Relationship Lets Talk About Sex And Intimacy

[MsH]

I would like to thank all the posters on this thread, I am 8 months in to a new relationship with an ex gunner. I woke up this morning feeling physically unwanted because our sex life is once a month if that, I know he loves me he tells me all the time, he shows me in little ways that all mount up but the PTSD hinders our sex life there is no doubt about it, I love physical intimacy so for him to not want to hurts like hell but I'm here I'm going nowhere and I want to understand

 

[LovingMySoldier]

After reading another introduction where a wife is struggling with her husband's lack of desire in the b...

I can't begin to describe how happy I am to have found this thread/forum. My bf was very up front about his ptsd from the beginning of our relationship about 4 months ago. I was married to someone who was bipolar and had an anxiety disorder for over 23 years, so many aspects of loving someone with ptsd are not as hard for me to cope with.

The lack of physical affection (hand holding, kissing, etc.) has been more of an adjustment because touch is my love language; but I have learned to appreciate the other ways in which he demonstrates his love for me instead. Do I miss a good make-out session? Of course. Is it something I am willing to give up because it's not his thing and probably never will be? Absolutely.

Two things that helped me were that our sex life was incredible. My sex drive is incredibly high and his was at least as strong as mine was. On top of that, it was seriously the best sex I have ever had by far. The icing on the cake was that for whatever reason, while he doesn't cuddle or hold hands during waking hours, he is very big on cuddling in bed. This provided me with the physical touch I craved.

We have reached a point where he is pretty much living with me. A big change from the early days where he would disappear for 2-3 days at a time... lol. And emotionally, we have become incredibly close. He has become much better at expressing his feelings and opening up to me. Our emotional relationship is going amazingly well. Physically, however, not so much. Like many with ptsd, sleep does not come easily for him. He started staying in the living room to watch tv after I went to bed, promising to come "in a little while..." This almost always results in him sleeping on the sofa, and it is happening more and more often. Our sex life has become non-existent. This left me feeling very rejected and unwanted. At first, he gave no explanation other than he wasn't in the mood. Then, he finally told me it was related to his ptsd flaring up. He had a bad motorcycle accident and then about 2 weeks later lost his job. The combination has sent his ptsd into a tail spin. Even with him telling me it was ptsd related, because of some things in my past, it was hard for me to believe it wasn't somehow because of me.

This thread has really helped me to see that it's not just me. It's really not about me at all other than possibly it is more difficult for him because he is emotionally closer to me than he was before. And if I had to choose between the best sex of my life and the emotional closeness we have now? There's no question what I would choose. I can handle my own sexual needs.

Thank you to those of you who were willing to share so openly. I know loving someone with ptsd isn't easy, but I'm in this for the long haul. And come to think of it, I'm not always easy to love either.

 

[LovingMySoldier]

I woke up this morning feeling physically unwanted because our sex life is once a month if that, I know he loves me he tells me all the time, he shows me in little ways that all mount up but the PTSD hinders our sex life there is no doubt about it, I love physical intimacy so for him to not want to hurts like hell but I'm here I'm going nowhere and I want to understand

I have been in exactly the same place for the past couple months. I've felt very unwanted. The constant rejection is difficult not to take personally. Especially from someone that couldn't keep their hands off of me 4 months ago. When he said it was ptsd related, I first thought it was an excuse...there must be someone else, or he doesn't find me attractive any more, or I must be doing something wrong. He kept trying to assure me it was him and not me, which sounds like a break up line.

I would encourage you to take time to read this full thread. The comments from sufferers and supporters were so helpful in opening my eyes. And like your bf, there are so many ways that mine demonstrates his love for me outside of physical intimacy. You need to keep reminding yourself that his lack of interest really isn't about you at all. Hang in there!

 

[MsH]

I have been in exactly the same place for the past couple months. I've felt very unwanted. The constant reject...

Thank you LovingMySoldier yes reading other people's posts has helped me understand and yes when we first got together we made love a lot and now it's gone to nothing and yeah I've gone through all the suspicious things is he sleeping with someone else etc, we actually talked about it last night and I told him I'd been reading up on it trying to understand and he did try to explain, he even said if he doesn't satisfy me he'll understand if I leave. I don't want to leave I want to love him in every way so that made me cry. Yesterday was my birthday and I thought oh he will probably make the effort but no...I didn't get a card or a present either, he said trying to choose a card stressed him out so he left it. Despite all this I know he loves me, he loves me but there is something missing some emotional connection that's not there.

 

[MsH]

bit of an update while we were out last night out of the blue he said I do love you babe... I said I know you do I just wish you'd show me more...his answer was I wish I knew how, so like I say it's like something has switched off emotionally with our invisible wounded. Long story short but we made love last night and it was lovely, we've been out for lunch today and had a day just us together . It really is a one day at a time thing with a PTSD relationship but i love this man and I know he loves me

 

[LovingMySoldier]

bit of an update while we were out last night out of the blue he said I do love you babe... I said I know you do I just wi...

