand PTSD, but I did understand about anxiety. I fell emotionally attached to him, but he didn't feel the same way so I told him to give me space to lose these feelings I had for him. So, we stopped talking for a while and he texted me saying he never had anybody so caring and actually wanting to see him. We started dating, but at the time I didn't tell my family. I eventually told them and they judged. I couldn't even see him and remember this was going on during my first year in college. So, long story short they excommunicated me from the whole family. His family never had issues with me, but this was when my boyfriend began to change. He started yelling at me and we started to argue really bad. When I moved up here, it only got worse. We argued almost every day and he would break stuff. When he would tell me to leave, I would. Then, he would get mad at me for leaving. Then, when he would tell me to shut up, I would not say anything. He would think I'm playing with him or not caring when I would not talk. Then, he got a speeding ticket and that's when he started blaming EVERYTHING on me. Then, we moved with his mom and it only got worse. He started grabbing me and dragging me back to the room when I would leave after he would tell me to leave. He started threatening me like saying he would snap my neck or put my head through the wall. Then when he sees my scratches or bruises he would cry and wonder why I'm still with him. He keeps saying his past still haunts him And when he sees something it'll remind him of a bad flashback with his dad or ex. This past weekend he accuses me of having an attitude but this time I didn't and he told me to leave again for the 10th time. I kept trying to leave and he would either push me or drag me back and it was like nobody stepped in to help. His mom was worried about herself and his cousin tried to get me under control by listening to him. At that point I didn't care because I was beyond hurt. He then seen my cuts and blood so he started picking at his old wounds to make himself bleed or try to punch himself to the point of him bruising. He says I should go but I love him and I just wish he can see that someone does love him since he NEVER felt love before. Neither from his mom or dad until now but not really.... I'm just scared because I don't know what he will do never. I have money and a plan saved up if he breaks up with me or if I leave. I just do not know what to do... am ii being controlled as if this is a game or is he seriously meaning that he loves me and can't control his emotions and nightmares/flashbacks..?

 

[Sweetpea76]

First of all, that's abuse. Abuse is not a symptom of PTSD. He is abusing you because he is making the choice to abuse you. PTSD can cause rage and aggression, but it is up to him how he handles that.

That's not love. That is abuse.

You are young, get out now before it gets worse.

All I see are red flags. He's physically abusing you, manipulating you, and he was discharged from the military in only a year. Red flags. Run girl, run.

 

[Miss Lissa]

I have to second (or is it fourth at this point?) SweetPea... Abuse, especially physical abuse, is not acceptable. He should be strong enough to walk away himself and do some work to get better for you, if there's any hope at all.

My man has diagnosed PTSD and while he can get distant and angry, and even break inanimate objects in our house, he has never (nor do I feel he would ever) laid a hand on me.

The worst I've had to deal with is yelling in my face about something that wasn't even about me. Yes, a few (maybe 3 or 4) poorly chosen words at me when frustrated over the course of our 4 years together, but those usually "un-trigger" him out of his outburst, if that makes sense, and he apologizes immediately and feels ashamed. I have been around him enough now to know the difference between "him" and "PTSD".

That being said, I worry more that he'll hurt himself when he's frustrated and (for example) throws the sh*tty weedwhacker across the yard because it doesn't work. I have NEVER felt that he would hurt me. I think he'd leave before I did if he thought it would ever come to that.

 

[NewGirlOnTheBlock]

Reading your post really has helped. I recently started dating my old hs boyfriend. It’s been a few months but they have been amazing. Within the last 3 weeks he was different, cold less affectionate. It made me feel really insecure. I had to flare out ask him what i was to him and if he still wanted me to come up to his ball. He’s 6 hours from me but i don’t have a problem making the trip to see him. I could tell a change in him this time i was there. Quiet, reserved. We went to the ball and he drank and really loosened up. We were in a group, his two roommates and one of their girlfriends. Save to say every one drank more than they should. I saw him texting/snap chatting other girls and because of how different he’d been acting lately and the fact that it made me feel insecure, i got jealous and drunkenly said something to him about texting other girls. The next morning i tried talking to him. It was like a light switched flipped, he was emotionless other than anger. He told me he was done, and he no longer cared. It really hurt. I tried to talk to him and i could tell it was like an invisible shield, there was just nothing there. Like he was standing in front of me but he really wasn’t. I packed my things and drove home. I gave him until the end of the night and basically just spilled my heart out to him via text. Honestly i just couldn’t help it, i felt so broken to be treated like a bag of garbage that was easily tossed out to the curb. I️ am also a psych nurse and i caught on to little things here and there with him. After reading everything i think a lot of this has to do with his ptsd. I hope he comes out of it, and i hope this is not it for us. I care a lot for him. But waiting is so so difficult. And it has left me hurting.

 

[Ms. Richardson]

Hi. (Advice please)

This has been helpful for me.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year and we got into a pretty heated argument (first fight even, and it was really over nothing, we both had bad days and took it out on each other), he just exploded, asked me to piece, started cursing at me and acting irrational, told me it was over so I said okay let me get my things and go. He started getting a bag and started packing my stuff, ripped up by pictures and there them away etc. I finally said, I think we both need to calm down and he started to choos at me to leave and at that point I knew he was having anxiety and didn't wants lemme him alone, well he had an episode and punched the wall and took off. I waited there because he left the house open etc. He came back about an hour later and was a little more calm and I asked if he was okay and tried to talk to him (bigger mistake) I refused to levee because I wasn't sure he's be safe so I called his brother and that set him off again. He tgrth me out and no one has heard from him in 3 days, not even his family. So, I took a chance by going over to check on him last night and he was angryb to see me, aleas me to leave and I said I just wanna make sure your okay, you haven't responded to anyone. He told me it's over between us and to get out. I just sat for a min (he wouldn't even look at me) and told him... I'll give you your space, but I'm not giving up on you. I will be back, I love you and I'm here when you're ready, then I left.

Any suggestions please???