Life

[_-yeah_nah-_]

Couples therapy went crap, but the chat after went well.

Wife and I had our first therapy session, it was a complete failure. But I managed to sway a decent long overdue chat afterwards, first time we have spoken in ages it actually went really well considering. Hopefully we can keep the communication up.

 

[anthony]

Nice.

 

[_-yeah_nah-_]

1st run since my 1st trip to hospital
Which was about 4ish years ago

 

[_-yeah_nah-_]

Just walking home from my 1st outing
Took myself to the movies, in girl mode.

 

[_-yeah_nah-_]

Came out to one of my old workmates last night he took it well.

 

[_-yeah_nah-_]

Been a wild week. omg
Few things to catch up on.
So in addition to previously mentioned symptoms, for the past few years I have also been suffering from gender dysphoria, never wanted to talk about it, i didn't know how to talk about it, i mean seriously WTF, however I have found the worse I got the worse it got. Just seems to be escalating. It's getting really bad. I'm going to my psychiatrist soon to review.

Couple of details I left out as I wasn't ready to talk about it.
I am currently transitioning mtf early stages.
what I'm really after is support/networking/making friends. Meeting good people +don't really want burnt bridges along the way.

My situation - (need support)

I recently came out unplanned. Kinda just happened, and I'm getting the initial back lash atm..It has caused problems, though.
I'm married + have a toddler, and let's just say wife isn't understanding. She Kicked me out, I can't see him
It's been a week, longest week of my life.
Gender dysphoria is so fukd.

Hi all,
It's been awhile thought I'd give a bit of an update,

1st off something I missed writing earlier is that my gender dysphoria has been triggered by my traumas from a few years ago which I have written about previously in this thread re "my full backstory", and not from birth.

my situation is still complicated. I have a toddler, + my wife is going to divorce me if I start hormones, so I'm attempting to hold on to them by not and instead attempting to affirm in every other way/Part-time if there is such a thing. Not sure if that's gonna work.
We've been separated since Nov 23.
We are going to start couples therapy soon, so that should be interesting.

Only up until recently my dysphoria was so bad like seriously 100% bad that wife had given me the ultimatum, start hormones, and we're done, and my dysphoria was so strong I still was going ahead with the hormones, even though I didn't want to. I had it all sorted, I was meant to be starting hormones this week. but I've recently had an ease from 100% dysphoria to say 90%, so I can just breathe enough to think about delaying starting so we can attempt couples therapy. It may all be in vian, but at least I tried. I seriously doubt she will ever except me going on them and stay with me.

New symptoms
More recently I have had a really hard/low/unstable week. And seemed to have developed some new symptoms if anyone knows what this is please let me know
so I've recently been significantly triggered by our couples therapist as she dug way too deep into my own traumas than I was prepared for in our one on one session and have been terribly unstable since. And it literally feels unstable like I'm going to fall over sometimes. Since Ive been triggered it feels like my mind/head is actually floating and is physically rocking and rolling around and it seems to be getting worse.
when its bad These rocking and roll Seem to get rougher and more frequent with sharp waves till eventually its feels like the rocking gets stuck all of a sudden to the absolute one side and I physically feel like I've run into a glass wall and are squished up against it, when this happens its incredibly painful in my head, next from here I lose control of my mouth/speech and I start talking gibberish but I'm not in control as in I'm not trying to say anything it's just happening by itself.
If anyone knows what this is please let me know, I've been trying to see my psychiatrist but he's away on holidays.
The only thing that seems to help is sleep.
But when I wake the Rocking continues but just not as rough.
Thankyou for your help. Xx

 

[Ecdysis]

Could it be this?

Vertigo

Vertigo is a feeling of movement, spinning, tilting or swaying when your body is not actually moving. Learn about the main causes and treatments.

www.healthdirect.gov.au

 

[_-yeah_nah-_]

Hi I don't think it's vertigo,
Dr Catalyst seems to think it's disassociation thankfully it's eased up after a week or so. I'll go through with my psychiatrist when they are back from holidays.

 

[_-yeah_nah-_]

Saw my psychiatrist, turns out it was severe dissociation, so Dr Catalyst was correct.
I now have had a meds change to help tackle this.

 

[_-yeah_nah-_]

Hi all,
I have cPTSD-SP with severe anxiety + panic attacks + depression + dissociation + gender dysphoria.
Unfortunately after more than 12months struggling with severe gender dysphoria I've well exceeded my pain limit by trying to last as long as I could, as a last resort I have had to turn to medical treatment as a result I will need to transition. (mtf)
Unfortunately I've learnt with enough pain the body will do anything to survive.
This has unfortunately cost me my family, (wife of 18yrs + 2yr old son)
which I will struggle with for the rest of my life.
Basically the short summary of my scenario is do the opposite of what you want and you'll feel better, and unfortunately this actually is true, in my case anyway.
This is where needs overpower wants, with enough pain the body will decide what you need to do.
Which brings me into this really weird place I'm in now, so much grief with so much relief (dysphoria) it really is a head fuk.
Now it's just down to my acceptance, which will be forever difficult.

xx