Letting The Evil Out

[H8nthis]

I have been scared of my self lately. I am so afraid that the dark thoughts that I keep lock up in the back of my mind will come forward. Does any one else wrestle with this problem? I have anger issues, panic attacks, and see things that are not there. Some times I wish I could be commited and be put in a safe place, but then I like my freedom and to be able to work with my hands (when my body lets me) and I am afraid of the stigmatism that follows from being in a nut house. I don't want to be more of an abarrasment to my family that what I already am. as you can tell I am a little depressed today by the negative coments. I know when I am depressed but some days I do so much enjoy it. I has been a comforting friend for the last 4 years.
I cant talk to anyone about my dark thoughts I mean who can you really talk to about dark and twisted things? does any one else have this problem and how do you cope?
*ptsd- Iraq survivor

 

[sedna]

I think most of us have had this problem. You can talk about dark and twisted thoughts with a therapist, if you have a good one. If you have any sense they arent that great or are sincere, but not experienced and trained for your type, get a different one.

They want to see that you know you wont act any of your thoughts out. That fantasizing about something and feeling like you'll lose control are two different things.
Most of the time, what feels like compulsive urges to act things out is a result from trying to suppress your thoughts and emotions.

Your mind wants to make sense of the intense or overwhelming emotions your body feels, so it comes up with images that match them sometimes. It can be fantasizing about killing somebody, obsessive thoughts about how to protect yourself, anything that gives your head a reason understand the feelings.

Sometimes when you cant take the overwhelm anymore, you need to get in a hospital for a while, or take different meds, its not embarrassing for you or your family.
Its a totally rational and normal thing to do when you need some help dealing with ptsd.

 

[H8nthis]

thank you coco that make a lot of sense and makes me feel a little bit better. ( I don't think I could ever commit myself and my shrink is from the VA so there is no trust in his abilities ) but knowing where the strange thoughts are coming from does help

 

[sedna]

thank you coco that make a lot of sense and makes me feel a little bit better. ( I don't think I could...

I'm glad that helped. I think maybe it would be good to get any kind of shrink but one in the VA. They have to keep stats. I wonder how objective that is.

Hospitals arent like the looney bins in the movies anymore. I have friend that checks in regularly. I've been in once myself. Its actually a really nice environment. Lots of counseling and muffins, good drugs and group therapy. I hope this helps too :)

 

[Missycat]

Hi, i would agree with @coco9 . Finding the right therapist who is experienced in trauma is essential in helping you on your healing journey.
All the symptoms you mention, anger, anxiety, panic attacks, intrusive thoughts are associated with ptsd regardless of the type of the original trauma.
I am doing a mix of psychodynamic and emdr therapy with my T and i have read that CBT and Exposure therapy can be successful therapies too - may be worth speaking to your doc about.
I wish you all the best on your healing journey.
You will find a lot of support on this site.

 

[GMW]

I know exactly what you mean. When my first little boy was 18 months old I endured hell because I believed I had it in me to do to him what had been done to me. I truly believed I was going to sexually abuse him.

The therapist I was seeing at the time did something right and something wrong. When I expressed these concerns to her, she rightly informed social services (actually asked me if I wanted her too and I nodded... that's how awful I felt, I was ready for them to take my child away to protect him from me). However, she then dumped me and without warning and without explanation and would not see me anymore. Leaving me feeling like she HAD thought I would harm him.

Social services went "no, you're no danger to him. You have been badly hurt and cannot see your own worth and the difference between yourself and those who harmed you" and my now very very very close friend said "oh hunny, me too!"

My now current therapist was confused when I first told her this story "are these feelings current?" "No" "so why are you so afraid I will report you?" "because that's what therapists do isn't it?" "I can tell the difference between someone who has been taught to believe awful things about themselves and someone who is a genuine threat"

Trust me, whatever it is you think or feel... whatever it is that makes you think you are sick and evil and twisted... you're not. It's your programming. It's the lies you've been told/believe and the way you feel about yourself that is resulting in this.

You do need to talk to someone though because I know from experience these thoughts are not who you want to be and they will eat you alive. Someone professional (a decent professional) will be able to help you unpick your programming and see it for what it is... a hurt and damaged mind interacting with the world the only way it knows how.

Read Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, there's a lovely moment between Harry and Sirius which PERFECTLY describes this feeling. I wanted to give JK Rowling a standing ovation in the middle of the cinema for her perfect insight into the mind of someone who has suffered immeasurable trauma.

You are not evil hun, just in pain xx

 

[Friday]

I cant talk to anyone about my dark thoughts I mean who can you really talk to about dark and twisted things? does any one else have this problem and how do you cope?

I don't share my dark with very many people. I occasionally get pissed off and shove some down someone's throat, but I almost always regret that... More the breakdown in discipline & self control that leads me to do it... And besides, that's a very different thing than actually sharing.

Actually sharing? Really talking, not lashing out? (For me) Really requires people who've been where I've been, done what I've done, seen what I've seen, & felt what I've felt. Maybe not exactly, but close enough. It's a very small pool of people. Made smaller by the fact that these things aren't talked about, as a rule. I briefly started talking about dark shit about 2 years ago. Some of it was good, some of it went badly, before I STFU again.

Trying to talk is hands down the 2nd single most difficult thing I've ever done.

 

[Ronin]

does any one else have this problem and how do you cope?

Snippets.

Can't share the whole thing, hell not even a quart of it. Can't really share / talk it without either going colder or seeriously dissociating in other ways or losing other important lines that mess up my life for weeks if not months in restoration.

However, can talk tidbits of things. Focus on one aspect of whole of the mess that's most possible to be expressed, at the time.