General Letter From Someone Who Has Recovered From Depression

[Bilby]

I agree that honesty is essential in a relationship, but sensitivity is also very important, particularly where mental health is concerned.

I'm glad for you, that you seem to have received the response you wanted from your husband - but I would be rather upset if I were on the receiving end of such a letter. I can't help but feel that it is casting so much blame and negativity in it's own right - and it could easily push someone over the edge.

Whilst I don't have PTSD (my husband does, and that's why I'm here on this forum), I do however, have depression and anxiety. I did not choose it. If it were as easy as making a choice, I would have 'chosen' NOT to have it a hell of a long time ago.

 

[Bilby]

I'd also like to add - I'm getting help for my depression and anxiety. My husband is getting help for his PTSD. For both of us, this involves medication, and therapy with a specialist. This is what we do as we're responsible for our own mental health. We're doing the best we can and we're also paving our way forward for a happy life together - as individuals, a couple, and a family. Perhaps our efforts aren't up to other people's standards - I don't know - but right now, doing the best that WE can feels good for us and I'm more than happy to defend that.

 

[AS1975]

Ok... Let me respond as someone who has finally sought treatment

I didn't choose to be molested as a child, I didn't choose to be involved in car accidents, I didn't choose to be emotionally and physically abused as a teenager, or to be in buildings that were on fire, to be actually on fire myself, to be faced with truly awful situations and forced to cope, or to be physically scarred. I didn't choose any of these things, they happened all the same.

I did choose to fight and keep my chin up, then fight again, but there was something very seriously wrong. It didn't matter how much I chose to ignore what happened in the past, how much I chose to ignore the 'why me?', the 'poor me', or other so-called princess moments, or tried my guts out, shit just kept going wrong, the uncontrollable anger, frustration and resentment, just kept boiling over and destroying everything I'd built and my relationships with everyone I knew.

I've had to actually grow up and look around me, I've had to reevaluate my own actions, they aren't 'dumb', I'd also question whether they are 'heroic', but they are somewhere in the middle. One thing they aren't is weak or cowardly. In fact, looking around, people who've done the things I have (or similar) have an alarming tendency to struggle dealing with life afterwards. It doesn't mean they are weak, some people who struggle would be amongst the toughest, bravest people I've ever known, which tells me toughen up and deal with it, just doesn't work.

Perhaps your no-nonsense, direct way of dealing with things would do well to examine what denial really is and what forms it can take. Mental health is not a game, PTSD and Depression are as real and as dangerous as cancer (and toughening up and ignoring them is as effective a treatment as doing so with cancer might I add). If you aren't trolling and trying to set off the reaction you are getting, then I suggest you seek competent, professional advice.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thanks AS1975, toughen up only works for so long. That's really kind.

 

[The Albatross]

As usual, I'm the odd one out. I'd have no problem receiving a letter like this from my spouse. In fact I would have preferred it... paraphrased from somewhere else or not. I was too reactive when I was full blown and overstimulated and defensive to have conversations of this caliber when I was in crisis.

The people I value the most are the ones who dare to share things "as they see them" right, wrong, or indifferent. I preferred candid, frank, and written format. I responded better to that than face to face communication. It took me a long while before I felt "safe" enough to have serious discussions with my partner.

I did have to toughten up. I had to form the coping skills I needed to tolerate the world as it is... instead of cut myself off from it by agoraphobia and booze. I needed to be willing to do many things I was uncomfortable with to endeavor to rejoin relationship with my husband, family and community. A good swift kick in the ass was a good motivation... because my husband was and had clearly tried everything in his power first to help me... and I was still stuck in my behaviors. A reality check in my case was painful but ultimately beneficial... because it motivated me to try to change. I could accept my husband's words, because flawed or not... I knew he loved me more than my family did. His letter to me was a hard read... but through it I knew he was trying to help me.

Very glad, That Chick, that the letter was received in the spirit it was given. There is a risk in any sincere attempt to communicate, and you took it. Good for you. You're partner is lucky to have you.

I find the accusation of trolling offensive... and I'm not easily offended. The poster is a supporter and does not deserve to be attacked for her opinion.

 

[The Albatross]

I don't believe in throwing the baby out with the bathwater. My partner's letter to me, was chock full of cliches and wrongheaded ideas. He was no intellectual, or therapist... no medical professional. I guess I was fortunate that like That Chick's parntner... I chose to see his worry for me, his angst, and his desperation to try to help me... instead of pick apart what was written. When I could look at my husband, I saw a sad, frightened, exhausted man who was doing everything he could to support me through my crisis. I saw that he cared enough to be honest with me and that he took a big risk because he was nearing the end of his rope.

