Sufferer Lifelong Loner And Ptsd Sufferer

[Loner]

Hi, I'm David. I've been reading this site for a while but never posted. I'm not even sure where to start explaining my shit. My whole family has severe mental disorders, my mother fits the archetype for Narcissistic Personality Disorder perfectly, all I have ever been to her is an object to use to gratify her ego and flatter herself, she is incapable of anything resembling actual love, my father seems to embody borderline personality disorder which I am not sure describes him adequately but basically he always vacillated between viewing me as the cause of all his problems, horrible person deserving of scorn and seeing me as some sort of hope to cure the emptiness he feels inside himself by comforting him and giving him approval, which I often did because I was so desperate to make him happy with me. I still can't really say I understand my brother, but I know he naturally had many sadistic tendencies which he focused towards me.

My mother molested me to make herself feel pretty. I didn't respond in a way that flattered her so she has hated me ever since, even encouraging my brother to follow me around and constantly invalidate me and be cruel to me, and teaching him that was the only was he would get any affection from her. My parents both pretending like they were trying to get my brother to stop this but in reality they both encouraged him, mostly my mom. When they came to me to talk to me about it it really confused me why they seemed to care all of a sudden but now I see the reality was that they came to me so I as a small child could give them comfort for enduring the suffering that was having one son who was constantly cruel to the other. They could of stopped him if they had wanted. My father taught us not to do other things with his rage, if he had focused that rage on my brother whenever he was mean to me my brother would have stopped, but the truth is they just didn't give a damn about me, I don't hate them, I have forgiven them, they just werent capable of love.

There have been a lot of traumatic events in my life, but more than anything it has been the confusion more than the trauma that has messed me up. No one in my family ever comforted me, asked me about my feelings, or even explained anything to me. I think even most abusive parents explain things to their kids in an unhealthy way like "life is pain little johnny you better get used to it people are always going to try and hurt you youll have to be strong like I am and not trust anyone if you want to survive" nope, instead of even hearing anything like that no one ever taught me a thing and I pretty much turned into a feral child who grew up in civilization. School was just as bad as my home. When the other kids were learning how to socialize and have fun all I was trying to do was avoid making anyone mad at me. This seriously backfired for my entire childhood because someone that introspective is bound to inflict narcissistic injuries on insecure people around them. Teachers and students alike scorned me because I didn't fit in. Looking back now I can tell even adult teachers had their feelings hurt because when they would try and talk to me I wouldn't respond to them with the facial expressions that display emotion which is how people connect. I was a victim of the common misconception that if someone doesnt fit in they must be choosing not to, and negative reinforcement will surely teach them a lesson so they learn to kiss people's asses better. Well I know from training dogs that negative reinforcement doesnt teach anything if you don't connect it to the behavior you are trying to train away. I never understood why EVERYONE at school seemed to hate me, all I know is they did. Teachers made fun of me in front of other kids, I even had a couple that physically abused me. One guy about twice my size pinned me to a wall by my neck so I couldn't breath to teach me not to be violent after I pushed a kid who was much larger than me who wouldnt stop making fun of me.

I know there is some friction on this site with people identifying themselves as having ptsd or Cptsd and I really don't even care. I think what I have goes beyond either one, although I definitely have ptsd as well. I've been to plenty of therapy and while it has helped me I have come to the conclusion that modern psychology really has no understanding of the majority of my issues and probably will not within my lifetime. After spending thousands of dollars on my latest therapist I recently stopped seeing him because I realized that while hes not bad at his job he has also not really taught me a whole lot, like my entire life, I've pretty much figured it out on my own. I've never had a mentor, I've never had any positive role models, no one has ever reached out to me to try and help me, nothing. I used to get so hung up on the injustice of it all because I am really a great person who has an immense capacity to love and care about others and does not like hurting others at all, but I watch my spiteful petty cruel people manage to find love and seemingly happiness while I languish alone.

I'm 27 now. Still no career, still never had a close friend or a girlfriend. I've always clung to hope that my life would get better and in many ways it has, I have made a lot of progress, but I am very sick of being alone. Some of this I blame on my fear and anxiety, if I could make more efforts to be sociable I might make some real friends, but at the same time it is very hard as people tend to think I am strange. I have overheard comments about me my whole life, people are so ignorant, despite the fact that most truly horrible people, psychopaths and such, like my brother, are somewhat charming on the surface and make friends easily, people often don't know what to make of me and assume I must not have a heart or a soul and must be a horrible person, just because they get the feeling I am a bit different.

