Relationship Letting Go

[kacee129]

A new day...I wish it could be different. I wake up and realize that "my dream" is over. In a small way my situation is different. He doesn't isolate. He wants to be with me continually. What happens with him is that he can not handle any type of stress. Even little things that I wouldn't give a second thought to start him up. And from that one thing it escalates to another and then another. He says he "knows" that something is going to go wrong. That it always goes wrong. That he doesn't know what he has done to make the man upstairs hate him so much. Its hard to decribe what happens to him. Its like he just keeps talking and talking faster and faster. this is wrong. that is wrong. how am I going to do this, or that. Sometimes it will go on for hours. If I try to calm him down he will get angry and then he will start yelling. The next day he will apologize. He can only think about or do one thing at a time. I can't say "after you are done washing the car can you do such and such" - he also hates bugs...even 1 fly buzzing around him can set him off. He is critical of everyone (but not me). If we go to a restaurant/bar he will go on about how they are doing things wrong. Its strange because as I'm writing this I am wondering why it bothers me? I don't know, but it does. Would something like that bother anyone else?

I am so so so scared for him. His social security will only cover rent and car insurance. That's it. He is planning on making extra money by making and selling his line of costumes. BUT - that always causes him great stress. He can't get the designs on the clothing straight (I normally do that). He can't handle the paperwork (again that was what I took care of) - He has a wonderfully artistic mind in coming up with new designs. Its everything else. He says he will buy all his supplies online. That is another thing, he is unable to go shopping - even for food. He is hoping to find a seamstress that will go to his apartment to pick up the orders and deliver them back to him. Purchasing online - yes that is OK. BUT he will not have internet at his apartment. Yes, he "could" go to a McDonalds where there is free wifi....but again that is something he is unable to do.

I'm sorry for going on like this. All night this was going round and round in my head. And I was saying to myself "how could you do this to him?" And I kept saying "it is not your problem...maybe this will be the thing that will make him seek treatment"
But still, it is tearing me up inside.

 

[aj1]

Letting go for me I think will start right after this post. I am not in contact with her, and I think coming back here for advice has kept a hope alive that should not be alive.

I am coming to a peace with the fact that what we had would have failed eventually. I am sad that we didn't have a chance to work on it. She was the best thing I have known in my short life, and it I can no longer have her in my life. That is not my fault as I laid out 100% of what I had to offer.

I need to accept that this was not what she needs. I need to examine what I really need.

I am closing the door, but not locking it. If she reaches out to me, I will open that door and hopefully have the discussion we never got to have.

Many blessings to the friends who have shared their stories with me, and listened to mine. I have nothing but love for everyone here.

 

[StrongHeart]

kacee, my heart goes out to you. He really needs to get some help, so he can develop coping skills. Is it possible for him to apply for VA disability?

 

[kacee129]

StrongHeart...I have suggested more times than I care to remember that he get in a program at the VA for his PTSD, and also to apply for VA disability. He has told me that many many many years ago he was diagnosed, put on meds, told that he could get disability. But he didn't like the meds and just never went back. If he was willing and able to go back, It would serve 2 purposes. First he can start to heal. Second if he got the disability that would take such a load off him worrying about his financial situation. He is always saying that he is tired of everybody having control of him. His seamstress, the fabric guy, ebay, paypal... And I respond that no one has control of him. It may feel like it but actually it is PTSD that has control.

No matter how I feel, how uncomfortable I get with my emotions, I am going to let him go. If he falls he falls. That may be the first step for him to want to get treatment. We have only been together for about a year (although we have known each other for 50 years). I'm hoping that maybe he will see what could have been and that will urge him on.

 

[StrongHeart]

kacee, can I recommend that you do it gently? That is a very long time for a combat ptsd suffer to have known someone, and I have such a soft spot in my heart for our Vietnam vets.....

Could you write out, step by step, a list of things he can do to move forward? I understand the world can be confusing to say the least for ptsd sufferers. I also totally understand and share your pain. I don't want to lose my sufferer, but things can't continue the way they are, with him lashing out at me and then breaking down when I pull back.

