Relationship Lets Talk About Sex And Intimacy

[LovingMySoldier]

well we have argued talked argued some more had an epic row but we are still together, I think it's what we needed to clea...

We are doing well. He's still sleeping on the sofa and still no sex, but we had a very good talk 2 days ago. And he's talking instead of isolating, so there's progress. He's at an interview now...hoping it goes well...I know the job situation is part of the physical problem because it's causing him a lot of stress.

Hang in there, MSH! Glad you two are working things out. I know he worries that I'm on my way out the door because everyone else has left when things were tough. Just spending a lot of time reassuring him right now that I'm in this for the long haul and not going to run.

 

[anbo1011]

After reading another introduction where a wife is struggling with her husband's lack of desire in the b...

Thank you for this post. I was diagnosed with PTSD 6 or so yes ago (as you know we re not good with memory). I still to this day struggle with intimacy. I was in LE as a profession and that is where 'it' happened.

I to this day still struggle with initimacy/sexual complications. Thank you for your advice and if you have any further I'd be interested to help ensure in the continuation of my relationship.

I love my wife and have prayed harder than I've prayed in my life for a 'normal' relationship.

Sorry for all the ' 's lol.

 

[anbo1011]

@intuition2015

As someone with PTAs from war it's not you.

 

[anbo1011]

@JP11

Stay strong. I'm right there with you. My mantra is "she loves me and remembers me."

We re never going to be the same but we need to adapt and overcome. Things will be all sunshine and rainbows eventually.

 

[Jane11]

.... this may be the post for me to vent by the sounds of it! My Husband and I havent had sex since we were married a year ago. We didnt have sex for about 6 months before that either, for a grand total of 18 months NO sex, and even before then we only averaged once every few months. I have a high libido, and his rejection feels incredibly cruel. How do you guys deal???

 

[lostforgottensoul]

No one has been able to last long in a relationship with me so i cant speak much in that direction. Thankfully i do hold being faithful at its highest so Id likely give a partner a run for his money.

My libedo is off the charts high. Likely insanely high. Though I have other issues thats easy to cover up and pretend with a one night stand or a stranger that i wouldnt be able to as easy with a partner such as flashbacks during sex and a huge weird thing with touching and jumping.

During my trauma i was a prostitute so that plays against me most times as i treat partners like a "John" as that's the only way I know. Ive had a few partners actually ask me if i wanted money on the nightstand, like the missed something, or said in a very sacastic way.

I play my past out as much as the other will play it out. Some will more than others by in the way of causing pain. Something else i wouldnt be able to hide easily, my desire for pain inside of sex.

Me and sex is rather weird. Not at all on the low end. Not even medication could effect that much. Just on the weirdness scale its rather high. Most guys dont really care how weird it is as long as its there but ive not had much by the way of a partner other than my ex but we were addicts together plus he was abusive so i dont have much to compare with.

 

[LovingMySoldier]

An update... still no sex... over 3 months now, and he's still on the sofa most nights. He explained the sofa thing as trying to distance himself from me emotionally because it's too hard right now and cuddling in bed makes that difficult. Of course, at first I was hurt by that. Then I remembered that even good stress causes his cup to overflow. He said the past couple months have been insanely rough on his ptsd and everything in him wants to take off and isolate. But he's not doing that because of my kids and I, so he's trying to work through it without shutting down completely. He also admitted the other night that he's been having suicidal ideation.

Twice in the past week and a half, he has said he's walking away from this relationship. But then when we talk, it comes down to him feeling like he's failing me and there's no way I can be happy. The thing is, I'm incredibly happy. Sure, I miss sex and physical intimacy with him A LOT... but there are thousands of other ways he shows me he loves me. For now, I'm just focusing on reducing his stress and reassuring him that I'm not going anywhere and I am very, very happy.

 

[Robgomez]

Maybe I shouldn't say anything. But this really hit home with me. We always seem to have this problems. He...

I have been dating someone who after 2 months told me she had ptsd. I didn't fully understand it. She barley wanted to get intimate. I would of been fine but she decided to tell me that she met and old h.s friend who was in town for a month and they started having sex a lot ( she went into numbers, every weekend up to twice a day) which i would rather of not of known. She wanted to be honest. This was about a month and half before we started dating. That hit me hard knowing she could be sexual witb a guy she hasn't seen or talked to since h.s. but won't even touch me. I tried to just ignore it but 7 months in we barley have been intimate 4 times and that was 5 months ago. It hurt being turned down constantly. But knowing what she said about her amount of sex with her friend just makes me feel like it's just me, she said she loves me and she has only been able to say that to two other people in her life she's dated. That makes me happy but doesn't keep me thinking it's just me. I don't turn her on enough sexually. I was on our laptop a couple months ago and found she had porn sites saved. I asked her about ot and she said she just watches once in awhile but doesn't masturbate, but knowing she doesn't even touch me i just think she does and rather watch it and take care of herself thsn bother trying with me. I've been reading snything i can on ptsd and really didn't help much until i found this site. I get it now sex with someone she is only going to see a month is easier than with someone she loves. I told her when we met i have only been with 2 other woman and after a heartbreak of a fiance cheating i stopped dating for 21 years just worked on myself. I didn't have flings during that time. So as a man knowing she had more sex in a month with a guy and 7 months with me maybe 4 times makes me feel worthless. My self esteem is really bad. But I'm trying because i also fell in love with her. Any advice to help move past this?