I've done a lot of reading on this site and I am confident that even most people with ptsd whos trauma began just after birth and do not remember being normal before it won't understand me. I've given up on trying to get people to understand me. I don't need or want that, I just am sick of being alone.

This is already fairly long. I know lots of people come on this site and rant and rave and ramble just looking for comfort or validation, I'm not even sure what I'm looking for here, but there it is.

 

[Ice_Fire]

Hi Loner. Welcome to the forum. I don't think that anyone here truly understands another, just as nobody can live anyone else's life. But we can and do empathize with each other and the struggles and successes people have in their lives. I hope you can find the same here.

It is so cruel how you were brought up and personally I think you have a point about not being given any kind of explanation on anything. Even the false 'reasons' I was given by my parents about their behavior towards me has given me a 'starting point'. Although maybe if you allow yourself to, it's easier to teach yourself from scratch instead of having to actively challenge and change the bad lessons some members here were taught. Just a thought.

What career would you like? What do you want out of life? Hope that life will get better is an important part of the battle, but you need a goal I think.

Regards, Ice_Fire

 

[Loner]

Yea, I have pretty much taught myself everything. I spent my early 20s living the ski bum lifestyle, working at a ski area and being in the outdoors as much as possible, but also, learning and teaching myself the social skills that are so very basic most people assume they must be instinctual because they don't even remember learning them.

I play guitar and write some songs, I am dedicating myself to that much more these days and playing some open mic nights, but I am hardly counting on that as a career.

For the short term, I want to be a wildland firefighter next summer. I think I'd be good at this and am actually really excited for the mental and physical challenge, but while it is better money than a low level ski area job its hardly a career, especially if you start at 27. I still have no idea what I'd like to do career wise, I never even thought about it when I was younger all I thought about was surviving. I know no one can tell me what I will find fulfilling, but I am more just focusing on my plans for the next couple years now.

You are right that hope is important, however we also need to continually reconfigure our hope to make it more realistic. The hope I had at 18 for the way my life would be kept me going but it was not realistic, every time we reconfigure our hope there is a little despair we must face. For the short term my goals are to meet people to play music with, or at least just hang out with, and to do the fire fighting thing next summer. This summer won't work as I have a bit of an injury but hopefully next will.

Thanks for your reply.

 

[Ice_Fire]

I play guitar and write some songs, I am dedicating myself to that much more these days and playing some open mic nights, but I am hardly counting on that as a career.

I play guitar too! :tup: So we already have something in common. Although I don't have the confidence to perform, hats off to you.

I still have no idea what I'd like to do career wise, I never even thought about it when I was younger all I thought about was surviving. I know no one can tell me what I will find fulfilling, but I am more just focusing on my plans for the next couple years now.

I think the firefighter job sounds like a good thing to aim for. Okay, it's not a career, but it's a start and as long as you have enough to live off and it fulfills you then it's great. Focusing on the next couple of years sounds like a very wise plan to me, you don't know where you might end up. :)

 

[jeeps for now]

Hi Loner,

I've been picking up pieces of psychology and self-help subjects for years now, but when I sit and truly reflect on my life, in it's entirety, it reminds me much more of something out of a MAD magazine. I agree with you that current-day psychology/therapy needs certain evolution before it can be of much practical use in our current age of torn up families.

Here's what I see in your post: (1) Your parents were both basket cases and now so are you. (2) You can ski (I assume), play the guitar, write music (even if unskilled at both), and you want to be a firefighter for at least a while.

I wish that when I was your age, I could ski, play the guitar and want to be a firefighter!!! No, I had to spend another 30 years trying to figure everything out first and that didn't work either. I'm all to often still in a MAD magazine.

The potential I see in your situation is to be around other people, especially the fire fighters. It's a networking opportunity, along with having an ability to model yourself after real life grown ups. WOW.

 

[Loner]

I play guitar too! :tup: So we already have something in common. Although I don't have the confidence to perform, hats off to you.