 

[kacee129]

StrongHeart. We were a boyfriend/girlfriend in high school. He joined the Army when he was 17, got sent to VietNam at 18. Served 2 tours there. Before he left for VietNam he told me not to wait for him. I took it that he was blowing me off. I don't really remember but I don't think I actually knew the seriousness of going to VietNam. While he was gone I met someone, got married and had a child. When he returned he went to my parents house looking for me. Obviously I was not there but my mom gave him my address. He showed up. He told me he wanted to see for himself. He ended up marrying and a few times he and his wife and my husband and I went to dinner.. Then we just drifted apart. Last year we reconnected through Facebook. He told me that thinking about me was what kept him going in VietNam. He knows I love him. I've told him I love him but I that I can not live with untreated PTSD. I've told him if we continue the way it is we will end up hurting each other. He has told me that it is not fair that I should have to put up with his behavior. I've told him I wanted him to at least give treatment a try, but he has his heals locked in and refuses. There is nothing else I can do.

 

[StrongHeart]

Oh gosh....I'm so sorry, kacee. My stepdad and uncle are Vietnam vets. It's so hard when they are locked into not getting treatment. Have you suggested going with him to the VA?

 

[kacee129]

Yes. I did manage to get him to go for a check up and I went with him. And he actually did have an appointment for his PTSD. We had an argument one day and he cancelled it. He has refused since then to make another. Who knows if he would have actually gone had he not cancelled it. He tells me he won't take any medication, he won't go to group, he won't follow through. He says he has accepted that this is the way he is and he knows he needs to just be alone. He drinks - alot - to cope. He now has a disease (PCT) that is either genetic or caused by the alcohol consumption or both. The alcohol consumption is damaging his liver even more with this disease. He doesn't care. He does have an appointment with dermatology (for the PCT) on the 13th. Maybe he'll go maybe not. I will try to encourage him to go and maybe while we are at the VA I can get him to make another appt with mental health. He is still here at my home. I think he is leaving on the 15th. That is when the apartment in Vegas will be available. So I don't think he will make an appointment here (I'm in Tucson) and once he leaves I know he won't make an appointment in Vegas. UNLESS he surprises me and agrees to treatment, then maybe he won't leave. I have no answers..

 

[StrongHeart]

Kacee, my heart goes out to you. I know the anxiety you are facing - I recognize it because I have felt it. Try to take things one step at a time, one appointment at a time. I know also how you hate to hear yourself nagging. Remember this, though: he refuses things because he fears them. He refuses treatment because he fears both what will be dragged out of him and what they will do to him once it all comes out. Our sufferers have spent a huge amount of effort hiding all of these memories; they're not going to take the lid off of everything without knowing for sure that they will be safe. It's all about the fear. He also probably fears that you won't want him if you know what terrible thoughts lurk inside him.

 

[kacee129]

I don't mind nagging. Its a little voice in my head that keeps telling me to leave it alone. My X husband was an alcoholic and through Alanon I learned to not force treatment. That they have to hit bottom etc. But I do have an idea. He applied for an apartment in Vegas. Haven't heard back yet. If he is turned down or if they want a huge deposit (because he does have bad credit), then maybe after he has his meltdown (that he will most likely have if that happens), I will once again talk about getting treatment and applying for VA disability. Thats about the best and only thing I can think of. Alot of "ifs".

 

[StrongHeart]

I guess the only problem I see what that is that he might feel backed into a corner. Maybe if you phrase it as a possible solution, that could work. Has he seen the combat vets site for ptsd? There are several Vietnam vets on there. You are a tenacious one, and that is awesome!

 

[kacee129]

Tenacious to a fault. I never know when to give up! Yesterday something came up (and now I can't even remember what) but I knew it was probably a good time to bring up treatment, again. I'm not really good with words. I have a hard time saying what I feel and really mean. In any event, he did not fight it as badly as usual. I felt as if he almost wanted to agree but didn't. Maybe if I had continued the conversation, but I didn't. I just shrugged my shoulders and walked away. I wish there was a manual that had instructions. Like "if he (she) says this, then you say this" Wishful thinking I know. Its very strange because during the course of the day he talks about things as if he is not leaving, and almost everything is "we", then in the next breath he says something about leaving. He watched a documentary about VietNam the other night. I don't know why he always wants to watch such things, but he does. He told me that at the end, one of the lead people in this documentary said that the men that fought there and lived and came home will carry it for the rest of their lives and never be the same. That is so true.

Well, the apartment complex is working on his application, so it won't be long now. Thanks for listening to me StrongHeart.