 

[Scoobysnax31]

I'm all new to this and I want to first say thanks for everyone being so open. I'm a supporter and learning as I go. I've been dating My GF for about 6months. She brought up that she wanted to have sex to me last week while we were on a trip away and for the first time in years that she wanted to, but was way to nervous so she shut down. She didn't tell me this until we got back from our trip. Now idk what caused her PTSD other then a a very bad relationship for years as she tells me tid bits, but never really got into the details. I've been working side by side with her just trying to feel comfortable and such and waiting her out with anything we will or won't do. She doesn't even liked to be touched or kissed, but has opened up a little bit with me which means a lot. She has major issues verbally communicating her feelings and shuts down when she starts feeling things. The words " I love you" don't exist in her vocabulary. I've had to put my own needs aside for her as our relationship is on a very deep level which is pretty awesome and she is so worth the time and effort. My question is how would we even be able to have sex and feel comfortable? I wouldn't even know where to start with her as I wouldn't want to set her in a bad place mentally. Thanks again for any insight

 

[Finchlet2]

I will just say that forcing sex can be bad too. I have hated when, even when I am assured it's "OK"...

Respect. Strong attitude to have. Correct one to I guess but then you feel a huge responsibility as a wife to provide sex. Our situation mimics yours in many ways. My husband is understandably dissatisfied l. It's been months since we've had sex and I feel like a sadist that I feel relief from that because I hate the turmoil it puts him in. He says I need to make a decision about what I want in terms of our phisical relationship but I'm so confused as I do want to satisfy him but I don't want sex to exist. Tall order.

 

[Michelle4help]

I came across this thread on a desperate search for answers - let's face it, Google search is cheaper than a therapist. It comforts me to see that I'm not the only one going through sexual dysfunction because of PTSD. I was abused by my stepdad for years at a very young age. Everyone, including myself, thought I had handled the aftermath (post arrest) well. I'm an extroverted drama queen at times, so I wasn't afraid to let my feelings out when I needed. I thought my battle was over during my second year in college. A dear friend had encouraged me to talk about it, you know, sort of run back through it all, cry about it, laugh about it, let it go. This was five years ago. I'm now 25, four months pregnant with my first baby and all of a sudden the PTSD is surfacing (hormones man). It started with the typical night terrors. Sometimes I wake up crying because I dreamt something that felt very real and was extremely gruesome. It has now hit my sex life. I've always had minor sexual dysfunction - sex with strangers is easier for me. I destroy my long term relationships. Eventually it's as if my partner is raping me - he's not. My hands ball up into fists and my blood starts to boil. I feel myself turn red. My teeth clench and I beg it to be over in my head. I move awkwardly during the whole thing and it takes everything in me to keep from screaming and throwing punches. It feels gross, slimy, wrong. I feel guilty for even slightly liking it, then I hate myself. I know this is all because of my past, but I really thought it would leave me already, having been 11yrs since the abuse. I'm now paranoid I'm going to demolish my relationship, be a horrible mom and wind up like my mother - a lost woman who tries to find herself and love in the many men who are willing to drive over for a quick lay, career-less and without my children. No offense to my mother. I understand her. She's been through a lot too...but that's another story. Anyway, I'm begging for answers. I need help. For now, I'll kiss my man goodnight (he's pleasantly snoring beside me) and hope someone hears my cry so that maybe he won't have to feel so unwanted, untouched tomorrow. Love, Michelle

 

[Hojay]

I can highly recommend David Schnarch's books on intimacy and sex in long-term relationships, for example "Passionate Marriage."

They are not about trauma or PTSD relationships per se, but they do one hell of a job at getting to the bottom of withholding/pursuing and other common sexual "dysfunction." I put that in quotes because Schnarch strongly opposes viewing these dynamics as dysfunctional, but rather as an understandable and very common outgrowth of conflict in committed relationships. I started reading this book thinking I was the "healthy" one...well, I learned more about sex, intimacy, and my own hangups in this regard than I could have ever imagined.

I strongly recommend supporters in PTSD relationships to read these books precisely BECAUSE they mostly dissect "normal" relationship dynamics. We can get so caught up in the manifestations and symptoms of PTSD, we can lose sight of where "normal" conflict ends and illness starts. It's helped me immensely in finally weeding out the true core of the problem PTSD poses in regards to intimacy and sex.

These books are worth their weight in lube.