From my husband's point of view, I had abandoned him and my marriage. And I had... my substance abuse, depression, and PTSD nearly destroyed my marriage. He saw no other choice, than try that with me... because he saw me slipping further and further in my head and away.

 

[intothelight]

I will not say that I agree with everything in this letter. One point that I do agree with is the responsibility for changing negative thinking patterns and the beneficial effect this can have upon not only the person who engages in them, but their loved ones. It is the responsibility of the person who has PTSD, depression, or other disorders. Only they can change themselves.

But with that being said, there is also the other side where change is not just suddenly "thinking differently" and then all is well in the world. Through medication, therapy, lifesyle changes, etc. real and lasting changes can be made. This is all a part of healing. Healing takes time and effort and it is filled with detours, backslides, and great advancements all mixed up together.

Also, depression isn't something abnormal. All people will find themselves depressed to one degree or another throughout life. Life can be rough, and it is OK to be down sometimes. I think those that have experienced severe depression in the past can be very frightened by this or feel somehow that it is not acceptable. (JMHO)

One other thing that everyone should keep in mind. Communication is messy, but as long as their is communication and people keep an open mind, progress can be made. It is in the sharing of ideas and the exchange with respect that we can learn and grow. We don't have to agree, and it is OK to agree to disagree.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

The only thing I will say is that I understand the sprite of the letter, even if I don't agree with it all. Though I do think it could be phased differently and not given on a lie. Lying is not a good foundation in my opinion.

Everyone here as some good views, and everyone has a right to those views.

Calm down everyone.

 

[anthony]

I wouldn't say the letter is wrong, but I also wouldn't say it is right either.

That Chick, what you're completely missing here, is that you are writing that after the fact when recovered. Hindsight is a wonderful thing to then become another 'excuse' to convince yourself your approach is the approach / view for all depressed.

Did you have that view when depressed? No. You outlined your view was vastly different.

Telling someone who is depressed what you have, isn't helpful, but more likely to make them more depressed. Sure, it may work on a minority, though the majority would become more depressed due to your words.

The more important words for you to be saying to your husband would be 'how' you recovered. What did you change? What could he change? What has worked for others? What isn't he doing that he needs to be?

The majority of depression is type A-Typical, which is a mood based depression. To change it one must first understand it. You then change it through routine, swapping out negative behaviours for positive behaviours. You establish an eating and exercise routine, though you must also meet the persons life expectations at the same time.

Direct is good, don't get me wrong. I love direct. But be armed with all the facts, not so much only just your experience. Your experience is not the answer to depression. Your words are hindsight. Anyone who recovers will see that. That is not helpful though at the time. Someone helping you change is what becomes helpful.

Saying all of that... you cannot force someone to change (recover) who isn't ready or doesn't want to. That is the point you have to remove yourself and take care of yourself and those you're responsible for (kids), and leave them to make their own choices. You can hope they choose to turn their life around, but you cannot make them unfortunately. It is one of the key issues with depression.

Depression is not controversial either. Depression is quite well established. What is controversial is pharmaceutical companies alignment that all depression is a chemical imbalance and requires anti-depressants. That is completely false and is proven, factual, via MEG studies. There is no chemical balance to imbalance.

Again, the majority of depression is mood based. So yes, a person does actually have control over that, however; knowing it via experience and thinking it / being told it, are very different things. You have to beat depression, even for a brief period, to obtain experience that your actions can control it without medication.

 

[AS1975]

I find the letter offensive. I have always tried to toughen up and when I discuss PTSD with other male sufferers, it seems to be the single most important barrier to getting treatment, as it was with me. Looking at it from your perspective Albatross, is that maybe a male thing, or is it that I (and others) are the products of our environment?

But for me, suggesting people spend more time avoiding treatment using the single biggest excuse for refusing treatment that I know of, is offensive. Toughen up can only go so far, suggesting otherwise is to ignore reality.That said I do understand that a heartfelt letter from a partner may be useful when communication lines have been down for a while, regardless of right or wrong, that doesn't change the fact that sometimes treatment is essential, denial notwithstanding.

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Addressing Anthony's post (we posted at virtually the same time), I have dealt with PTSD while my partner steadfastly refused to accept that there was a problem. That denial, the assumption that my issues would simply go away, was harder to deal with than the illness itself and compounded my problems dramatically. While I would agree that hindsight 'might' cause people to propound interesting ideas, the letter made me angry precisely because it is trying to suggest a strategy that I know and fear because it simply does not work. As the letter was posted to get feedback from someone in the same situation as I am, I responded as I did (as I would have if my wife had written the same).