Hello, all. I'm glad I've found this space. My mental health issues are too much for my friends to handle, and although they try, they can't relate. I am in therapy and on meds for depression, anxiety, and ADD (inattentive type).
About me... I'm 40, lesbian, separated from my wife but in a new relationship, and I have a 4-year-old son (anonymous donor) with my ex, who is his other legal parent. We are getting divorced. I think my PTSD stems from my ex's medical injury. She walked in for an outpatient procedure and never walked again. Something went wrong and she is now paralyzed. I was there for all of it. When no one came to get me from the waiting room after I could see on the screen that she'd been out of the procedure for 45 minutes, I had a sinking feeling that something was wrong and went searching for her. I was in a panic and my worst fears came true. I found her, in a post-op recovery room, sobbing hysterically that she couldn't feel or move her legs. She had become paralyzed at the T9 level, which means that she has no sensation or mobility from her mid-back down. It is irreversible. Having your spouse, who's in her early 30s, full of life and active, suddenly become paralyzed and completely dependent on others was the most horrendous nightmare imaginable. Right after it happened, I kept thinking that I'd eventually wake up. I never did. It was all real. Our son was almost 3 and will probably never remember her before she became wheelchair-bound.
I felt like she died and my therapist and I discovered that I processed her injury as a death. My PTSD kicked in after the initial shock of what had happened wore off. She was in the hospital and rehab for about six weeks. After she came home, her family refused to help us with anything and left me to care for her and our son myself, as well as working part-time, all the while criticizing me for not having a full-time job. She refused to tell them that we needed help or take my side in any way. They have never liked me, so they didn't care that I had too much on my plate for one person. She has always been a people-pleaser, but it's been worse since she's been paralyzed. I can only imagine the trauma SHE has experienced! This was all way too much for our marriage and we separated about four months ago. I had to fight for all of us, and she wouldn't fight for herself or our family. I begged her to tell them I needed help and needed them to stop being rude to me. She never did this, and I couldn't do it all myself anymore.
Also, about three months after she got home from the rehab, our roommate (a good friend of hers for 10 years) physically attacked her with a weapon in her wheelchair, and the police pressed charges on her for domestic violence. She has been convicted of assault and we also obtained a permanent restraining order against her. This attack brought up a whole new set of trauma issues and feeling unsafe. I slept with a baseball bat and thick curtain rod by the side of the bed. Every time I heard a noise, I was convinced that someone was breaking in to steal my son and sprang out of bed with one of those weapons. The assailant also filed a false police report claiming that I assaulted her. Of course, it was untrue and the case was thrown out, but not before I had to appear in court six times over the next five months to defend myself. Every single time was like opening up the wounds all over again. I knew I hadn't done anything wrong, but I felt like my freedom was in jeopardy. I didn't feel safe anywhere.
After the case was dismissed in late January or early February, I finally felt better! I felt almost no PTSD symptoms and thought I was out of the woods. However, that didn't last. My ex became enraged with me one night, throwing my laptop at me and throwing me into the wall as our son watched. In the SAME spot where the roommate had attacked her in front of our son a few months before. I didn't call the police, although I probably should have. Now that we are separated, and I have a girlfriend, my girlfriend has begun working on her own trauma, which includes childhood sexual abuse and multiple rapes. The most recent rape happened after we had started our relationship. This triggers my symptoms REALLY badly. About a month ago, my son and I moved to a new place, where my girlfriend has joined us. My movers robbed me of some expensive jewelry (the only thing I had worth selling, and I needed to sell it) and, again, I had to involve law enforcement in something that was due to being violated in my home. This has been another huge trigger for me lately. Since that happened and my girlfriend has been around, I am not dealing well with her rape at all. I know it's her trauma, but as a secondary victim who already has PTSD, it's hard not to let it consume me.
I get most anxious and symptomatic in the late afternoon and at night. I become a different person: suspicious, paranoid, insecure, and often pretty mean, distant, and cold. Really, I'm just feeling incredibly unsafe and need to be held and told that I'm loved and everything will be OK.
My family of origin doesn't approve of my relationship because I'm still legally married. They are beyond angry with me that my girlfriend has moved in. They don't speak to me anymore, except for one person. I also struggle with issues of abandonment, and their turning their backs on me has triggered that all over again. My first traumatic experience, which I've never been able to let go of, was being abducted by my dad while he and my mom were battling over custody of me in their divorce. My dad took me away from everyone and everything I knew and LEFT ME at a stranger's house (one of his co-workers) for a week. He didn't even KEEP me! I was 4 or 5 years old. While I was there, I believe some sexual abuse happened to me because I have a very fuzzy memory of something odd and I began to act out inappropriately and became obsessed with sex soon after. I don't remember anything specific, but I am suspicious. Not surprisingly, I have major trust issues. Someone who was supposed to protect me - my parent - abandoned me with people I didn't know for a week. My sister told me a few years ago that my dad never wanted me and even wanted my mom to abort me. That explains a lot about the way he's treated me throughout my life. My mere existence was an inconvenience and burden to him. I didn't ask him to get my mom (his wife) pregnant! I didn't ask to be born! I've never had a good relationship with him. I was so little when the abduction happened, I don't remember if I had PTSD afterward. I do remember that I had my first migraine shortly after and had nightmares every night for years. It is possible that I did have PTSD at that age, and it was triggered by my wife's injury. I really don't know.
In short, my life has been f*cked up for a long time and I want to get better. There's a lot going on, and a lot I need in order to feel safe. Thanks for reading.
About me... I'm 40, lesbian, separated from my wife but in a new relationship, and I have a 4-year-old son (anonymous donor) with my ex, who is his other legal parent. We are getting divorced. I think my PTSD stems from my ex's medical injury. She walked in for an outpatient procedure and never walked again. Something went wrong and she is now paralyzed. I was there for all of it. When no one came to get me from the waiting room after I could see on the screen that she'd been out of the procedure for 45 minutes, I had a sinking feeling that something was wrong and went searching for her. I was in a panic and my worst fears came true. I found her, in a post-op recovery room, sobbing hysterically that she couldn't feel or move her legs. She had become paralyzed at the T9 level, which means that she has no sensation or mobility from her mid-back down. It is irreversible. Having your spouse, who's in her early 30s, full of life and active, suddenly become paralyzed and completely dependent on others was the most horrendous nightmare imaginable. Right after it happened, I kept thinking that I'd eventually wake up. I never did. It was all real. Our son was almost 3 and will probably never remember her before she became wheelchair-bound.
I felt like she died and my therapist and I discovered that I processed her injury as a death. My PTSD kicked in after the initial shock of what had happened wore off. She was in the hospital and rehab for about six weeks. After she came home, her family refused to help us with anything and left me to care for her and our son myself, as well as working part-time, all the while criticizing me for not having a full-time job. She refused to tell them that we needed help or take my side in any way. They have never liked me, so they didn't care that I had too much on my plate for one person. She has always been a people-pleaser, but it's been worse since she's been paralyzed. I can only imagine the trauma SHE has experienced! This was all way too much for our marriage and we separated about four months ago. I had to fight for all of us, and she wouldn't fight for herself or our family. I begged her to tell them I needed help and needed them to stop being rude to me. She never did this, and I couldn't do it all myself anymore.
Also, about three months after she got home from the rehab, our roommate (a good friend of hers for 10 years) physically attacked her with a weapon in her wheelchair, and the police pressed charges on her for domestic violence. She has been convicted of assault and we also obtained a permanent restraining order against her. This attack brought up a whole new set of trauma issues and feeling unsafe. I slept with a baseball bat and thick curtain rod by the side of the bed. Every time I heard a noise, I was convinced that someone was breaking in to steal my son and sprang out of bed with one of those weapons. The assailant also filed a false police report claiming that I assaulted her. Of course, it was untrue and the case was thrown out, but not before I had to appear in court six times over the next five months to defend myself. Every single time was like opening up the wounds all over again. I knew I hadn't done anything wrong, but I felt like my freedom was in jeopardy. I didn't feel safe anywhere.
After the case was dismissed in late January or early February, I finally felt better! I felt almost no PTSD symptoms and thought I was out of the woods. However, that didn't last. My ex became enraged with me one night, throwing my laptop at me and throwing me into the wall as our son watched. In the SAME spot where the roommate had attacked her in front of our son a few months before. I didn't call the police, although I probably should have. Now that we are separated, and I have a girlfriend, my girlfriend has begun working on her own trauma, which includes childhood sexual abuse and multiple rapes. The most recent rape happened after we had started our relationship. This triggers my symptoms REALLY badly. About a month ago, my son and I moved to a new place, where my girlfriend has joined us. My movers robbed me of some expensive jewelry (the only thing I had worth selling, and I needed to sell it) and, again, I had to involve law enforcement in something that was due to being violated in my home. This has been another huge trigger for me lately. Since that happened and my girlfriend has been around, I am not dealing well with her rape at all. I know it's her trauma, but as a secondary victim who already has PTSD, it's hard not to let it consume me.
I get most anxious and symptomatic in the late afternoon and at night. I become a different person: suspicious, paranoid, insecure, and often pretty mean, distant, and cold. Really, I'm just feeling incredibly unsafe and need to be held and told that I'm loved and everything will be OK.
My family of origin doesn't approve of my relationship because I'm still legally married. They are beyond angry with me that my girlfriend has moved in. They don't speak to me anymore, except for one person. I also struggle with issues of abandonment, and their turning their backs on me has triggered that all over again. My first traumatic experience, which I've never been able to let go of, was being abducted by my dad while he and my mom were battling over custody of me in their divorce. My dad took me away from everyone and everything I knew and LEFT ME at a stranger's house (one of his co-workers) for a week. He didn't even KEEP me! I was 4 or 5 years old. While I was there, I believe some sexual abuse happened to me because I have a very fuzzy memory of something odd and I began to act out inappropriately and became obsessed with sex soon after. I don't remember anything specific, but I am suspicious. Not surprisingly, I have major trust issues. Someone who was supposed to protect me - my parent - abandoned me with people I didn't know for a week. My sister told me a few years ago that my dad never wanted me and even wanted my mom to abort me. That explains a lot about the way he's treated me throughout my life. My mere existence was an inconvenience and burden to him. I didn't ask him to get my mom (his wife) pregnant! I didn't ask to be born! I've never had a good relationship with him. I was so little when the abduction happened, I don't remember if I had PTSD afterward. I do remember that I had my first migraine shortly after and had nightmares every night for years. It is possible that I did have PTSD at that age, and it was triggered by my wife's injury. I really don't know.
In short, my life has been f*cked up for a long time and I want to get better. There's a lot going on, and a lot I need in order to feel safe. Thanks for reading.
