Life

OMG I'm gonna cry, I get to see him today.

OMG I'm gonna cry, I get to see him today.
I saw him it was the best 😍
He walked up and hugged me from afar.(1st time he's done that 🥰omg❤️)

Wife well, that's another issue, she still is not understanding, well she's better than she was but Relationship doesn't look good. Which is crap as I really had no intention of ending this Relationship.
Which makes this very interesting. I offered co-parenting as an option hopefully she goes for that as a minimum. I can't deal not being with him 100% of the time.
 
That's really great news. And whilst it might not feel like it, really really great that she has shifted her position on it within a few days. That shows her initial reaction was one of shock. And she is thinking and reflecting.

You are your child's equal parent and you have equal rights.

Telling your partner that you are a woman is the thing you control. What she does with that information and how she sees your relationship is something you can't control.those are her decisions to make whilst you make the decision to live your authentic self. There can be an innate conflict within those two things (your identity changing but she not wanting hers to).

I hope that, as time goes on, you both can have conversations about it all and hear each other. Even if it still is about her ending the relationship, but done in a more measured way with time, conversation and understanding.
 
I’m someone whom others have THOUGHT were a lesbian, or gender dysphoroc.

I am not.

Despite being a chick who runs with the boys.

Which means? I know how true you, are.

Just in one of those… the other side gets it.
 
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So I get to see him again this afternoon so excited 🥰 I can't wait.
Unfortunately I haven't seen him since Sunday, which has been killing me. But I'm trying to keep it cool and give wife time. I can see she is trying. But being away from him is seriously hurting me.
 
I'm a trans man and don't have a family of my own besides too many cats, but I understand what the isolation can feel like. I feel trans women often get it worse than trans men when it comes to judgement and harassment, but I still understand ❤️ So sorry you're going through this right now
 
Hmm, okay, but that's a) not really PTSD related, I think and b) sounds more like it has to do with psychosis, and a quite extreme subset of that, or maybe c) something like autism where signals are not being processed by your brain in the "usual" way. And that means you're dealing with the extremes of things, that 99.9 % of normal life's stuff (including the more run of the mill mental health issues) won't be affected by.

I guess by that definition, yes, it's possible for a feeling (however we would define that on a brain chemistry level) to lead to an outcome where the person experiencing that state dies as a result...

But I'm not sure it's very helpful. It's like arguing about "Is it possible to die by having a meteorite land on your head while you are eating strawberry icecream and humming a Beatle's song?" I guess by the extreme definition, yes this is possible, but in terms of real life, it's basically an irrelevant issue that in 99.9% of cases should be discounted as unrealistic and unhelpful.

As for your personal experience of it - I'm sorry you've gone through it. It sounds like an incredibly rare, incredibly distressing experience.

I'm not sure how to work on that in therapy... How to accept and integrate that it's been a part of your life.

But as challenging as it may be to figure out how to come to peace with that experience and finding a way of processing it, I think it's really your best bet.

Finding people - even finding therapists who have any experience in this kind of area is probably difficult. I'd guess a therapist specialised in psychosis would be most likely to "get it".
Know an amazing person who is loved very much - yet this recipient of this love freaked out because they were not sure if they FELT the love and the FEELINGS expressed toward them were real or imagined.
Is the feeling of love real? Yes.
Is the feeling of doubt real ? Yes.
We feel hungry - so we eat.
We feel sad- so we cry.
We feel elated and excited - so we smile.
From personal experience misplaced feelings of doubt and mistrust resulted in the halt of a beautiful possibility. Feelings do lead to outcomes- both good and not so good ones.
 
I heard someone say once before (in different words) firstly, what an impact feelings have on our thoughts. We identify with them as if we 'are' them- I am depressed, I am afraid, etc. And we tend to take them as the truth (eg fear). Though they are just 'feelings'. And secondly yesterday that our feelings can lend to our thoughts and beliefs. But I think that's where mental illness shifts in too, or at least to say 'mental healthier-ness' involves breaking down those feelings, looking at cognitive distortions, and finding a way to manage them. In myself and others including family I would say over-focus is also part of the problem. Not intentionally but by nature, by trying to solve the problem, by feeling large emotions and denying them, or by trying to bear them too long but with no change.

We feel hungry - so we eat.
We feel sad- so we cry.
We feel elated and excited - so we smile.
^^^ I think I rarely notice if I feel hungry, learned not to cry, and unless genuine mostly smile when I don't feel happy. A requirement, or a personal glitch, or just a fact there's too much going on including ptsd-related to live properly in the moment. And being used to hiding how I felt. especially if it was badly. Often times yes it was ptsd-related. I think it's a weird mix because I had some faith by nature too. My negative connotations or the blame came most usually back to myself.
Is the feeling of love real? Yes.
Is the feeling of doubt real ? Yes.
^^^ I like this. I understand something about myself with ghosting, which I never saw as a bad thing or meant disrespectfully (I once listened to a couple of the podcasts of 'why' to try to make sense of myself and they spoke authoritatively but didn't resonate with me at all). I never wanted to hurt good people by my presence or be an obstacle or a burden. I think I understand it takes 2 things to stay for me: asking honestly if I should, and being told honestly if I should or shouldn't. If either one of those is absent (which includes me facing the perceived reality) I do not stay. But if I am told I should stay equally I am more loyal than most. I rely on feedback because I can't trust I am not a burden. Not with my history/ what words I've heard (which lead to feelings and beliefs I need to challenge a lot) and not with ptsd in the mix and awareness of my own defects. But too, that has taken decades to progress to that point. I used to just feel like a potential dumb bomb. And I still rely on it being an open choice. That is, others can choose to change their mind. Perhaps because sometimes I've had no choice. I never want others to feel that way, or suffer/ be burdened because of me.
 
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She told me, she hopes I kill myself =(

So bit to catch up on,
things have gone south again with the wife.
We did have an arrangement that I would see him every 2nd day. But on day one of arrangement yesterday, arrangement is over as she can't deal in seeing me.
And I'm back to no access, soo messed up + he's also gone through one of those development leaps, I'm missing soo much.

It's getting quite nasty with wife, she told me, she hopes I kill myself so she doesn't have to deal with me, or me being in my bubs life. I told her noway shes not getting out that easy, see Bubba is my one reason not to end it. And I'm gonna be with him 100% of the time

She's gonna luv that
 
I would second getting a divorce lawyer.

I think on some level you will need to accept if your wife is a fit parent & wants shared custody - they are likely to grant that. Hopefully though they will ensure she sticks to the agreement & you get your time.

I’m sorry she’s not accepting of your transition. Hopefully with time she will understand a little bit more, and the shock will wear off. It’s a really massive thing for her, but that’s not a reason for her to be personally insulting to you.
 
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