You should perform somewhere! I've actually only played one open mic night, about a week ago. First I played a cover of tangled up in blue, i just closed my eyes and forgot anyone was listening and was actually able to just let all my anxiety go and just play and wouldnt you know it when I opened my eyes at the end people actually cheered! The second song I played was one I wrote that is a little cheesy but hints at some of my issues and abuses that I've been through. I got really nervous and played like shit so all I got was polite applause but I'm still really glad I did it. You should go play somewhere too, even if you are no good at all the worst thing that will happen is the people listening will still accept you as a person and be polite but just not be impressed with your musical abilities, no one makes fun of anyone at open mic nights. Even if its just a one time thing, just doing it because its something you're afraid of is awesome.

At some point I'll record my songs and upload them to youtube so people on this site can see them. They are mostly about abuse and stuff related to that so while I think their appeal to the general public won't be very broad some here might find a lot of meaning in them.

I've been picking up pieces of psychology and self-help subjects for years now, but when I sit and truly reflect on my life, in it's entirety, it reminds me much more of something out of a MAD magazine. I agree with you that current-day psychology/therapy needs certain evolution before it can be of much practical use in our current age of torn up families.

Yes, I told the therapist I was seeing that especially with regards to childhood truama I think psychology is still in the 'drilling holes in peoples skulls to relieve headaches' stage.

We all have our own hurdles, I'm willing to bet, even if at my age you couldnt ski play guitar or had a job you really wanted to do, I bet you at least had some sort of social success right?Or something else you had going for you.

I've actually seen a lot of parallels to life as a ptsd sufferer in skiing. I am not near as good as some, but I do enjoy taking calculated risks. I realized there are two different types of fear in skiing, one is a warning that what youre thinking about doing is too far beyond your abilities and should be listened to. The other is just fear, once I look at a cliff or a jump or something and understand the physics involved and am confident in my abilities to do it, the only fear that remains isnt a warning to be heeded but just a hindrance to be overcome, just fear, plain and simple, that is meant to be beaten down and put in its place and told it cant have power over you any more. I am trying to translate that to my life outside sports now but it isnt always easy. I asked a random girl out yesterday though, she said no thanks she was already dating someone, but still, its not like rejection is any great pain than anything I've already endured, and I never know how to talk to strangers at all. Really its so much easier for me to tell people on the internet about my deepest darkest issues than to be sociable and connect with strangers in superficial ways through conversation.

I also want to volunteer at a literacy center that teaches adults how to read and write. I went and filled out some paperwork a week ago but they havent called back.

Really a lot of things are looking up for me right now, its just really hard because I'm still so alone. I look forward to hopefully being able to offer something to others on this site and help people in the ways I wish someone would have been there to help me.

Thanks for your replies it really brightened my day.

 

[Loner]

I have been reluctant to continue this diary, mostly because of judgements I continue to have on myself centered around the fact I don't feel my traumatic memories were bad enough to justify the extent to which they effected me. I know this is a common thought. I've been thinking though, and I think that judging myself isnt a good reason to avoid talking about it. I have also been thinking that rather then judging myself as weak for being so messed up when the things I remember weren't THAT bad, the logical conclusion is that there simply must be things I don't remember.

Ok, lets get what I do remember out there.

I remember my father dragging me up a flight of stairs by my arm when I was probably 6 or 7, my body went completely limp and I dissociated, just felt the stairs bouncing under me. The really strange thing that I remember though was my mother yelling out in protest, but all I could think was her shock and indignation were feigned, even at that age, all I could do was wonder why she suddenly seemed to care about me at all, because I knew deep down she didn't give a shit about me.

Ok. Thats all for now. I could write more, but my emotions are all just shutting down in response to thinking about this so I guess now isnt the time. I will come back to this sometime I feel stronger and more open.

 

[Ice_Fire]

Loner, as a 6/7 year old, that is horrendously scary. Bring dragged up and down stairs, well, I know how traumatic that is.

So, don't think that what you went through isn't 'bad enough' to be posting here. As you've said, it's a common feeling, but everyone is entitled to share their story if they want to...you simply can't compare different peoples experiences and judge how traumatic it is.

I'm glad you enjoy skiing, it's a sport I've always wanted to try, but never had the opportunity so far.

 

[anthony]

Belated welcome Loner by a couple of months. :facepalm: