Let Her Budge..

[Survivor2Thriver]

Pinecones: :)

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

I had a good session with my T. I'm committed to working through therapy again. It would be an insult to my 8 yr old self if I chose not to. She endured a lot. I'm trying to determine where she lost her memory and find "little Lisa's" voice. Hopefully I can match her bravery. Yes I'm aware we are one and the same. She walked through hell with a brave face and sometimes I can't stop crying. Good news is I'm getting better at grounding skills. Flashbacks have caught up with body memories. That has to be addressed. UGH.

I'm going to pick up a yoga class...it might help...:)

They can all go straight to hell.

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

It's a beautiful snowy day. :) I went to the bookstore yesterday to pick up the book "The body remembers" Had to order it. Boo! LOL They didn't have "Walking the tiger either. Great. Now what? I was overwhelmed @ all the choices so I ended up walking out with a book called "F**K it therapy" LOL It should be a much needed comical read.

I was terrified I had to share a room with my sister. This has to be where I repressed my memories of that day. I remember telling my parents I didn't want to share a room with her anymore. My step dads reaction was deer in the headlights and my mom said don't be silly "she did it for you."

Subconsciously I believe the real reason I slept on the floor was to have a warning if she tried to use the knife on me again. Sometimes I slept in the closet.

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

My sister slit one of my wrists and my grandfather the other. There are no words to express how I feel about mommy dearest comment "she did it for you." Before she did it she asked my grandpa if she would still get new dresses.

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

I was bleeding dazed and confused as he pulled me out of the bathtub. My heart was pounding I felt like it was going to explode out of my chest. He shoved me towards my step dad. I end up in the basement with my friend. She was severely injured. We put dirt in her wounds to help stop the bleeding. My grandpa came downstairs to check on us. I told her to play dead. She did. He thought she would bleed out by morning. I knew we had to get out of there or we would die. I profusely apologized to her I had no idea my family was THAT crazy!! I waited for the train. I don't remember if it came I only remember wishing it would come so they won't hear us escaping.

I couldn't get her up the stairs! (She's older than me)There was no way I was leaving her there. I felt partly responsible! She wanted me to go ahead without her. I kept telling her we have to get outside someone will see us! That's our only chance. I don't know how she did it but she flew up the stairs. We made a lot of noise. She didn't have any strength left I didn't want my family to find her so I hid her in the neighbors yard by a tree stump and covered her with leaves. There was a row of apts that would/could see her. I ran to the firestation. That walk/run is heartwrenching..I struggle finding the words.:cry:

They find me. They are sick sick sick...again..no words. F those people. It defies logic they catch me only to turn around and kick me out.


The police find me on mainstreet in an enclosed storefront. They were very nice. He said there she is as he slowly approached me. I was terrified and shaking. I was relieved they were there...until I saw the bastard was with them too. First thing out of my mouth was "I didn't do it." And I didn't. They tried very hard to get me to tell them what happened. I don't remember much after that. I remember A social worker promised me they had a family that would take me in and I would never have to go back. All I had to do was tell them. I refused. I told her "he said you would say that." He drilled in my head they would eventually send me back. They always do. Then I'd have hell to pay. My grandpa was "somebody" my great grandfather was a state rep. The bastard threatened he would have me killed and I wouldn't see it coming. He knew people. He explained it in a way where I believed I was safer staying with them. If they killed me it would bring too much suspicion to what happened to my friend. If I was in foster care they could never prove it was them. He had a valid point. They were trying to play it off what happened to me and my friend as two different incidents. They were going to claim they had no idea what happened to my friend and I was a nutcase trying to commit suicide over an unrelated incident. He discussed several ways to play it. To this day I don't know what they decided on. And I don't give a damn. I know the truth. If I stayed with them and anything happened to me the police would know they were the ones who stabbed my friend. He also said he would have my friend killed too.

Deadlocked.

It's a touché`.

It still stands today. If they come after me it shows their guilt.

I'm not 8 anymore. :happy: I almost dare them.

I've left out many many many details. Important details.

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

Everyone has a purpose in life. My pain can help others. First stop.... police dept and the medical community.

 

[novemberDark]

Ya, i just got cataloged by a so called volunteer of this website as undiagnosed. I couldn't even respond to it.
I don't know yet what I am, I'm close with a sufferer, I also had my own traumas.

Here is what I mean when someone takes your power away all over again.Then hide it, whats wrong with this here? I don't even know ( I don't understand how staff on here could be so ignorent).typecasting me into a category, when I don't ev know. How can voluntary staff meber on here take the liberty to decide on where I label on this website, without pro teaining and even then?

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

@novemberDark..I can't answer your questions. You can try "forum help" to ask the staff.

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

Just has a great session with T. She says I'm not ready for EMDR just yet. Boo. ;) It's been about a year since my last flood of memories surfaced. I dealt with it on my own until I could get into my therapist office around June/July. Dear God. It's like a monster tsunami wave! LOL This is going to sound crude but there isn't a polite way to express the struggle of trying to sort my memories. Our minds are a beautiful thing. I believe memories flood our mind to protect us from going into shock. My mind jumped from one trauma to another. Thank God. I'm grateful my mind has the capacity to shut down. A clear trauma memory could have caused an instant heart attack. I had pain,ether,knives,hammers,rocks,blood, penis's,sadistic assholes,pliers,drowning, screaming matches,pillows,fire,needles,drugs,choking coming straight at me. An assault on all senses. I'm grateful I couldn't process it all at once.

At this point all I can say is..

I'm already there before I get there.

The peace in my heart is/was very hard won.

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

Wow. On a different note. A thread just got locked because I said abusers should have panic attacks and bang their heads against a wall. It's Mother nature doing her job!

There's a difference between trauma victims and abusers. Trauma survivors move forward in life while their abusers will forever bang their heads against the wall! Our road leads to great peace!

I don't know about anyone else....


I truly hope my abusers have panic attacks and bang their heads against a wall every single of their lives! :joyful:

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

Happy weekend everyone!!!!:joyful::joyful:

 

[anthony]

@Survivor2Thriver you're now really starting to piss me off with your bitching and whinging when action is taken due to your passive aggressive / aggressive posts. Staff actions are not up for public debate, and I really don't like people running off and whining about staff actions for their own stupidity.