harmony of love
Bronze Member
Thank you all!
Beth, you are more than right as I do love my BF dearly. My emotions seem to be walking me, at times. Like when you see a dog who is clearly a lot stronger than their owner/walker you wonder who is walking who here? I can feel like that too sometimes, when I had to tell myself stop crying or just to gain composure because I was too nutty in my thinking.
Amethist, I appreciate your genuine support of healing. I am so grateful to have found this wonderful fellowship of compassion. My heart feels warmed at a time of cold surroundings. Even though I live in Hawai`i the winter is brewing all around my relationship.
Clarity, perhaps we are similar than expected for here I am wanting to not let go and hoping to stay! I did create new dreams Saturday night and it felt awesome. Thinking about myself and enjoying times with friends. Got wicked caught up in Guitar Hero! I do not own a TV so it would be hard for me to have fun at my place with such games.
Suzie, by far your snap snap is still tickling a big smile in my heart. Then it goes heck, I want to share my love with him, bummer. This roller coaster ride is truly up and down. I love carnivals though, so maybe I am built to hang on and with honor.
Nicolette and Pebbles, the honesty is easy for me because as my sufferer, filters are hard to come by for us. I speak from my heart, or as they say where it on my sleeve. Plus, this site makes it a breeze as well. The welcoming shoulders and spirited responses creates a tender union of comfort.
So, to bring us all up to date. His mother contacted me on Sunday asking if we could speak, for she needed to vent. We met on the corner, I tried to not think what it was about. It was not about her son and we moved the party talk to a pub to watch football. We both do not drink, but love to watch games. We had an amazing day and evening. Discussing our hearts and dreams, filled with the occasional annoyance of drunken men.
I expressed to her that if her son came to my home at night, I do not think I would turn him away. I would not kiss him either...then I quickly corrected myself and said well, I am going to try not to kiss him, because boy do I want to! She laughed and said, I like that...I know what you mean if my ex-husband came walking in this door I would kiss him right away!
We left the pub around 8 kept talking on the corner till after 9. She is wonderful and I adore her. She would just tell me to follow my heart. That is all you can do, take care of yourself and stay true.
I went home feeling good and spirited. Put on some New York music and began to get ready for work the next day. As I cleaned, I heard the click of my gate. Instantly, I thought enough of the crazy head, he's not here you are just hearing things. In my heart, I knew it was him! He then knocked on my window, but I could not see and said just that while I cut out the light. I walked to the door and still could not see him.
I knew it was him and I said ........(his name) and he said softly yes. He looked so nervous. It had been about 2 weeks and my heart was racing!! He smiled and just kept looking nervous with his eyes real big. He said what you doing as he shuffled his feet. I just looked at him with amazement and said nothing what u doing....then I said tenderly with a smile....its weird to see you. He responded with a jokingly, I am not dead, I am right here. I paused and smiled...he shut the gate and he looked more nervous as if he was afraid of how I would address him. I asked if he would like to come in.
Now we had gotten into this pattern of him sleeping over, so I was not shocked that he wanted to spend the night. Just baffled that here he was... He put his lunch in the fridge, which sealed the deal of him staying over for me. We spoke about the Yankees winning the series, basketball, and joked about a few things. It was like old times. He brought up Texas and he shared stories of coworkers and base. I have not heard about those parts of his life for a while. It was refreshing to speak with him calmly, like old times. I was very strong...kept focus on my tasks. I did not drop everything for him. I was proud of myself too.
He laid down and I took a shower, by the time I returned he was asleep and looking ooooooh so cute. I took off his socks and pants. That is it! Promise, nothing more it was just to ease his sleep environment. I laid next to him and reached for his shoulder to feel our distance. I did not want to cuddle for I am trying to be strong. I touched him one more time as a goodnight, because I always want to kiss him goodnight, but that would not be in check with my boundaries. I could feel his energy all night. I thought about him so much, wondering about our positions and if he was awake at certain times.
I had work earlier than he, so before I left I touched his sleeping head softly...as it would have been a kiss. My, my, my...I am still uncertain as time has drifted.
My family and friends are disappointed in me. They all had the exact same reaction...did he tell you why, did you ask him why he could treat you like that, why did you let him in, why did you take him back? It was rather frustrating. Our PTSD chat room helped a great deal, which is why I have not reposted. The direct connection was wonderful. I hope to have more support here and it is truly welcomed and appreciated.
I have not heard from him since that night. I am also trying to stick to my plan, keeping a low profile in regards to communication. I have not contacted him at all, it feels a little cold, but I am trying to be respectful. Some sufferers said it can feel like a demand when you are being imed or phoned. That is not my intention, by far the opposite of my actions. I call, im, or write because I love him and want to send that emotion to his heart or make him giggle. So that being typed and understood it solidifies my not contacting him is also loving. Giving himself and myself space is healthy. I will admit that everything in my heart shot up to the stars when I felt his presence. Gollllllly, do I love this man.
Tonight, I am going out again to spend time with my girlfriends. It should be amazing. This girlfest lasts up until the 14th so its perfect timing to keep me busy. Also, I leave for NY on December 10th for a long trip home. Its exactly what I need. To be around my family, cold fun weather, NYC, and food that I crave daily! I moved to Hawaii 3 years ago on a dream journey. He is my first boyfriend since moving here, I am a quality not quantity lady. Thank you all for being a part of my life and I hope to stay in touch with all of you. This is just the beginning! Have a soothing night.