My bf walked up to me in the kitchen yesterday and out of the blue gave me a hug and said I love you. Nothing unusual with that in a typical relationship, but for him that's a first. He gives hugs when I initiate them or when one of us is coming or going, but not just out of nowhere initiated by him. In the same way, he'll say I love you in response to me saying it or when we're saying goodbye, but I've never had him just tell me like that.

And while the I love you and hug had me on cloud nine, I've just spent the past hour and a half crying. The abuse in my previous marriage left me with a lot of self worth issues. Specifically, that I was undesirable sexually. So this whole lack of sex drive thing he's going through right now is a challenge. I remind myself constantly that it's not me, it's the ptsd; but it's hard. Especially when everything I'm reading says that things should improve when stress is decreased. He says this is the least stress he has felt in years and that he is happier than he ever remembers being. Almost all of his other symptoms have drastically improved. Depression is gone, nightmares are almost non-existent, and the ones he has occasionally are mild and not related to his trauma. So it's hard to understand why the sexual thing is getting worse.

On top of that, his occasional sleeping on the sofa has become his new norm. So now I don't get the physical connection in bed either. For someone whose primary love language is touch, this is killing me. I've tried to tell him that especially since we're not sexually intimate, I really need this...and he's still on the sofa. He still has trouble sleeping, so he often stays up after I go to bed to watch tv. He used to come to bed after awhile (most nights). It's hard not to feel like he's just trying to avoid all physical contact with me.

There are so many ways that he shows his love for me. So I try to understand that he's not going to verbalize his emotions. I know he's not big on physical touch. But he used to be into sex and cuddling in bed. There's no way he's cheating. I'm a teacher and off for the summer and he's not working right now. We're together 24/7.

Any input would be greatly appreciated. I miss him...

 

[MsH]

My bf walked up to me in the kitchen yesterday and out of the blue gave me a hug and said I lov...

I know exactly how you feel it's so frustrating being told your loved on one hand then being cold shouldered on the other, we can get in bed he cuddles me initially then he turns on his side and there is no further contact. Sometimes he holds my hand, part of me thinks he is now following my lead sometimes now though, I will kiss him or give him a hug and he does accept it etc so my way of working this out in my head is I have to be the romantic one show love etc and just maybe he will thaw a little, does that make sense ? Another question I have do any other ladies find their PTSD partner to be insanely jealous and protective ? That's another thing I find with him and stupidly another two ways I know he loves me I'm his end off I'm his mrs. This man confuses the hell out of me x

 

[LovingMySoldier]

@MsH my bf isn't overly jealous, but he is definitely a protector...of me, my children, and the few others he has allowed into his inner circle. I think the protector part is connected to his military experience.

I also find that I am usually the one that needs to initiate romance or physical affection. That's why the kitchen caught me so off guard the other day.

I was going to talk to him today about boundaries and my needs. Then he had a situation this morning that caused stress to rise and symptoms to flair. On the plus side, in the past a morning like this would have caused him to pull away and isolate for at least a day. Today, however, he came over and talked about it. Then, he said he wanted to spend the day with me, but he didn't want to have to make any decisions. Yes, he's on the sofa tonight and I'm alone in bed (again), but I'm choosing to count today as a victory anyway. The boundary talk will wait for another day when his stress level isn't already through the roof.

 

[MsH]

i agree with you sometimes you have to choose your moment to broach a subject like I did when he said he loved me at weekend I just said I know you do just wish you showed it more and then the conversation started without me confronting him etc I caught him when he was ready to listen to my every word as he was in the right frame of mind

 

[MsH]

Well last night was difficult I'm cooling things off with Him for a while, he's not acting like someone who loves me he's acting like I irritate and annoy him just by being around, long story short he thought it was perfectly acceptable to not wait five minutes for me while I finished my staff drink when I worked on Thursday and I ended up walking home in the dark to his house alone. He told someone last week there's only one woman in his life and that's his mum and that hurt, he didn't bother to buy me a birthday card or present either. Went to his last night when he was working and took all my stuff, I'm tired of walking on egg shells now with him and his PTSD, but PTSD doesn't excuse me being ignored and treated like your invisible and not even considering I could have been attacked on my way home Thursday night and not even seeming to care, he just said to the landlady she'll be fine she hasn't far to walk, I texted him last night to say I wasn't going to Staffordshire today and that i think I'm irritating him being around so much but he hasn't even replied, that to me speaks volumes x

 

[LovingMySoldier]

I'm so sorry. You're correct, not everything can be excused by ptsd.

I tried to set boundaries with mine about the sofa sleeping. Tried to explain how badly I need some form of physical contact. Asked him to please come to bed at least every third night. The other 5 each week, he can sleep where he wants. No response. Then the past 2 nights...sofa. Last night, before I went to bed, he said he'd be down in a little while...if he didn't fall asleep...which he did. So I sent a long text explaining my frustration and he left and is isolating. *sigh*

I love him. This is killing me...

 

[MsH]

well we have argued talked argued some more had an epic row but we are still together, I think it's what we needed to clear the air and get things straight from both our view points, we love each other so we have to make it work. I hope you two are ok LovingMySoldier, it's so nice to vent to someone who understands x