Aloha:hello:
Beth, you are more than right as I do love my BF dearly. My emotions seem to be walking me, at times. Like when you see a dog who is clearly a lot stronger than their owner/walker you wonder who is walking who here? I can feel like that too sometimes, when I had to tell myself stop crying or just to gain composure because I was too nutty in my thinking.
Amethist, I appreciate your genuine support of healing. I am so grateful to have found this wonderful fellowship of compassion. My heart feels warmed at a time of cold surroundings. Even though I live in Hawai`i the winter is brewing all around my relationship.
Clarity, perhaps we are similar than expected for here I am wanting to not let go and hoping to stay! I did create new dreams Saturday night and it felt awesome. Thinking about myself and enjoying times with friends. Got wicked caught up in Guitar Hero! I do not own a TV so it would be hard for me to have fun at my place with such games.
Suzie, by far your snap snap is still tickling a big smile in my heart. Then it goes heck, I want to share my love with him, bummer. This roller coaster ride is truly up and down. I love carnivals though, so maybe I am built to hang on and with honor.
Nicolette and Pebbles, the honesty is easy for me because as my sufferer, filters are hard to come by for us. I speak from my heart, or as they say where it on my sleeve. Plus, this site makes it a breeze as well. The welcoming shoulders and spirited responses creates a tender union of comfort.
So, to bring us all up to date. His mother contacted me on Sunday asking if we could speak, for she needed to vent. We met on the corner, I tried to not think what it was about. It was not about her son and we moved the party talk to a pub to watch football. We both do not drink, but love to watch games. We had an amazing day and evening. Discussing our hearts and dreams, filled with the occasional annoyance of drunken men.
I expressed to her that if her son came to my home at night, I do not think I would turn him away. I would not kiss him either...then I quickly corrected myself and said well, I am going to try not to kiss him, because boy do I want to! She laughed and said, I like that...I know what you mean if my ex-husband came walking in this door I would kiss him right away!
We left the pub around 8 kept talking on the corner till after 9. She is wonderful and I adore her. She would just tell me to follow my heart. That is all you can do, take care of yourself and stay true.
I went home feeling good and spirited. Put on some New York music and began to get ready for work the next day. As I cleaned, I heard the click of my gate. Instantly, I thought enough of the crazy head, he's not here you are just hearing things. In my heart, I knew it was him! He then knocked on my window, but I could not see and said just that while I cut out the light. I walked to the door and still could not see him.
I knew it was him and I said ........(his name) and he said softly yes. He looked so nervous. It had been about 2 weeks and my heart was racing!! He smiled and just kept looking nervous with his eyes real big. He said what you doing as he shuffled his feet. I just looked at him with amazement and said nothing what u doing....then I said tenderly with a smile....its weird to see you. He responded with a jokingly, I am not dead, I am right here. I paused and smiled...he shut the gate and he looked more nervous as if he was afraid of how I would address him. I asked if he would like to come in.
Now we had gotten into this pattern of him sleeping over, so I was not shocked that he wanted to spend the night. Just baffled that here he was... He put his lunch in the fridge, which sealed the deal of him staying over for me. We spoke about the Yankees winning the series, basketball, and joked about a few things. It was like old times. He brought up Texas and he shared stories of coworkers and base. I have not heard about those parts of his life for a while. It was refreshing to speak with him calmly, like old times. I was very strong...kept focus on my tasks. I did not drop everything for him. I was proud of myself too.
He laid down and I took a shower, by the time I returned he was asleep and looking ooooooh so cute. I took off his socks and pants. That is it! Promise, nothing more it was just to ease his sleep environment. I laid next to him and reached for his shoulder to feel our distance. I did not want to cuddle for I am trying to be strong. I touched him one more time as a goodnight, because I always want to kiss him goodnight, but that would not be in check with my boundaries. I could feel his energy all night. I thought about him so much, wondering about our positions and if he was awake at certain times.
I had work earlier than he, so before I left I touched his sleeping head softly...as it would have been a kiss. My, my, my...I am still uncertain as time has drifted.
My family and friends are disappointed in me. They all had the exact same reaction...did he tell you why, did you ask him why he could treat you like that, why did you let him in, why did you take him back? It was rather frustrating. Our PTSD chat room helped a great deal, which is why I have not reposted. The direct connection was wonderful. I hope to have more support here and it is truly welcomed and appreciated.
I have not heard from him since that night. I am also trying to stick to my plan, keeping a low profile in regards to communication. I have not contacted him at all, it feels a little cold, but I am trying to be respectful. Some sufferers said it can feel like a demand when you are being imed or phoned. That is not my intention, by far the opposite of my actions. I call, im, or write because I love him and want to send that emotion to his heart or make him giggle. So that being typed and understood it solidifies my not contacting him is also loving. Giving himself and myself space is healthy. I will admit that everything in my heart shot up to the stars when I felt his presence. Gollllllly, do I love this man.
Tonight, I am going out again to spend time with my girlfriends. It should be amazing. This girlfest lasts up until the 14th so its perfect timing to keep me busy. Also, I leave for NY on December 10th for a long trip home. Its exactly what I need. To be around my family, cold fun weather, NYC, and food that I crave daily! I moved to Hawaii 3 years ago on a dream journey. He is my first boyfriend since moving here, I am a quality not quantity lady. Thank you all for being a part of my life and I hope to stay in touch with all of you. This is just the beginning! Have a soothing night.
Aloha:hello:
